casual vs. serious

[Gaze]

So, it seems to be a fairly common thing today to first approach relationships casually then see if there is something serious later on. However, I've always experienced feelings as serious or significant in their meaning and long term, never truly casual. I honestly don't even think it's in my nature to really connect with "casual" emotional or physical relationships. They are not fulfilling.

Is anyone else the same and how do you handle this part of yourself when you're dating? How do you date knowing that anyone you date or have a relationship with will never really be casual to you, but almost always experienced as something meaningful or serious? How do you spot those who are looking for casual vs. those who are more serious?

 

[Gaze]

I am a completely backwards person when it comes to any kind of relationship, including friendship. I watch the person of interest. If they treat others with kindness and have certain qualities (quirky, smart, funny, silly, independent, caring) then I become interested in finding out what makes them tick.

This is casual for a very, very long time but can get more involved at points if I develop an actual crush. I have not had many intense relationships but if the person passes all of my "tests" and I still have feelings, they are no longer on the casual list. Then, I am all in and intensely involved. There is no in-between.

Good strategy. It usually takes me a short period of time to decide if the person is right, and then it's usually all in as well. Maybe that's the difference, is that I don't wait long enough before going full force. I think this is done because the more time I take to think about things, the more critical I become, and then talk myself out of it, and then it never goes anywhere. I worry that if I spent too much time worrying whether it's the right person, no one will ever make a move, or then I'll regret not moving forward. But I agree that really scoping, and assessing the person carefully before making that step is important especially if when you're in, there's no half and half.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

How do you even develop feelings for a person? Do you just love them the first day you meet them? I don't get it.

 

[sassafras]

I think it takes time to really know a person, so the casual as a foundation for something serious thing completely fits my MO. Sure, things can get intimate rather quickly, but emotional depth takes time. Or at least it does in my experience. I don't know enough about other people's emotional make-up to judge what's real or isn't real affection. I only know what makes sense to me.

I'd be open to hearing more about how people decide to get serious so early in a relationship, though.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

The beginnings of feelings are sometimes there from the initial observation but they wax and wane. You talk, share, observe. If the person does or says something unpleasant, that can end or lessen the interest. If that never happens, the feelings grow until they are unmanageably intense.

Are you saying that you get to know each other before the relationship begins? This limits relationships to people who happen to be in the same proximity for a long period of time. This is either not likely, or limiting who you can possibly date. For the people who aren't okay with such limitation, they need interest to be enough initially.

 

[Scientia]

Are you saying that you get to know each other before the relationship begins? This limits relationships to people who happen to be in the same proximity for a long period of time. This is either not likely, or limiting who you can possibly date. For the people who aren't okay with such limitation, they need interest to be enough initially.

For me, yes, this is important.

 

[Gaze]

How do you even develop feelings for a person? Do you just love them the first day you meet them? I don't get it.

@TooShyToSay has the best response to this. It's not that you love them from the start but you may feel a strong connection fairly early which indicates there is potential for something serious in contrast to something that is simply a "I kinda like you, let's just hang out with no potential or interest in anything more". Yes, dating allows you to confirm whether it's a good match, and then you can spend time developing the relationship towards something long term. With a serious relationship, you date with a goal towards learning how to build the relationship for a future commitment.

The beginnings of feelings are sometimes there from the initial observation but they wax and wane. You talk, share, observe. If the person does or says something unpleasant, that can end or lessen the interest. If that never happens, the feelings grow until they are unmanageably intense.

Are you saying that you get to know each other before the relationship begins? This limits relationships to people who happen to be in the same proximity for a long period of time. This is either not likely, or limiting who you can possibly date. For the people who aren't okay with such limitation, they need interest to be enough initially.

You're right in that it's not necessarily a case of assuming you will be serious before you get to know them, but that you spend time pursuing something with someone that is likely to become serious, and ignore those that are leading to something else. It's not necessarily love at first sight either, but maybe a sense your connection is a little bit meaningful than the average. I don't know if I'm explaining it well or if there's a ideal way to explain it. It's probably different for each person.