Conflict Evasion

[Faye]

EDIT: nevermind, this thread is far too open to misinterpretation.... please lock.

 

[TinyBubbles]

i can't really relate, i'm more likely to insist people finish the argument and come to some sort of conclusion, than to avoid it and risk it blowing up again later on. but if there is no conflict to begin with.. then, yeah, i delay. delay until i can figure out how to solve it. depends on the situation though, some situations are more clear cut than others.

i think you gotta know how to be honest and direct when you need to be though, otherwise you're going to have problems with relationships all your life. there's ways of being honest without being tactless, without hurting the person unnecessarily, but just avoiding them and lying is no solution at all. at best it's a short term delaying tactic; at worst you're giving them a false sense of security, and compromising on what you really believe - you could even end up making the problem worse. if i were you, dragon, i'd make it a priority to learn how to be assertive. it's good to care about people, btw, and not want them to be treated poorly, that speaks highly of your character. but it's just not appropriate to evade conflict all your life, some situations require force, otherwise they will never get resolved.

 

[Gaze]

Edit: This is kind-of a break off of the thread on niceness.

I don't really know how to not be too nice. Especially when I am in stressful situations with potentially bad consequences, I become overly nice; I think it is a natural reaction to get out of trouble. I always try to be accommodating and prevent conflicts, and I actually have offended people because I went too far out of my way to try and prevent any conflicts, which I then got them to not care about because I was too nice again and immediately apologized.

I can't express how strong this is- I will engage in semi-pathological lying in order to avoid conflict, meaning I'll bend the truth if I need to. I will say, though, that I can't stand bending the truth to make people feel bad in order to prevent them to do something- I wouldn't want to emotionally manipulate people by guilt tripping them (that is something another type likes to do, but I'm not going there).

I really just can't stand people treating each other poorly. Today, I was standing in line to get some food, and the guy getting the food was making fun of one of the others; I just had to phase out because I could tell she was genuinely upset.

What do you all think of this? Can you relate at all? Do you think that this may have anything to do with a sense of inferiority? I simply do not have a confrontational personality, once the realm of ideas is left in a debate and people enter into the ad hominem realm, I'm out.

I can relate somewhat. I think I am nice, but I like getting my point across. I am annoyed when people show a lack of consideration for others especially in public settings or situations, but I'm no saint either.

So, although I am not confrontational, I will sometimes question someone sternly if I think what they are say seems unreasonable (from my perspective, and I could be wrong). And I do get easily irritated if someone I'm having a conversation with cannot engage with me on a topic, but goes along with everything said just to get along. As long as the conversation doesn't become too heated and both parties are objectve and reasonable, I think it should not be as difficult to engage in a discussion or debate. I think two people should be able to have a civil discussion as long as both are not demeaned, unheard, or not shown respect.

I don't support ad hominem attacks either.

And, I am weary of emotional manipulation. It's misguided, and too often justified. I won't say I'm not manipulative because I can be. But since I've been subject to emotional manipulation over the years, and know how emotionally abusive and draining it is, I try to avoid engaging in it or going through it.

 

[Faye]

i can't really relate, i'm more likely to insist people finish the argument and come to some sort of conclusion, than to avoid it and risk it blowing up again later on. but if there is no conflict to begin with.. then, yeah, i delay. delay until i can figure out how to solve it. depends on the situation though, some situations are more clear cut than others.

i think you gotta know how to be honest and direct when you need to be though, otherwise you're going to have problems with relationships all your life. there's ways of being honest without being tactless, without hurting the person unnecessarily, but just avoiding them and lying is no solution at all. at best it's a short term delaying tactic; at worst you're giving them a false sense of security, and compromising on what you really believe - you could even end up making the problem worse. if i were you, dragon, i'd make it a priority to learn how to be assertive. it's good to care about people, btw, and not want them to be treated poorly, that speaks highly of your character. but it's just not appropriate to evade conflict all your life, some situations require force, otherwise they will never get resolved.

I never said that once a problem arises, I wont address it. I wouldn't go to bed angry- I'd stay up and fight. However, my point was that I try very hard to avoid having to staying up and fight in the first place. I guess maybe conflict evasive isn't the best term- maybe conflict preventative is better? The way you are describing me isn't accurate at all, and the advice you've suggested, while it is good, is unnecessary.

I don't think I said that I cannot be assertive either. I can, but I really hate doing it because once I'm forced to that point, I am fairly uncompromising. I think most infjs are similar with this kind of lack of ability to compromise as well, and INTJs are also similar.

 

[Trifoilum]

I don't really know how to not be too nice. Especially when I am in stressful situations with potentially bad consequences, I become overly nice; I think it is a natural reaction to get out of trouble. I always try to be accommodating and prevent conflicts, and I actually have offended people because I went too far out of my way to try and prevent any conflicts, which I then got them to not care about because I was too nice again and immediately apologized.

I can relate to this paragraph. I try to be nice, as harmless as possible (not to mention quiet) as to, "look, look, I'm docile and harmless. NOW SHUT UP." And oh boy how I snap if someone still decide annoying me is fun atm.

I don't think I can become very accommodating though. I tried to mention that I'm not in my very best, and please understand.

If I may guess, it's probably that you had moments when you finally expressing yourself, only to be received badly, if any. Sometimes being nice and harmonious can have its advantages, I completely understand that.

But as with May, I would suggest learning assertiveness too (and thanks May for the suggestion! I certainly needed that) because assertiveness doesn't mean tactless; it's the crazies, ignore them.

But in longer term, the mental stress over accumulating problems -and- inability to express oneself well before would drive one crazy, and into one beautiful, explosive moment of a car crash....usually over something very small. So I would suggest assertiveness too so you're able to...rescue yourself before crashing down.

@EDIT : Heee, you replied before I did. Sorry, I think my advice won't be very useful to you too;

I don't think I said that I cannot be assertive either. I can, but I really hate doing it because once I'm forced to that point, I am fairly uncompromising. I think most infjs are similar with this kind of lack of ability to compromise as well, and INTJs are also similar.

I can relate, and I myself attribute this into my personality flaw. So maybe we're different in this point..

I never said that once a problem arises, I wont address it. I wouldn't go to bed angry- I'd stay up and fight. However, my point was that I try very hard to avoid having to staying up and fight in the first place. I guess maybe conflict evasive isn't the best term- maybe conflict preventative is better? The way you are describing me isn't accurate at all, and the advice you've suggested, while it is good, is unnecessary.

But wouldn't that mean keeping it on until it bugs you a lot; which kinda implies emotional reaction?
I personally believe there's a big, completely acceptable gap between holding it on until you snap and always whining on every discomfort. That aside, it's a humane albeit unnice thing if this is the case during emotional instability, but if this is the case normally, and I'd emphatically say it's still a bad trait to have.