Dating site help | INFJ Forum

Dating site help

Eventhorizon

Eventhorizon

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The idea of this thread is to discuss things that can be put into online profiles that will help attract the type of people you are interested in. Ideally for this to work responses would come from the gender type you are trying to attract.

A large part of my thought process on this is that its easy enough to attract people in general but its elusive to attract those people who will have a better understanding of types and what it means in a relationship. As an example what it means for someone to be an introvert. The profile writers have a simplistic idea of just getting you dates with anyone who will go on a date with you if they say the right thing. Im trying to go beyond this and find the things to say to potentially attract someone who is compatible for a lasting relationship.

I guess its pretty straight foward.
 
What dating site are you using? Okcupid, a free dating site, actually allows you to answer questions as to what you are seeking which will give you a compatibility percentage and I usually end up being compatible with the right types of people due to answering enough questions and putting a high enough importance on the ones which are important to me.

If you're using tinder or grindr or something duh no wonder, even if you are using a paid site I wouldn't trust them okcupid is pretty snazzy I'd go with them.
 
slant said:
What dating site are you using? Okcupid, a free dating site, actually allows you to answer questions as to what you are seeking which will give you a compatibility percentage and I usually end up being compatible with the right types of people due to answering enough questions and putting a high enough importance on the ones which are important to me.

If you're using tinder or grindr or something duh no wonder, even if you are using a paid site I wouldn't trust them okcupid is pretty snazzy I'd go with them.
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Ill check it out.
 
Ironic, I was just literally going to post on this topic. I kept going on dates and having the same exact conversation about serial killers- like on five different dates, we always would end up talking about serial killers. I had GG Allin in my profile and I think that was why- but it can be so incredibly hard to know how to represent yourself on dating sites- I wanted to show my background and what I like, and that I am open minded- but the reality is that I probably gave the totally wrong impression.
 
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Ok so seriously. My idea with dating sites is that its a great way to put some information out there thats nit immediately obvious. You know how its easy to meet someone in the real world, have instant physical attraction only to find out a few weeks in they are fanaticaly political or just plain insane about something you either dont care about or have an opposite view on. So dating site gives you a bit more information right at the outset.
You know the person wants a guy who doesnt mind having horses in the house type of thing.
But I seem to fail...yes I said fail on dating sites. So, any ideas?
 
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jupiterswoon said:
Ironic, I was just literally going to post on this topic. I kept going on dates and having the same exact conversation about serial killers- like on five different dates, we always would end up talking about serial killers. I had GG Allin in my profile and I think that was why- but it can be so incredibly hard to know how to represent yourself on dating sites- I wanted to show my background and what I like, and that I am open minded- but the reality is that I probably gave the totally wrong impression.
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That is strange. Do you feel as if the conversation is in someway being subconsciously steered that way or does it just pop up out of the blue?
But it sounds like you move well past the dating site scene. I myself am talking about finding a connection before even meeting in real life.
 
[MENTION=5301]jupiterswoon[/MENTION] my impression from what I have read is that women have no issue meeting people on dating site's. Mailboxes get full in a day etc... so my suggestion to you would be very clear and specific about what you are looking for and what you will not tolerate etc... hopefully in an attempt to weed out flotsam.
 
Im scratching my head on this one. Its much easier to meet women in rl than on dating sites. So far with okcupid I have gotten into one argument and thats about all I have to show for it.

Maybe I am meant to be a piece of meat and not have a mind attached.
Lol. Well I guess it could be worse.
 
Think about your day to day life and how you perform. What do you prioritize each day? What long term and short term goals are you working towards? How do your personal morals and ethics apply to you, and how would they apply in a relationship? What is companionship to you, and what do you think is needed to connect with someone and maintain a relationship long term? What is it in past relationships that hasn't worked, and what could have been different to make them last and be more fulfilling for both parties?

I think these are things you need to consider when you are writing out a dating profile. You have to make sure you are on the same wavelength as someone. It's not enough to just attract via physical chemistry, there has to be a fundamental "you" that comes across.

So for myself for example, I might write some of the following:

My day to day life:
I have a stable career that I show up for each day. I am financially stable with enough resources to provide for myself with a few luxuries here and there. Though this career is stable and comfortable, I am passionate about X, Y and Z and love pursuing those things outside of work. Though I wish I could one day make a career out of those things (writing, playing the piano, arts and crafty type stuff), right now I prioritize security and building a good financial profile so I can potentially retire early.

I make sure to eat well. I have two gym memberships. Health and fitness are high on my priority list. I spend 3-4 days at the gym lifting heavy weights. Longevity and vitality are important to me personally, and long term health and longevity are important in a long term partner. I would prefer to meet someone who has similar long term health and fitness goals.

I have cats. They are lovely.

Long term and short term goals are worked into both of those things.

Personal Morals and Ethics:
No kids. No marriage. No complications. Monogamy. Objectivity before feelings. Justice before Mercy. Encourage others to be the best version of themselves within their own personal framework. Accepting flaws and mistakes on an individual level, but on also a wider global level.

blah blah blah.
 
SpecialEdition said:
Think about your day to day life and how you perform. What do you prioritize each day? What long term and short term goals are you working towards? How do your personal morals and ethics apply to you, and how would they apply in a relationship? What is companionship to you, and what do you think is needed to connect with someone and maintain a relationship long term? What is it in past relationships that hasn't worked, and what could have been different to make them last and be more fulfilling for both parties?

I think these are things you need to consider when you are writing out a dating profile. You have to make sure you are on the same wavelength as someone. It's not enough to just attract via physical chemistry, there has to be a fundamental "you" that comes across.

So for myself for example, I might write some of the following:

My day to day life:
I have a stable career that I show up for each day. I am financially stable with enough resources to provide for myself with a few luxuries here and there. Though this career is stable and comfortable, I am passionate about X, Y and Z and love pursuing those things outside of work. Though I wish I could one day make a career out of those things (writing, playing the piano, arts and crafty type stuff), right now I prioritize security and building a good financial profile so I can potentially retire early.

I make sure to eat well. I have two gym memberships. Health and fitness are high on my priority list. I spend 3-4 days at the gym lifting heavy weights. Longevity and vitality are important to me personally, and long term health and longevity are important in a long term partner. I would prefer to meet someone who has similar long term health and fitness goals.

I have cats. They are lovely.

Long term and short term goals are worked into both of those things.

Personal Morals and Ethics:
No kids. No marriage. No complications. Monogamy. Objectivity before feelings. Justice before Mercy. Encourage others to be the best version of themselves within their own personal framework. Accepting flaws and mistakes on an individual level, but on also a wider global level.

blah blah blah.
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Sure and I appreciate the insight. I have a tendency to write about all the potentially seemingly bad things because if I write about the good things its like im trying to manipulate someone into thinking about me in a certain way.
Ha! Im horrible.
 
Eventhorizon said:
Sure and I appreciate the insight. I have a tendency to write about all the potentially seemingly bad things because if I write about the good things its like im trying to manipulate someone into thinking about me in a certain way.
Ha! Im horrible.
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You can put the bad stuff in if you want to turn people off immediately. Is that like a subconscious effort to ward people off? Why try to "sell" any part of yourself as good or bad? Just write "what is" based on what you want to share with another person.
 
SpecialEdition said:
You can put the bad stuff in if you want to turn people off immediately. Is that like a subconscious effort to ward people off? Why try to "sell" any part of yourself as good or bad? Just write "what is" based on what you want to share with another person.
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It could very well be.
 
I think that if you find it easier to meet people IRL, you should stick to that. Why deviate from something that is working?

I have found dating sites to be a lot of work, and there's something that can be very disingenuous about them...I find people put out there what they think you want to hear, rather than who they really are. For some people, that's what they want, but for me, it just feels fake. It sounds like you're very much like this- you put who you really are, good and bad, out there...whereas most people just want the good.
 
the relationship previous to my current one began on Lavalife years ago. it was a bit different than it is now, but i met a few interesting people, and one of them ended up being an 8 1/2 yr relationship
my current relationship began over a year and a half ago on a dating site as well, but one that is totally free - Plenty of Fish.
if i were single again i would not hesitate to use a dating site. absolutely.

as for what to say - most sites have specific sections you can fill out, or request certain criteria or character traits in a match so you really don't have to get creative on your own. they will match you with others who share the values and traits you included in your profile.
you don't need to divulge your life story. you don't have to include your day to day stuff. be open about your likes and dislikes and the rest will sort itself out.
 
Write about yourself from the perspective of a good friend being asked about what it is you're like. A good friend will focus on your positive qualities because this is what they genuinely like about you and what makes you their friend. Since you're in the market for being liked, you ought to adopt a mindset of someone who likes you. If you were in the market for being a psychoanalytic case study, you would write from the perspective of your therapist and give them a run down of all your issues...
 
say what said:
I think that if you find it easier to meet people IRL, you should stick to that. Why deviate from something that is working?

I have found dating sites to be a lot of work, and there's something that can be very disingenuous about them...I find people put out there what they think you want to hear, rather than who they really are. For some people, that's what they want, but for me, it just feels fake. It sounds like you're very much like this- you put who you really are, good and bad, out there...whereas most people just want the good.
Click to expand...

My concern stems from it taking me so long to get to know someone before I feel any type of connection. Bluntly as a guy physical attraction is easy for me to encounter however its never led to anything I would call serious \ permanent. Now obviously that could just be all me. My thought with dating sites though is that it gives time to learn about someone. However its funny and interesting that I am seemingly even unable to get into an initial conversation on these sites about likes and dislikes.

Disingenuous. :) I have been contacted many times by beautiful women with bad grammar asking for my phone numberand email address more times then I can count.
 
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JGirl said:
the relationship previous to my current one began on Lavalife years ago. it was a bit different than it is now, but i met a few interesting people, and one of them ended up being an 8 1/2 yr relationship
my current relationship began over a year and a half ago on a dating site as well, but one that is totally free - Plenty of Fish.
if i were single again i would not hesitate to use a dating site. absolutely.

as for what to say - most sites have specific sections you can fill out, or request certain criteria or character traits in a match so you really don't have to get creative on your own. they will match you with others who share the values and traits you included in your profile.
you don't need to divulge your life story. you don't have to include your day to day stuff. be open about your likes and dislikes and the rest will sort itself out.
Click to expand...

Great avatar btw. I used to use that one but I added a star field in the doorway.
 
Ok for anyone who cares to try and help.
I have aquired a large number of likes and visitors to my online dating profile. However as a male I suspect these are far smaller than most women recieve. :)

Yet I have had 1 sort of conversation and a few other acknowledgments. Which is exactly what I joined for. I have message numerous women noting items in their profiles / similarities. Commenting briefly on their attractiveness in a good way.

The lack of conversation is disappointing to say the least. This is the whole reason I joined a dating site is to get to know someone before getting caught up quickly in the physical aspects of meeting someone new.

And comments or ideas? Is this process doomed to failure for what my intent is?
 
For one thing keeping an open mind and a positive attitude might help :).

There probably are a few diamonds for you in a field of women that are more than likely not right for you. I think persistence and open mindedness is the key. Don't despair, there is probably a woman out there feeling the same way that you are and you two haven't connected yet. If they don't answer you or if the conversation isn't going the way you would like it to than they are likely not the right one for you and just leave them behind and move on. I don't know what type of woman that you are looking for but for me any comment about my attractiveness specifically is a negative because that's just the obvious shallow response you would expect. You're quirky and bright so you have to portray that to find somebody who is attracted to that. I would also caution about judging too quickly in regards to the pictures because being photogenic is not the same as being attractive in person.
 
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