COMPLICATED ENTP/INFJ romance. Please help to understand INFJ silence. | INFJ Forum

COMPLICATED ENTP/INFJ romance. Please help to understand INFJ silence.

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by WildatHeart, Oct 20, 2014.

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  1. WildatHeart

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    The whole story has started in the spring this year (2014), and is so damn complicated (hhh surprise, surprise, INFJ involved)

    We are talking ENTP/INFJ relationship here.



    When we first met the INFJ fellow was just getting better after a very serious disease. He wasn’t fully recovered, was fatigued and physically as well as mentally exhausted. Our relationship has developed with a speed of light though, without me putting any pressure (I was utterly understanding of his condition). Rather it was him that found our relationship revitalizing and healing and was going full speed. However he closed down very suddenly and irreversibly. As he was beginning falling for me he realised he wasn’t quite finished with the relationship to his ex wife after two years of divorce. So he was going to give it a go to be sure it was a right decision.

    After the break up we stayed in contact and were exchanging mails. Apart from mails we had some spiritual contact, where I felt he was following me and my life (he confirmed that feeling I had). Maybe because he felt responsible, or maybe because we both felt the need to be connected, I don’t know. I was utterly in love with him and was devastated by his sudden retreat. However I accepted it. And furthermore I realised that meeting this man has changed me and my entire life, so it was definitely worth it even though it was hell on earth. So, he sure deed make a huge impression on me and made a serious foot print in my life. When he eventually wrote to me that he is getting back together with his ex wife I have decided to let him go and let him free. I wasn’t going to wait or fight for him. He got to do what he got to do, I understood and accepted it. So I took off and went traveling to the other side of the world. It took time, loads of tears and meditation but I reached my goal and let him and myself free. And after a while I felt like reborn. I was stronger, wiser, and most importantly, I felt whole, happy and fulfilled.

    After been away the whole summer I came back home for a couple of weeks before continuing traveling (I took half a year break from work). I wrote to him, as I wanted to check up on him, if he was ok (physically) and happy (with his family life), which I sincerely wished he was. For the record, I couldn’t really get interested or involved with anybody during summer even though I tried (which is not at all typical for me). So he received my mail and quite unexpectedly he suggested we meet up, which was rather odd. So we deed. He told me it didn’t work out with his ex and they split up again. He seemed to be impressed with how I changed, and told me that I was lighting from inside. He was happy to see me, I certainly felt that. We had a long conversation and ended up kissing, and he even expressed some interest in some more intimate activity. Saying good bye he told me he’ll write to me, as I was going for the next adventure next day (going for two months traveling again). But on which terms we were going to meet up next time was an open question.

    So a month has past now since our meeting. I came over initial shock, and wrote him 4 letters. Apart from writing me a goodbye sms the day I left, he never replied to any of my letters. I can wait for this guy from now on and for ever, he is worth it. He is the one, I don’t need to think twice, I know. However, I can’t figure out what he wants. I know that he knows that I had sat him free and was ready to meet him on friendship terms, I sincerely believed that he was with his wife and wished him all the happiness in the world. But he hasn’t picked that possibility up, which was very easy thing to do, I was already playing a friend role. And he only had to tell me that even though he isn’t with his wife, he wants to stay on friendship terms that would be enough. However, he deed change the game, BUT now he is gone completely numb and not responding…
    I know he will show up at some point and I know he cares for me. But I don’t understand what’s going on. Can you INFJ guys kindly help me to decipher what it all could mean and what should I expect???

    PS.
    I’m not a native English speaker, so please excuse my spelling or grammar mistakes 
     
  2. Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    [/PHP]He kissed you - I would take that as a sign he was interested in being more than friends once you went out into the world and stopped focusing on him. If he didn't answer one letter and you wrote three more, I wonder what was in the letters? I am not male but I am infj and one thing I do not have patience for is clinginess in a mate.
    Maybe it would be worth a phone call to clarify?
     
  3. OP
    WildatHeart

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    Hmm, I'm everything but clingy. I do want him, but I don't need him. I'm actually qiete happy and content as things are or were. And he knows that. And really, I wasn't expecting anything else than been friends and was fine with that. We could of just stayed there.

    My letters are for the most part about my life and adventures. I wrote one letter that specifically has adressed our relationship, where I also was open as to the possibility of becoming friends. So I leave plenty of space for him to back out as well...

    but the only thing I get in return is silence...
     
  4. Grayman

    Grayman Community Member

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    He is attracted to your light and will snuff it out if he gets to close. Seems his interests are elsewhere and you are a good escape when he needs one. You dont want to be an escape. Movies are escapes from life. You are a human being.
     
  5. OP
    WildatHeart

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    Mmm, that's depressing, if true... And not very considerate of him, as he knew exactly where I was before meeting him.
    It's difficult to believe that he can be so inconsiderate, it's very much NOT like him.

    I'm not sure it is the case... Or maybe I just don't want to believe that it is.
     
  6. NaeturVindur

    NaeturVindur Cuddlemaster
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    Could you give us (really, me) more details on the timing? When did the marriage start and end? Then two years, then you two meet for the first time? How long was the first instance of the relationship? How long was the second attempt with the ex wife?

    From what you said, I can get a very good sense of how you're feeling, but there's not quite information on him to understand what he's feeling.
     
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  7. OP
    WildatHeart

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    Sure :)

    He was married for 13 years and has a son who is about 6 years old now. His marriage ended for about 3 years ago by now (after a long period of par therapy and attempts to save it). By the time I met him last year, he was one year through his disease (he is a cancer survivor) and two years after divorce. We were together about one month, February/March 2014, which is nothing but it was extremely intense and felt like we were together for a couple of years after this one month. When he brock up with me, we kept in contact (writing as well as spiritual contact) until I went traveling overseas during the summer and sat myself a goal to let him and myself free, so I stopped the contact. His attempt to restart his family have started in May/June and ended in July after summer holiday together.

    Feel free to ask if I left smth out :)
     
  8. NaeturVindur

    NaeturVindur Cuddlemaster
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    Thats plenty of information.

    I'm sorry, but my best guess is he's rebounding. In the sort of situation he was in, he would immediately gravitate towards someone kind and caring. The trouble is, he had 13 years of a relationship, and I'll guess about 11 years of a great marriage. When those sorts of relationships end, people really tend to have a combination of suddenly unmet needs, and a subconscious desire to relive parts of the relationship to do things better. Ideally, people figure these things out on there own, but when their's someone so available, its hard to resist rebounding. Love is an addiction, and it takes time to get over the habit of being with a particular person. I would also guess that part of what has made your feelings so strong (in addition to compatibility and all the normal stuff) is that he so quickly started showing you the level of affection that normally takes years to foster.

    So it royally sucks, but my guess is that it would be better for everyone involved for you two to simply be friends (at least for the next 4 years).

    I say this all with one caveat. I don't personally know either of you, and don;t know that much of the finer details. So these are my best guesses, but I could be wildly wrong.
     
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  9. Grayman

    Grayman Community Member

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    We cannot really know and the only way to be certain is to ask him. But you are asking about INFJ and you seem to think it as something to do with that so...

    What are his higher values? What about his life, children, job, religion, can he not compromise on without feeling like a bad person, incomplete, or a failure and does your relationship, through your doing or by circumstance, help or hinder him in these goals?

    It is important that he sees you as being a good part of what he values most in life and not separate from it adn this might require more than just words but action adn being there to carry the burden and help provide him the means in which to achieve his goals. Preferably your goals would be aligned so that you could help each other as you walk the same direction.
     
  10. OP
    WildatHeart

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    This is a bit like getting a hard kick in the stomach... But rather that then being ignorant. That’s a good thing about being ENTP, I can take A LOT. I'm a survivor :) (and luckily the worst part of this story is already over :))

    He sure does have some feelings for me though. Not just responsibility, but pure feelings. Last year, I think he was in the process of falling for me but couldn't let go of his ex or maybe even more so of the idea of having a perfect family.

    Maybe he is gone under the ground now because he is confused AND I think his trying to protect me from being hurt again. So he wants to be sure before he states anything one way or another. And HE is not jumping into the friendship thing, as I actually already deed. He just had to confirm the thing.

    But jahhhhh, I have to think this rebound thing through... He just doesn't seem to be a rebound kind of guy. However, he is just a guy, even if one of the best ones I ever have known...
     
    #10 WildatHeart, Oct 21, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2014
  11. OP
    WildatHeart

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    And... I'm pretty sure I deed ask him once if it was a rebound and he denied it...
     
  12. NaeturVindur

    NaeturVindur Cuddlemaster
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    From my understanding of it (from 5+ years formally studying psychology) very few people are not rebound types if given a good opportunity, and most people don't realize it when they are rebounding because they don't understand why they would rebound.
     
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  13. OP
    WildatHeart

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    :m142:

    ..he is a post doc in psychology as well...
     
  14. NaeturVindur

    NaeturVindur Cuddlemaster
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    well, thats a little disconfirming evidence of everything I just said.
     
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  15. OP
    WildatHeart

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    Nice! Then there is hope (cried my broken heart) !

    I think there might of being elements of rebound in our relationship, but I don't think it's that simple though.

    I know he is going to show up in some form at some point. So I would just have to be patient and wait. There isn't much I can do.

    THANK YOU for commenting!!! I got a bit of a new insight and it also helps just letting things out:)
     
  16. James

    James Infamy, infamy.. they've all got it infamy
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    I hope things work out for you both (my wife is entp) but life is short, so make your own path. I hope he joins you or you both find what you need, life eh ? Take care x
     
  17. OP
    WildatHeart

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    Thanks!

    :m045:

    For me its more or less enough to know that he exists :) He is that kind of a specail guy that makes everything make sense:mlove2:.

    I just got really confused by his (for me) a sudden move. But I was not and am not waiting. Doing my stuff and going my way. I just don't seem to be able to fall for anybody else (and I even stopped looking). But I do enjoy life big time, so it's not a problem. Not yet anyway.

    And maybe one day I'll fall for smbd. else.

    Its wiered though... Very untypical for me, not being able to 'move on'...
     
    #17 WildatHeart, Oct 22, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2014
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