[INFJ] Difficulty being assertive to friends

[emmapeel]

My biggest challenge in life right now is learning how to deal with friends/family that cross my boundaries and/or do minor hurtful things. I was wondering how other INFJ's deal with these kinds of situations.

It's fairly easy for me to handle major conflicts and to be assertive to strangers or casual acquaintances. I can also be quite stern with my husband. But I'm simply not capable to defend my boundaries and feelings against close friends and family. In such situations I get completely stuck in my own web of evasive behaviour: trying to ignore my feelings (turning them into ticking time bombs and forever repeating movies in my head), avoiding/delaying/postponing contact, avoiding situations that might repeat the hurtful situation, an occasional door-slam even... I know it's wrong, but I just don't dare to be assertive to them! I think that I may feel that my feelings are somehow 'invalid' and that they will point that out to me when confronted, adding to the initial hurt... I'd rather lose a friend than be hurt twice I suppose, but that sounds pretty stupid to me. So I'd really love to learn how to deal with such things properly and maturely. Any tips?

 

[linger]

I've had a hard time with that my entire life. I'm still only beginning to figure it out. I always err on the side of avoidance (but a large part of that is because I'm so averse to conflict in my emotional life).

What I've begun to see myself doing, however is letting go of that sort of under-the-radar need for control in those situations. I'm at a place now where I say how I feel if it comes up, and let it go. I feel the way I do and know it will pass or it won't. I've expressed it of I think they should know (for whatever reason) and that's all I CAN do. So it is what it is. If it's something big that requires a doorslam (because there are just some thing that change a relationship forever), then I let it go too. I think I just see those moments as teaching me the boundaries of my relationships--this person has built this much credit and I know now how I can and can't interact with them.

Life's too short and too beautiful for me to be carrying around hurt feelings. I feel 'em, do what I need to release them, and move on.

 

[CindyLou]

My biggest challenge in life right now is learning how to deal with friends/family that cross my boundaries and/or do minor hurtful things. I was wondering how other INFJ's deal with these kinds of situations.

It's fairly easy for me to handle major conflicts and to be assertive to strangers or casual acquaintances. I can also be quite stern with my husband. But I'm simply not capable to defend my boundaries and feelings against close friends and family. In such situations I get completely stuck in my own web of evasive behaviour: trying to ignore my feelings (turning them into ticking time bombs and forever repeating movies in my head), avoiding/delaying/postponing contact, avoiding situations that might repeat the hurtful situation, an occasional door-slam even... I know it's wrong, but I just don't dare to be assertive to them! I think that I may feel that my feelings are somehow 'invalid' and that they will point that out to me when confronted, adding to the initial hurt... I'd rather lose a friend than be hurt twice I suppose, but that sounds pretty stupid to me. So I'd really love to learn how to deal with such things properly and maturely. Any tips?

I know exactly how you feel. I am/used to be the same way. For a long time, I didn't even notice it I would just wallow in hurt and then withdraw from them.

I'm more thrown off guard by people who are 'family' but not immediate family, or close friends.

This is how I've done it the past couple years; I tell them what happened, how I feel about it...I don't 'blame' them for anything and then I explain to them how they crossed the boundary so they know where it is with me. If it happens again, and seems intentional then I doorslam :lol:

 

[Solongo]

Not sure if you can learn to assert yourself maturely and properly; but one thing to remember is that when you assert yourself you will piss people off. This applies to anything and everything you do. It goes back to the idea that you can't please everyone, including your family and friends. If you really want to assert yourself then you have to be comfortable being with the assertive energy yourself. If you are not comfortable being assertive and holding a ground; you will be easily persuaded and become fearful when somebody challenges your assertiveness or simply reacts to it. Ultimately it will trigger not so pleasant attitudes from others. However if you stand your ground and stay behind your assertiveness; people maybe pissed off but they will start to respect you and understand where you have set your boundaries and for them to not cross it. This will ultimately require you to completely not care about how they feel about you and your actions. As long as you continue to worry or work to please others whims you will have a hard time asserting. its ultimately up to how much you can handle adverse reaction from others when you assert yourself in any way or form. Its totally doable; a 3 year old has the capacity to assert dominance to get their way through demand for whatever they are screaming for.

In your case its your close relatives and friends. You situation is probably more complex than it sounds. The relationship you formed with your family and friends go away back and the initial setup of your relationship to these people have started on a ground where there was no boundaries set or you were too young to fully understand healthy boundaries even among family. Assertiveness is ultimately a learned behavior. if you want to learn assertiveness it will require you to get out of your comfort zone to do so. Only you can figure out if you are capable to it.