confused feelings for first love | INFJ Forum

confused feelings for first love

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carbon

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Mar 31, 2013
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Hi everyone, I recently found this website and it's been great learning that there are people out there like me.

I don't know if this is an INFJ problem or just a human problem but I really need to talk about it because it's consuming my mind.

About a year ago, I re-connected with an ex-bf (first love). That has been going well and we were pretty steady friends through last year. I recently met up with him and found out that he's going through some rough times now and this is in turn making me unhappy. I'm worried about him. I've also come to realize that I still love him. But there's nothing to do about it because (1) he's married and (2) even if he weren't, the last time we were together, the attempt nearly killed us both, i.e., I don't think we are right for eachother.

I hate the fact that my mind even thought of #2 given #1. I hate that I have all these emotions that I can neither do anything about nor make sense of.

I feel like I've moved on from him and the love I have now is the kind of love anyone would have for a first love. But on the other hand, I do still find him physically attractive, and when I think of that, I feel extremely guilty because he is married. I really value our friendship so I don't want to let it go but I don't want to have these feelings.

I'm not sure if I have a question but I really needed to let it out. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
 
Have you dated any new guys recently? If not, I think you should.
 
You say that you are worried about him, and that you love him; does that equate to "I must therefore help/rescue him." ? If so I implore you to find some means by which to distract yourself form this thought process. Please put yourself in the shoes of his wife, and decide if you would want an ex-girlfriend to "help" your hypothetical husband to get thru a rough patch.

I know that for me, when a situation causes the kind of cognitive dissonance that you are experiencing, then the answer is almost always; do not act on the impulse.

Many relationships are fragile, and need all the protection that they can get.
[MENTION=541]toska[/MENTION] had some good advice.
 
How did it almost kill you?
 
Nitesteamer said:
You say that you are worried about him, and that you love him; does that equate to "I must therefore help/rescue him." ? If so I implore you to find some means by which to distract yourself form this thought process. Please put yourself in the shoes of his wife, and decide if you would want an ex-girlfriend to "help" your hypothetical husband to get thru a rough patch.

I know that for me, when a situation causes the kind of cognitive dissonance that you are experiencing, then the answer is almost always; do not act on the impulse.

Many relationships are fragile, and need all the protection that they can get.
[MENTION=541]toska[/MENTION] had some good advice.
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You're right, my first impulse was to help, and I already did, by giving him some advice. I don't see myself doing much more than that. I understand about putting myself in his wife's shoes - the last thing I want to do is to come between them.

I guess my main question is how to stop having these feelings and continue the friendship.
 
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Since you have strong feelings for him, and are physically attracted, I believe that you should move on.
 
understandable that because you care, you want to be his rescue but it's not going to be good for you in the long run. He may lean on you for support, leading to more feelings and attachment and possibly more, but later it's never usually good for the ex who is still in love. The fact that he has a wife makes it more complicated than maybe even you realize because he may find himself attracted to you because you're emotionally available to him, and could mistake those feelings for more, and complicate things with his wife. Getting involved with someone who is married is a tricky situation. It never usually pans out the way many think it does. i think being friends is doing more harm than good. Sometimes, people think it's as simple as being friends, but friendship can keep feelings going longer than any intend. It can open old connections. Not all exes should be friends. In order to move on, sometimes it's best to cut ties.

Continuing to interact on a personal level, even if it is just sharing feelings or discussing problems and struggles, can lead to emotional affairs, if not physical, because someone is looking at someone outside their marriage for attention, validation, and support. he really should be seeing a counselor. Depending on you may simply confuse yours and his feelings.

In the end, you want someone who is wholly and completely available to you, to reciprocate the feelings and love you give to them. Sharing someone with someone else is usually not fulfilling for most people especially when you don't know if their feelings are based on real interest or affection or just attachment based on "rescue me" syndrome.

Sometimes, you may think you're helping someone when things are only being complicated more by your involvement with them. Being emotionally involved with someone who is married, who is not completely emotionally available to you because they're dealing with stuff with another relationship, is not healthy for you or them. It's nice that you want to help, but it's probably not the best thing to be his friend right now. Let someone else be that for him. Sometimes, loving someone from afar is the best thing for you and them.

The more involved you become with his problems and relationship, the more you may be getting yourself involved in something you may not be able to easily get out of later.
 
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Maven said:
understandable that because you care, you want to be his rescue but it's not going to be good for you in the long run. He may lean on you for support, leading to more feelings and attachment and possibly more, but later it's never usually good for the ex who is still in love. The fact that he has a wife makes it more complicated than maybe even you realize because he may find himself attracted to you because you're emotionally available to him, and could mistake those feelings for more, and complicate things with his wife. Getting involved with someone who is married is a tricky situation. It never usually pans out the way many think it does. i think being friends is doing more harm than good. Sometimes, people think it's as simple as being friends, but friendship can keep feelings going longer than any intend. It can open old connections. Not all exes should be friends. In order to move on, sometimes it's best to cut ties.

Continuing to interact on a personal level, even if it is just sharing feelings or discussing problems and struggles, can lead to emotional affairs, if not physical, because someone is looking at someone outside their marriage for attention, validation, and support. he really should be seeing a counselor. Depending on you may simply confuse yours and his feelings.

In the end, you want someone who is wholly and completely available to you, to reciprocate the feelings and love you give to them. Sharing someone with someone else is usually not fulfilling for most people especially when you don't know if their feelings are based on real interest or affection or just attachment based on "rescue me" syndrome.

Sometimes, you may think you're helping someone when things are only being complicated more by your involvement with them. Being emotionally involved with someone who is married, who is not completely emotionally available to you because they're dealing with stuff with another relationship, is not healthy for you or them. It's nice that you want to help, but it's probably not the best thing to be his friend right now. Let someone else be that for him. Sometimes, loving someone from afar is the best thing for you and them.

The more involved you become with his problems and relationship, the more you may be getting yourself involved in something you may not be able to easily get out of later.
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It's not that I want to be involved with him. He's married. That fact is very clear to me, both on a rational and emotional level. I don't want to date him. My question was more how can I get past these feelings and continue to be friends with him.

But I see what you mean about getting emotionally involved, how it's a slippery slope.
 
I guess our point is, whether or not you want to be involved, you are putting yourself in a situation to be involved by being friends and that fact alone complicates things whether you want to have feelings for him or not. if you keep holding on to the friendship, you could be creating a bigger problem for yourself and him without realizing it because you're still connected. Which is why everyone is suggesting you move on. Continuing to be friends is not going to help you get rid of your feelings. Just being there as emotional support is compromising you and him.
 
carbon said:
Not recently, but I've dated many guys after him. I agree with you that I should date, if only as a distraction.
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This was how I got over my first love. I was hung up on him for a year, then I got tired of it and decided to start just going out and meeting new people without having any sort of agenda or expectations. Eventually I realized that I had been hung up on a fantasy of how I wanted our relationship to be, and there was a whole new world of endless possibilities out there that I could have never imagined. But most importantly I learned that I'm ok being alone.
 
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Maven said:
I guess our point is, whether or not you want to be involved, you are putting yourself in a situation to be involved by being friends and that fact alone complicates things whether you want to have feelings for him or not. if you keep holding on to the friendship, you could be creating a bigger problem for yourself and him without realizing it because you're still connected. Which is why everyone is suggesting you move on. Continuing to be friends is not going to help you get rid of your feelings. Just being there as emotional support is compromising you and him.
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I just re-read your previous post too and I think I have a better understanding now. Being supportive to him will inevitably draw us both into a deeper emotional connection, whether we initially wanted to or not...and that's not right since he is married. So even if he is looking to me for help, then I need to keep my distance.

It makes a lot of sense. Thanks.
 
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toska said:
This was how I got over my first love. I was hung up on him for a year, then I got tired of it and decided to start just going out and meeting new people without having any sort of agenda or expectations. Eventually I realized that I had been hung up on a fantasy of how I wanted our relationship to be, and there was a whole new world of endless possibilities out there that I could have never imagined. But most importantly I learned that I'm ok being alone.
Click to expand...

Thanks for sharing. I know what you mean about being hung up on a fantasy. Even though I care about my ex, it is more the memory of who he was (when we dated) that I love, if that makes sense.

Feelings are complicated things. We've been friends for a year now and things had been fine last year (in the sense that I didn't feel that sense of love or attraction for him) but now that he's in trouble, I feel like I love him more/want to care for him? Can anyone explain this?
 
carbon said:
I just re-read your previous post too and I think I have a better understanding now. Being supportive to him will inevitably draw us both into a deeper emotional connection, whether we initially wanted to or not...and that's not right since he is married. So even if he is looking to me for help, then I need to keep my distance.

It makes a lot of sense. Thanks.
Click to expand...

Sounds like the right move.
 
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