Dating ESFP and tips for small talk | INFJ Forum

Dating ESFP and tips for small talk

Akanksha

Akanksha

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Jan 27, 2019
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Hi guys!
I hope you're all doing fine.
Well I need some advice with how things are going on, guess in shitty at it with minimum experience.
So I met this ESFP online and we had few conversation (which weren't inought for me to know someone) but he initiated to meet. Im trying to meet new people and go out a lot since I left college because I literally met 0 people while I was in college for 4 solid years. So I agreed to give it a shot.
We met, he was really nice to me, typical chatterbox, I was listening... I don't know whenever someone treats me good I melt, I feel like I don't deserve it and since they're treating me good it's my turn to put the whole goddamn world infront of them.
We got drunk, watched a movie and things happened between us. Not gonna lie it was soothing but I was numb the whole time.. totally blank! I get panic attack, shivering and all because of trauma. I was glad I told him I take time to process things and he gets it.
The next day I wasn't able to concentrate anywhere. He started seeing me alternate days. I'm glad things are going good lately but I get blank and emotional and weird with him. He barely know me and idk how to put things up.
Then lockdown happened and mostly it's just "hi! What's up? hi. What's up?" Small talk going on. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if it's right or wrong. Idk if he's into me or just his usual esfp fling.
 
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Akanksha said:
Hi guys!
I hope you're all doing fine.
Well I need some advice with how things are going on, guess in shitty at it with minimum experience.
So I met this ESFP online and we had few conversation (which weren't inought for me to know someone) but he initiated to meet. Im trying to meet new people and go out a lot since I left college because I literally met 0 people while I was in college for 4 solid years. So I agreed to give it a shot.
We met, he was really nice to me, typical chatterbox, I was listening... I don't know whenever someone treats me good I melt, I feel like I don't deserve it and since they're treating me good it's my turn to put the whole goddamn world infront of them.
We got drunk, watched a movie and things happened between us. Not gonna lie it was soothing but I was numb the whole time.. totally blank! I get panic attack, shivering and all because of trauma. I was glad I told him I take time to process things and he gets it.
The next day I wasn't able to concentrate anywhere. He started seeing me alternate days. I'm glad things are going good lately but I get blank and emotional and weird with him. He barely know me and idk how to put things up.
Then lockdown happened and mostly it's just "hi! What's up? hi. What's up?" Small talk going on. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if it's right or wrong. Idk if he's into me or just his usual esfp fling.
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probably no way to know for awhile. I see a problem right out of the gate. . because someone is nice to you doesn't mean you turn yourself inside out for them. that sounds like a trauma response to me. .then you report being numb and blank. . yeah slow down with this. .forgive me for jumping on it, but I strongly suggest you do some trauma work with a therapist or this scenario will repeat itself. . hope I wasn't too negative. .
 
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On my dates I immediately describe Lady Liberty being sodomized by Wall Street.

If they get it, they're a keeper.
 
Aneirin said:
probably no way to know for awhile. I see a problem right out of the gate. . because someone is nice to you doesn't mean you turn yourself inside out for them. that sounds like a trauma response to me. .then you report being numb and blank. . yeah slow down with this. .forgive me for jumping on it, but I strongly suggest you do some trauma work with a therapist or this scenario will repeat itself. . hope I wasn't too negative. .
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Thanks for the suggestion.. and it was not negative in any way. Personality I'm still not comfortable with consider to visit a therapist. I'm working on it. I don't think I have that trust on people or therapists.
 
Pin said:
Basically, smalltalk sucks.
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Should I just try to confront that why are we having small talks? Is everything fine blah blah or should I play it cool and try to improve
 
The whole purpose of 'small talk' is to root around and find something that will engage the both of you in a proper conversation. It's less about you than it is about gauging the other person; their mood, their receptivity, what catches their interest, what doesn't, etc. If you're just going 'hey'/'hi'/'how's it going'/'good, you?'/'good too' over and over again, obviously, you're going to go nowhere fast. So... you need to volunteer a unique piece of information you'd feel comfortable discussing that has the potential for several threads of conversation. If the conversation catches, you can get into the topic specifically. If it doesn't catch, you go general.

As an example:

'Hey, what are you up to?'
'I'm just watching [Blank Show]. I'm on episode six, and I'm already getting addicted. Have you seen it?'
'No.'
'Oh, well it's really good. It's about [blank] and [blank] starring [blank.] I don't know what it is, but I really enjoy [blank] genres.'
'I'm more into [other blank] shows to be honest.'
'Yeah? Me too! Which ones have you seen?'

It's best to keep a few conversation/topic avenues opening while you're still probing for common conversational ground.The wonderful thing about extroverts is that they only ever really need a push before they start rolling down the conversational hill. lol

But from the sounds of it, maybe small talk isn't so much your problem; you sound like you find yourself pretty self-conscious around this person. Is it because you're questioning their interest in you? Or are you worried about something? You need to find some way to relax and put yourself at ease and the conversation will flow. Otherwise, he's going to start wondering if you're interested in him. It's a two-way street, after all. If you're not being receptive to him, he might start backing away. I

If it helps, maybe before you call him, compile a list of things you'd like to talk about. Or send him a few funny memes or an interesting article to break the ice. That could also serve as a conversation starter.

Good luck!
 
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idk what this ESFP is thinking but if you're Ni dom and want to get over small talks you should initiate that since personally i find it hard to make that leap, unless it's confrontations
 
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kyledge said:
idk what this ESFP is thinking but if you're Ni dom and want to get over small talks you should initiate that since personally i find it hard to make that leap, unless it's confrontations
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First of all, that's so sweet of you to actually share your views and then making me notice that you commented ☺️.
I'm trying but the thing is our texts are more like hi what's up *I try to initiate/ask questions* we share 2-3 more texts and then he'll stop seeing my text. Next day he'll come back with *Hii*
UGHHH how should I make him realise what's going on.
 
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Akanksha said:
First of all, that's so sweet of you to actually share your views and then making me notice that you commented ☺️.
I'm trying but the thing is our texts are more like hi what's up *I try to initiate/ask questions* we share 2-3 more texts and then he'll stop seeing my text. Next day he'll come back with *Hii*
UGHHH how should I make him realise what's going on.
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Tell him
 
Akanksha said:
First of all, that's so sweet of you to actually share your views and then making me notice that you commented ☺️.
I'm trying but the thing is our texts are more like hi what's up *I try to initiate/ask questions* we share 2-3 more texts and then he'll stop seeing my text. Next day he'll come back with *Hii*
UGHHH how should I make him realise what's going on.
Click to expand...
well that's a dick move, i agree you should tell him
 
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