Cutting people out of your life

[Soulful]

For anyone who's done it, I'm curious about how you were able to cut people out of your life? Were these people you were close with, did they see or not see it coming, how did you deal with those who didn't? How did you go about it in general? If you don't mind sharing I'm interested in the specifics of "told them this", "did that".

It's something that has been mentioned a few times on the forum and I'm curious to hear more about it.

Thanks

 

[That Girl]

I live with my "best friend" my sophomore year in college. It was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. She never paid her rent on time and I had to take care of it. She used me to get things and never appreciated what I did give her. After I moved out (early because I couldn't take it anymore) I just stopped talking to her after I told her I wasn't going to be taken advantage of and I left. . I think she saw it coming because she didn't try to interact with me anymore. Now she tells people what a horrible person I am but I know she knows what the truth is. When I see her on campus I can tell by the way she looks at me.

A similar experience happened to me in high school. It wasn't as easy back then. I really thought that we were the best of friends and then she started lying about me to everyone. I was so confused about it. She would apologize, I would say it was fine, and she'd turn around and do it again. It took me a long time to finally cut her out. I have a tendency to pick out vile people to be friends with. I'm not sure why. I think I'm attracted to the broken because I think I can help them realize their potential but, in reality, they are always going to be cruel individuals.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

When I was finishing my science degree I was recruited (that isn't quite the right term for it, neither is enroled, enlisted, or initiated, but it'll do). I told everyone that I cared about that I was leaving, and that it was likely that it might be a while before I saw them again.

I never had a proper 'good bye' ... but what surprised me (not a pleasant surprise) is that I became detached from my former life/aquaintances very quickly. I hope they forgot me as quickly.

The point is, cutting people out of your life doesn't have to be something formal - it happens at some point by itself after you haven't had contact for a while.... I don't recommend it though.

 

[That Girl]

The point is, cutting people out of your life doesn't have to be something formal - it happens at some point by itself after you haven't had contact for a while.... I don't recommend it though.

I do this all the time. I barely have any friends from the past because I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people. It's as if I'm incapable of making sustainable relationships. I just can't be bothered with calling people up and making small talk. MSN has made it easier for me to keep in contact with the people I like the most but they are new friends and not from before. Sometimes I'm worried about it because I don't know if I have any "real" friends, but most of the time I'm comfortable with how I interact with people.

 

[DoveAlexa]

I do this all the time. I barely have any friends from the past because I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people. It's as if I'm incapable of making sustainable relationships. I just can't be bothered with calling people up and making small talk. MSN has made it easier for me to keep in contact with the people I like the most but they are new friends and not from before. Sometimes I'm worried about it because I don't know if I have any "real" friends, but most of the time I'm comfortable with how I interact with people.

I've done this, mostly I didn't feel these people were my real friends so I just drifted off and hoped they didn't mind. Most seemed to outright not want to talk to me anyways, including msn.

I have outright cut people out of my life though, and had them ask me to come back. The situation was one super close friend had to choose between having me in his friend's group, or having his completely terrible and insecure (screaming whining crying etc) girlfriend. Naturally he chose her, and I gave them all the middle finger and left. When he dumped her only a few months later saying it was all a big mistake, and asked me to "bury the hatchet" I gave him the middle finger again. I figured he just wanted to bang me anyhow.

 

[the]

I usually cut out people who dont make an effort to come see me. If I am always going to them then I "cut them out". I dont see it as such an active thing though. I just stop making the effort, its more of a passive thing. They are welcome to come see me in the future but I dont plan on seeing them.

I am actually doing this on a small scale by deleting people on FB that I met here while deployed. If they never came by then I have probably deleted them by now.

 

[Soulful]

I've definitely drifted from people but it was mutual and that eased the guilt. I haven't formally cut people out. I don't know that I have the heart or guts yet.

 

[WellNoWonder]

For anyone who's done it, I'm curious about how you were able to cut people out of your life? Were these people you were close with, did they see or not see it coming, how did you deal with those who didn't? How did you go about it in general? If you don't mind sharing I'm interested in the specifics of "told them this", "did that".

It's something that has been mentioned a few times on the forum and I'm curious to hear more about it.

Thanks

I have a niece... She had her first son at a very young age, and I'd always try to help her out financially because she'd felt neglected by her mother.

I *sigh* allowed her to have a utility in my name when she was getting her first apartment. Well she ran the bill up to over a $1000 and made 2 payments over a year's time. I'd run my annual credit reports which is how I'd found out about the amount of the bill. When I confronted her, I told her I was going to have it disconnected in a month's time; she needed to find someone else to vouch or pay her own bill. The end of that...

When the service was shut off, she got in my face, yelling and cursing. I immediately got defensive and began yelling and cursing but then I stopped abruptly when I realized there is nothing I could do that would help her/be enough for her.

Now, I say "hi" and "bye" when I see her (which I still think is too much but I'm not evil and I have a few manners), and I generally ignore her. She still asks for help from me, which is so beyond my understanding, as if she didn't curse and yell at me like I was some true adversary of hers (which I actually was by continuing to help her instead of letting her fall flat a few times as people do when no one will/can help them).

I really just ignore people. I figure they get the message eventually, because I'm generally a friendly, though quiet person, and if I think someone is trying to antagonize me or run over me, I give the person a very cold shoulder and act as if I'm behind a force-field: do not speak to me or touch me, as there is no reason for us to communicate with each other.

In general I have a feeling as if something is missing now that I don't speak with with my niece anymore, but I've realized it's me missing the weight of taking on a responsibility I should not have taken on. I've lost a lot of the empathy I had for her, which feels unnatural. I also feel I've lost some type of innocence by being able to walk away from her like this...

I dislike cutting people off, even if I know they are no good for me.

 

[randomsomeone]

I've never actually had to cut any friends out of my life as they generally moved on to other things on their own. Most other people never get in in the first place.

 

[anica]

cutting prople out of your life

Interesting thread... As I read through it, I realized for the most part, it's the reverse for me; people cut me out of their lives. I think (and have been told directly once or twice) it's because I'm self-absorbed and self-centered. I'm not a thoughtful person either. Add to that my drama-queen personality, and there really isn't much to stick around for. I have a couple of long-term relationship--my roomie/partner of 16 years and my aide of 13 years, but I had two long-term friends (20+ years each) and both cut me out of their lives when I acquired my disability, citing the above reasons and saying that the stroke was the last straw.

In general, I don't expect relationships to last and I'm not particularly motivated to work at them.

 

[On my own path]

I used call my friends from Secondary School on a fairly regular basis but over time I noticed that I was the only one that made an actual attempt to upkeep the connection, so I eventually stopped calling them on a regular basis. I still try to call them on their birthdays to wish them a happy birthday - I still care about them and I am in no way upset or mad at them, although i do feel hurt. I feel sad when that happens- as though I " lost" something; I feel as though my friendship did not really mean much to them

 

[analyst]

I'm an INFJ male. I've had to do this a few times. In every case, it was cutting a female friend out of my life. Most of my friends tend to be female. I am very good at the platonic thing. In general, women tend to flock to me, for better or worse, in times of need. I think it's the whole INFJ male provider thing (stability, etc). In some instances the women always wanted to be more then friends. In one instance, she asked if i was interested in pursuing that, I said no, and she continued a pattern of negative behavior & pursuing me even though I wasn't interested in more than friendship (verbally & non-verbally many, many times)...

I'm an extremely all or nothing person. If I'm friends with you, I'm very much in, and I'll tolerate quite a lot, but then I'll hit my limit and be done. It generally passive-aggressive and seems sudden to the other side. I usually just stop answering phone calls, communication, etc, and just disappear in this instance rather than face the conflict.

 

[Soulful]

I'm an extremely all or nothing person. If I'm friends with you, I'm very much in, and I'll tolerate quite a lot, but then I'll hit my limit and be done. It generally passive-aggressive and seems sudden to the other side. I usually just stop answering phone calls, communication, etc, and just disappear in this instance rather than face the conflict.

I can absolutely relate to this.

 

[middle1]

When I was finishing my science degree I was recruited (that isn't quite the right term for it, neither is enroled, enlisted, or initiated, but it'll do). I told everyone that I cared about that I was leaving, and that it was likely that it might be a while before I saw them again.

I never had a proper 'good bye' ... but what surprised me (not a pleasant surprise) is that I became detached from my former life/aquaintances very quickly. I hope they forgot me as quickly.

The point is, cutting people out of your life doesn't have to be something formal - it happens at some point by itself after you haven't had contact for a while.... I don't recommend it though.

True true...I moved 2,000 miles from home and I've even lost touch with alot of important family : (

Even people I never thought I could live without talking to everyday.

 

[LadyINFJ]

For anyone who's done it, I'm curious about how you were able to cut people out of your life? Were these people you were close with, did they see or not see it coming, how did you deal with those who didn't? How did you go about it in general? If you don't mind sharing I'm interested in the specifics of "told them this", "did that".

It's something that has been mentioned a few times on the forum and I'm curious to hear more about it.

Thanks

Well, being a person who is extremely picky in letting people close to me, I didn't expirience the need to cut people out of my life very often. But a couple of times, yes. Those were people who backstabbed or just disappointed me beyond my point of tolerence. Depending on the act and how bad it was, I either just put a distance between me and them (just being cold, not sharing, being simply polite), either stop all interactions. I always tell them why I took this decision so that they are aware and not just sitting there wondering "what is wrong". I like things between me and people to be clear and I usually confront them with an honest explanation. It is possible that they are hurt, it is possible that they just don't understand what I say, it is possible that they don't think I mean it and it is possible that they believe they were right hurting me. I treat people with respect and I expect the same in return. Silly me, not everyone sees the world through my eyes or has same values. This is where most of the conflicts start and end. Depending on how close we were, it either breaks my heart, either makes me feel good.

 

[LadyINFJ]

I'm an extremely all or nothing person. If I'm friends with you, I'm very much in, and I'll tolerate quite a lot, but then I'll hit my limit and be done.

Me, too. Either give it all, either take it all back. It is empty in the middle.

 

[INFJsupergirl]

I am in the process of doing some cutting.

 

[le balance]

I tend to give myself wholly to people that I care for, including friends, lovers, and family. If I feel used, misused or betrayed I tend to walk away. Being INFJ, this has happened all to frequently. I usually tell the person how I feel about their treatment of me, as it's a release. I guess being able to let go involves having a very strong sense of one's own needs and how (or if at all) others meet them in balance with what one contributes.

 

[Billy]

I've done it a few times. Mostly to people I

A. felt betrayed by
B. People who I hurt consistently.

The trickiest part are the mutual friends, I solved that by letting them keep them.

 

[invisible]

i feel that life is brief and difficult so i have no problem in leaving people behind when the relationship is not working. i have cut close immediate and extended family out of my life after prolonged and intense hurts and betrayals they inflicted on me. it took years to make these decisions and i always begged for things to change before cutting these people out of my life. i have cut other close friends out of my life for the same reasons too. in these cases i have deliberately broken contact rather than quietly drifting away. sometimes i have achieved this by changing my contact numbers and email addresses. in one special case i even changed my legal name. if i have been contacted asking to reestablish contact i've been very clear. i've told the person that i gave them many chances to stop hurting me and to contribute something meaningful to the relationship but it is too late for all that now and i don't want to hear from them ever again. i've told them there's nothing else to discuss.

if someone doesn't put in any effort but doesn't exactly hurt me, then fine, no big deal - they get what they give, and i stop making effort too. i'm generous and loving but anyone can get downgraded from VIP status permanently if they show that they are seriously and deliberately prepared to take me for granted. if they continue to cancel arrangements repeatedly i eventually decide they're not genuine and just stop responding to their communications.

for a long time i hoarded relationships and refused to let them go even when i was the only one putting in any effort, but life has been a lot easier since i stopped doing that. i like burning off these leeches who suck me dry.