digging up the past | INFJ Forum

digging up the past

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by uning, Jun 7, 2009.

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  1. uning

    uning Newbie

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    hi! this is my first post here so i hope it goes well. i think my long term boyfriend is a infj and i'm having some issues with our relationship. i just wanted to hear opinions from other infj's so i can understand him better and to decide what to do.

    here it is. he is talking TOO often about his exes. not one in particulary but about all of them. he's ruining almost every romantic moment we have with stories about them. it hurts me because he talks about them with such a deep feeling and he's somewhat putting them on a pedestal. meanwhile he says and shows he loves me so much and has never felt like this being with me before.

    please can somebody explain why is he doing it? we talked about it and i asked him not to. since he knows it bothers me and i don't talk about my exes, WHY he still goes on and on about them? everything else in our relationship is great so should i consider a breakup over this? i'm really confused.
     
    #1 uning, Jun 7, 2009
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2009
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  2. Nausus

    Nausus Community Member

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    Personally, what I think he's doing is that he's telling you these things because of the "trust issue" most INFJs have. We're very insecure people, and we almost live off "giving" to other people. I think what he's trying to do is, show that he loves you dearly but it's the fact he doesn't want to get hurt again is why he's repeating the same conversations with you.

    Sometimes, it can be that some situations cause flashbacks of other events that happened in our lives that cause us to get upset, and push people away. He's trying to make you aware of his issues, rather than him bottling it up and then spilling it all out at a very inconvieniant time. I recommend getting him some councilling, just to get over his issues or if that's a little extreme just talking to him about it may relieve his emotional stress over it.

    We're very deep people, so emotions play a big part in our lives and the way we act. Take some time out for him just to talk about it, and you just have to prove to him you won't do the same things as his ex's did. It's time and trust, and soon he'll calm down and be more relaxed. It's just paranoia, hang in there, and personally, if you break up with him you'll just make matters worse for him and yourself. He needs you to understand him and take his feelings and emotions into account.

    Hope this helps.

    Shizuka x
     
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  3. just me

    just me GONE

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    When he mentions ex #1, you mention your ex #1.
    When he mentions ex #2, you mention your ex #2.
    Compare back and forth as he mentions, but only when he mentions.
    If he talks about how messy one was, you mention the one that was the messiest. Get it out and over with, then see where things go from there. Maybe he needs to let it out.
    Just an idea I used once and it worked. I had a feeling they did not wish to hear about my old baggage.
    Good luck. I only dated one girl that was like that during the entire date. She invited me in, but I chose to go home and never call her again. She had hate problems and I showed up at the wrong time.
     
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  4. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
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    Even though it sucks, it is probably a good sign. He is trying to share things with you that have meaning in his life. It took me a while to really understand that sharing some things can ultimately be more damaging. He may just want to be very honest with you and really does not understand how that can be negative. If you explain to him how it makes you feel, why it's so painful for you and he still continues, then he is just being an inconsiderate ass.
     
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  5. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    What Wyote said.
     
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  6. OP
    uning

    uning Newbie

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    i know you mean well, i thought about it too but i don't believe in it. it feels like a revenge or at least some kind of acting if you can understand me and i can't do it.
     
  7. OP
    uning

    uning Newbie

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    is he an inconsiderate ass if he's repeating mistakes after me explaining how it makes me feel dozens of times? his excuse is he just didn't think enough about it and didn't think it would hurt me. he looks sincere so should i believe it? or i'm too naive and he is acting stupid (he is NOT) and enjoying my misery like a psychopath?! i don't know what to think anymore. he is really confusing me.
     
  8. OP
    uning

    uning Newbie

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    anyway i thought he was doing it to make me jealous. infj's tend to be insecure and that's where the jealousy steams from. i thought he did it to test my feelings to see how much i care. but why would you want to hurt someone you love? this can't be about that, right?

    numbers don't matter but he might be insecure too about how much (little) experience he had, so he's telling me about everything he remebers. what do you think?

    another thing that crossed my mind was he doesn't really know about my past. i'm not into talking about it, especialy not with my current partner. so i thought he might be afraid to ask directly what he wants to know or is curious about, by telling me his experiences he wished me to share my too. could this be it maybe?

    it's been very helpful to hear from you. what you think about this reasons, wrong or possible?



     
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  9. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    Lol.

    We never did get an answer.

    Is it an INFJ thing to dig up former partners?
     
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  10. Bellosome

    Donor

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    from personal experience. yes. is this a new relationship?
     
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  11. Sandie33

    Sandie33 Love Often & Absolutely ♡
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    Not sure about others, but No. Especially if there is a lot of pain involved.
     
  12. Littlelissa

    Littlelissa Well-known member

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    Yes, agreed, definitely stay away in my book!
     
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  13. ruji

    On Holiday

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    From their graves?
     
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  14. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    It was a deliberate pun.
     
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  15. ruji

    On Holiday

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    Oh I see. ruji bait. I aint giving up the location!
     
  16. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
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    I do not even remember writing this at all, but it is interesting because I went through some growth with my understanding of honesty and openness. I am still way too honest for my own good sometimes, but I have learned how to sort of dance with my partner, whether it be a friend or a lover, and ultimately I think it's ok to keep some things for yourself. You don't want to withhold anything that would affect the other person by doing so, but if it's something about you personally, you don't need to over share, and it's more interesting/alluring/entertaining if you don't. Plus it allows you to keep some sense of self-identity. The point of a relationship isn't actually to "become one" which is what my naive young self truly believed. There is an element of it that I still hold on to, but it's more of a subtle ethereal new agey bullshit kind of thing.
     
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  17. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    Location?
    Locations.
     
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