Dating Thinking Types | INFJ Forum

Dating Thinking Types

CoffeeShopDiva

CoffeeShopDiva

Community Member
Jan 18, 2009
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In the past I have almost exclusively dated thinking types. I have found that these relationships have lacked the emotional connection that I need.

Is it possible to get an emotionally fulfilling relationship between Feeling and Thinking types?
 
By thinking types, I presume you mean Te types? (See cognitive functions).

My experience is that 'thinking types' are good to connect with intellectually - even emotional exchanges are really on an intellectual level. But when push comes to shove, the Fi of an INTJ, for instance is focused on their own feelings, not on yours. So if you need your prospective loved one to show defference towards your feelings, you had better look for someone with Fe - an 'F type'.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
By thinking types, I presume you mean Te types? (See cognitive functions).

My experience is that 'thinking types' are good to connect with intellectually - even emotional exchanges are really on an intellectual level. But when push comes to shove, the Fi of an INTJ, for instance is focused on their own feelings, not on yours. So if you need your prospective loved one to show defference towards your feelings, you had better look for someone with Fe - an 'F type'.
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That's what I was worried about, too. Thanks for your input.

I've dated an ISTJ, an ISTP and an ESTP.
 
I think this may be right as a generalisation, but there are thinking types around who have become more feeling towards others as time goes on (possibly individuation?) and also those who have an academic interest in being caring, and do it for this reason. One of my exes was like this (INTJ). He was very caring and thoughtful but it was because he liked to see it cheer me up rather than because it came naturally to him. Personally, I have gone out with an F before and I found it a bit draining to be thinking emotionally all the time. I quite like the fact that rational types balance you out and offer logical solutions to problems. Fe types might sympathise, but sometimes (personally) that's not what I actually need, I like to be given a hug and then told how to solve it.
 
CoffeeShopDiva said:
In the past I have almost exclusively dated thinking types. I have found that these relationships have lacked the emotional connection that I need.

Is it possible to get an emotionally fulfilling relationship between Feeling and Thinking types?
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If it weren't thinkers and feelers would never get married now would they.
 
Remember that some F types have Fi (not Fe). If you're looking for warmth in a relationship, you might find more in some T types than in some F types.
 
TheLastMohican said:
Remember that some F types have Fi (not Fe). If you're looking for warmth in a relationship, you might find more in some T types than in some F types.
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Good point cherrio!
 
Also, do remember that we access all these processes - just not in the order that they happen. So you can have someone who is an INTJ with strong feeling processes, and you can have an INFJ with strong thinking processes. I dated an INTJ for a while and I feel deeply for him, and he did have warmth - just not in the average way that we would view a warm person.
 
I'm drawn to thinking types.. The NT temperament. NFs are fascinating and fun and I can swim inside their soul and they in mine almost instantly, but I find a relationship with another NF (for me) is too unstable.

My intj actually has a pretty rich inner emotional world, but he's very strategic (who can resist using the word 'strategic' when speaking of intjs??) in who he reveals this aspect of himself to. (I happen to be so lucky.) I think once a thinking type has decided to open up, they are very warm and affectionate. It seems the way they warm up is by learning from their partner and also from being accepted by their partner. If you try to pry them open it won't work and they won't bleed their heart all over you right away--it has to be shown that you can be trusted and that you are not interested in controlling or changing them... I think.

Also, what I love about intjs is that if something matters to them, they don't give up. They sincerely work at it.
 
Thanks for the input, guys. It seems like I'll just have to start getting my feet wet again in order to find out.
 
I have done a couple of personality tests now, but they seem to swing between INFJ and INTJ. But I relate myself allot more to INFJ then INTJ and don't know where the T is coming from :p

So... Is there a big difference between T and F? if I may ask :p
 
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I've thought of this myself---but I think when we really focus on mbti types, it's hard for us to remember that there are people who can't get categorized because they're soo balanced!!! (like my sister). I also consider myself a very balanced INFJ. I control myself very well and sometimes with a very strong mind---its a marriage of head and heart. I have some pretty balanced INTJ friends too. They show affection in their own ways and I know they appreciate me. We get along very well---so, it really depends on the person. I personally wouldn't be able to have a relationship with a strong T OR a strong F.
 
arbygil said:
Also, do remember that we access all these processes - just not in the order that they happen. So you can have someone who is an INTJ with strong feeling processes, and you can have an INFJ with strong thinking processes. I dated an INTJ for a while and I feel deeply for him, and he did have warmth - just not in the average way that we would view a warm person.
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Gotta agree with this one---the normal INTJ personality profiles make me go "eek" but the intjs I know are very genuinely warm and sincere. (In my opinion, even, sweet). But it all depends on how close they are to you and how much they trust you. I could easily say my intj friends are my best friends. So---may be on the surface they may seem hard to understand and "cold." But really, they're quite warm inside.
 
Thanks for the link.

What would be the difference between Fe and Fi in relationship context?
 
if in a relationship both have developed their cognitive functions thoroughly, it shouldn't be too big of a problem to communicate and meet emotional needs...however their may be different approaches depending on type as to how this is done.
also maybe this will help :) http://www.infj.com/INFJ_Relationships.htm
 
I wouldn't like being in a relationship where I might be connecting with someone on an intellectual level, but emotionally if that person is cold and distant that would send my NF-self into a downward spiral. Like what arbygirl and rainrise said- it's down to how developed their processes are, highly developed T over F, vice versa. It's down to the person really; as long as there is understanding and compassion..
 
CoffeeShopDiva said:
What would be the difference between Fe and Fi in relationship context?
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In really simple, crude terms, Fi is about internal beliefs and values, they look at a situation and think how would I feel, Fe is about others and asks how do they feel. Sounds like a Fe-filled soul would be what you're looking for, in terms of NTs that's developed ENTPs and INTPs.

In the past I have almost exclusively dated thinking types. I have found that these relationships have lacked the emotional connection that I need.

Is it possible to get an emotionally fulfilling relationship between Feeling and Thinking types?
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Of course it is, not going to work for everyone though. I'm NT and want a deep emotional connection or it's a waste of my time however it's something that I'm terrible at putting out there, it takes a long time and a lot of effort to get me to open up and I would want my partner to take their time both in revealing themselves and in getting me to open up. I feel deeply and strongly I jut don't reveal this easily cause emotions are uncontrollable and simply put, icky.
 
merrytrees said:
I'm drawn to thinking types.. The NT temperament. NFs are fascinating and fun and I can swim inside their soul and they in mine almost instantly, but I find a relationship with another NF (for me) is too unstable.

My intj actually has a pretty rich inner emotional world, but he's very strategic (who can resist using the word 'strategic' when speaking of intjs??) in who he reveals this aspect of himself to. (I happen to be so lucky.) I think once a thinking type has decided to open up, they are very warm and affectionate. It seems the way they warm up is by learning from their partner and also from being accepted by their partner. If you try to pry them open it won't work and they won't bleed their heart all over you right away--it has to be shown that you can be trusted and that you are not interested in controlling or changing them... I think.

Also, what I love about intjs is that if something matters to them, they don't give up. They sincerely work at it.
Click to expand...

I'm dating a guy who's been analyzed--quite accurately, I think--as an ENFJ but who has well-developed thinking processes. In fact, he's pretty well-rounded in general, and he sounds a lot like your INTJ, especially the last bit.
 
Thanks for your input, guys. Although, its all pointless now.
 
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