Conflict Styles and Communication | INFJ Forum

Conflict Styles and Communication

eloquent_leo

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Oct 4, 2011
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I came across this today and found it to be quite useful for understanding how my conflict style and my ex husband's style were misunderstood. I'm not looking towards the aspects of compatability, but to understand how conflicts are generally handled by different types and more importantly to have a good friendship with my ex husband for my kids. Feel free to share your thoughts, opinions, etc.

http://www.personality-power-for-everyday-living.com/Compatibility-test-infj.html
 
I especially liked this part
The INTJ can be wonderful mates, loyal, non-complaining, honest
And this one's kinda funny cuz it can be true about certain things
INTJ will be quietly persistent and very stubborn
For example I don't cut people any slack when they're in a bad mood. If they do something that I strongly feel is out of line, they're going to hear about it immediately whether they like it or not. And I expect them to be able to respond in a straightfoward, rational manner. I expect this regardless of their mood. I absolutely do not accept a bad mood as a justification for doing something I'd otherwise find unacceptable too. I've heard on more than 1 occasion, people telling me it's more effective if I wait until the person calms down or is in a better mood. But the point is, I do not think that I should have to. And this stuff is non-negotiable. I'm not going to manipulate or game someone into doing what I think they should. They need to do it of their own accord.

INTJ can be a skilled and proficient lover
Yep. Fuckin' stallions we are.
May maintain a grudge if they feel they are being dealt with unfairly
100% yes. I don't really let people get away with shitting on me.
Unless stressed, INTJ will be somewhat impersonal in their conflict resolution activity
:D
 
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And this one's kinda funny cuz it can be true about certain things For example I don't cut people any slack when they're in a bad mood. If they do something that I strongly feel is out of line, they're going to hear about it immediately whether they like it or not. And I expect them to be able to respond in a straightfoward, rational manner. I expect this regardless of their mood. I absolutely do not accept a bad mood as a justification for doing something I'd otherwise find unacceptable too. I've heard on more than 1 occasion, people telling me it's more effective if I wait until the person calms down or is in a better mood. But the point is, I do not think that I should have to. And this stuff is non-negotiable. I'm not going to manipulate or game someone into doing what I think they should. They need to do it of their own accord.

The reason why it might behoove someone to wait until someone has "cooled down" is because, regardless of whether or not you think it shouldn't affect someone's decision-making capacity, emotion has a strong influence on judgment. Not everyone is you, and it's fairly limiting to have one blanket expectation that you use for everyone. Under stress/ emotional duress people will respond differently, therefore making the best way to respond to any situation being to respond to people on an individual level, rather than making unrealistic expectations of them that they're never going to meet - because, once again, they're not you. It would be spiffy if people could respond in a straightforward, rational manner no matter their mood, but, unfortunately, people are human. Consequently, their mood is going to compel to respond in ways that could be completely baffling and irrational, and ways that they might regret later (also things that they wouldn't have said otherwise).

I would imagine that humans have this response for a reason - emotions driving actions as, for example, a means to survive. Unfortunately, at the same time, it can also get people into trouble.

You could come up to someone who's pissed the fuck off, get in their face, and tell them what you think they've done wrong, but do you rationally expect them to respond in a logical, straightforward manner? They're not going to be reasonable, they're not going to hear what you're saying, but this is a natural consequence of the strong influence that emotions have on one's judgment.

I do, however, strongly agree that using one's emotions as justification for causing poor behavior is unacceptable, in most cases, but that doesn't change the fact that it can influence behavior.
 
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The reason why it might behoove someone to wait until someone has "cooled down" is because, regardless of whether or not you think it shouldn't affect someone's decision-making capacity, emotion has a strong influence on judgment. Not everyone is you, and it's fairly limiting to have one blanket expectation that you use for everyone. Under stress/ emotional duress people will respond differently, therefore making the best way to respond to any situation being to respond to people on an individual level, rather than making unrealistic expectations of them that they're never going to meet - because, once again, they're not you. It would be spiffy if people could respond in a straightforward, rational manner no matter they're mood, but, unfortunately, people are human. Consequently, their mood is going to compel to respond in ways that could be completely baffling and irrational, and ways that they might regret later (also things that they wouldn't have said otherwise).

I would imagine that humans have this response for a reason - emotions driving actions as, for example, a means to survive. Unfortunately, at the same time, it can also get people into trouble.

You could come up to someone who's pissed the fuck off, get in their face, and tell them what you think they've done wrong, but do you rationally expect them to respond in a logical, straightforward manner? They're not going to be reasonable, they're not going to hear what you're saying, but this is a natural consequence of the strong influence that emotions have on one's judgment.

I do, however, strongly agree that using one's emotions as justification for causing poor behavior is unacceptable, in most cases, but that doesn't change the fact that it can influence behavior.
Heh I'm not talking about fuming mad. I'm talking about in a pissy irritable mood (which is something that can come about quasi regularly).
 
Yeah, I have to say, thats me in a nutshell. I take things too personally, I over analyze, and I have the hardest time getting right to the point because I get so stuck on the little details that I skip the big picture. OR, like it says, I get to the big picture much too quickly and I end up feeling remorse for my blunt, brash behavior.
I have the nice disease. o_O

-Anna
 
Yes, I agree with with all the points they spelled out for my INFJ self and for my ISTJ husband. We communicate quite well, but that is also something that I have had to develop b/c I tend to internalize things. My husband has had to learn to "back-off" when a conflict arises. I need time to think it out or cool off, when he is demanding a resolve at that moment. I've learned to be blunt with my words so they are not misinterpreted (I have a tendancy to speak in metaphors.) We are both resolution seekers, so to be honest ... there has not been many conflicts that have gone unresolved. With an unresolved issue ... it is a grey area that I am ok with while sorting it out, but it is incredibly difficult for him. During those greys, he feels very insecure. He does not expect perfection, but does not like things to be "broken."
 
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ENFP Conflict Reactions Personality Traits:


  • ENFP will likely feel uncomfortable, misunderstood in conflict
...

  • ENFP may determine initially that holding onto the marriage/relationship is more important than the conflict

yeah...

ENFP Likely Positive Solutions Will Be

Fair, reasonable, considerate

Idealistic, na
 
Nope, the INFJ doesn't really describe my approach to it. I'll blame it on my father, he is a very strong-minded ENTJ so I spent my childhood learning to adapt. Put me in the middle of a conflict and a switch turns; my feelings go out the window and I become an INTJ. Afterwards I go back to a more natural state and sometimes reflect on "wow, did I really say those things?"

The INFJ describes more my long-term approach and reactions to conflicts than it does my immediate reaction.
 
It depends how long I know the person. It usually applies to me overall when I'm not stressed out beyond control. Otherwise I'll end up saying something along the lines of "Why do you have to be such an ***hole", go to the room and cry. Then apologize for my harsh remark, give in.. ughhh... >_<
 
The INTP is likely the LEAST ROMANTIC of all 16 types
The INTP may search all their lives for
 
Heh I'm not talking about fuming mad. I'm talking about in a pissy irritable mood (which is something that can come about quasi regularly).

Yeah, I didn't necessarily mean only fuming mad, either, I was just using that emotional state as an example. Just being pissy/irritable can have an influence, as well. I don't know, I've lived with drama kings/queens and those prone to getting moody without a moment's notice just about my entire life, so I'm used to seeing how their emotions influence their typical reactions, and responding accordingly to whichever emotional state they're exhibiting. Oftentimes, just walking away was the only solution, as I realized at a young age that no matter how sound my arguments, nor how stable my logic, they really weren't hearing a word I said. It would have been worthless and a waste of both our times to try to present my case to them, until they were able to really listen to them. Yeah, definitely too much heartache and frustration from trying to reason with people when their heads weren't clear.
 
It didn't have on rare occasion, if conflict is too big emotionally, INFJ can become manic and possibly dangerous. This leads to them later getting super depressed over the fact they lost control.