Can you change your type?

[Scientia]

You are all going to laugh but I am really tired of being INFJ. I know people say you can't change your type and it doesn't really matter what you are but I strongly want to change my life and just about everything about how I express myself. Is it possible to do this out of sheer willpower? Have any of you tried?

I am quite close on the T/F . I don't want to express the feels so much and I think I might be able to control it.

I am going to try. I think I can do it.

 

[Matt3737]

@Scientia

What's stressing you?

 

[Scientia]

@Scientia

What's stressing you?

People, I mean close friends I trusted, either try to take advantage of my open nature to use for their own means (like getting laid) or they completely misunderstand my motives and think I am evil and drop me.

I am sick of being vulnerable. I have changed myself before. I think I can do it again.

 

[Matt3737]

People, I mean close friends I trusted, either try to take advantage of my open nature to use for their own means (like getting laid) or they completely misunderstand my motives and think I am evil and drop me.

I am sick of being vulnerable. I have changed myself before. I think I can do it again.

Why do you feel the need to spend time with these people? How much time do you spend in solitude or with family?

 

[Scientia]

Why do you feel the need to spend time with these people? How much time do you spend in solitude or with family?

Admittedly, I get little solitude with little kids. I do spend a lot of time with my family and other friends. I just think it must be my fault because I am the common denominator.

 

[hush]

I'm not doing too great, health-wise, but I just wanted to respond to this...

Scientia, a human being, is a human being. We feel, shit happens, and it hurts. It does not matter what your type is. Being T/F, also does not mean you feel things any less, nor any more. If you're implying that you want to be more "T," and you're an INFJ, that's implying that you want to be an INTJ. Being an INTJ doesn't mean that you feel less. That things affect you less. That you're any greater at coping with feelings. Not at all. You're human. Shit hurts. You aren't just your type. INFJ? Those are four letters that apply to millions of people, each of whom are different. INTJ? Those are four letters that apply to millions of people, each of whom are different.

I can assure you, being "T" or "F" doesn't make anything different, nor easier, nor harder. Pain is pain. It's a bit of an insult to people who are "T," to tell them that they experience this pain any less. I am sorry for your losses, and I am sorry for your vulnerabilities, but changing one's type has no application here.

You are you. You can change yourself, but you are you. We are all human, and we are complex, strange creatures. Honestly, when trying to understand someone, I don't give a damn about their type. I try to know them, as an individual. Try to know yourself, as an individual. Shit hurts. It doesn't hurt any less, if you are a "T." We just have to get through it.

I just... honestly... I've known so many people who are "T" types, known them deeply. It doesn't make anything easier. It doesn't weaken feelings. It doesn't even remotely touch upon who they are, as individuals. I hope you get through this okay, but please understand that one's type doesn't make feelings any easier to endure.

 

[Matt3737]

Admittedly, I get little solitude with little kids. I do spend a lot of time with my family and other friends. I just think it must be my fault because I am the common denominator.

Time to oneself is extremely important. It's time to reflect, meditate, and sort through our own emotions (doing so with close confidants can also be helpful). Exercise is also important and a good opportunity to mentally de-stress.

You have no reason to blame yourself.

 

[Bellosome]

i agree with @hush but i also get where you're coming from, as a feeler, we tend to feel things more hence, we get affected easily. I also try not to not be bothered by those around me, but later realized that, it's in my nature. i care and it's not a bad thing. in fact, not everyone do the "more" stuffs (more observant,more caring,more empathy,more sympathy,more love more etc) and if you're one of those "more" dont EVER change it. the world needs more of you. and like hush said, shit happens to anyone, being an infj or whatver type doesn't exclude you from all the shits. it's about how strong you are at handling the shits. i know you're stronger than what you think of yourself. and remember that whatever one does to you, (good or bad) will reflect on them not on you. *hugs* i know it's easier said than done but give yourself some credit too. things will be better soon. nothing is permanent.

 

[acd]

I can completely understand wanting to be someone else to avoid being hurt. I think sensitive people can develop the toughest outer shells given enough heartache. We all change as we go through life. It can't be helped. But I hope that you won't get to a point where you shut that expressive and vulnerable side down to the point where you find it hard to be vulnerable with worthy people. Because it is hard (but not impossible) to go back once you shut that part of yourself down.

But maybe the way you are feeling is just a sign to take a step back from others and regroup and regain your strength. Maybe somehow, find some alone time. Maybe when the kids are asleep or at school or with family to spend on yourself and refresh. I know if I don't get enough alone time I get to feeling kind of this way.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

Any type can be a boss. Take me for example: I'm a mothafuckin' boss. If an INTP can do it, so can you!

 

[cvp12gh5]

Any type can be a boss. Take me for example: I'm a mothafuckin' boss. If an INTP can do it, so can you!

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

silence

IDK what you just said, but I like it

 

[cvp12gh5]

IDK what you just said, but I like it

You know exactly what I said. Don't play.

 

[CindyLou]

Read about the Ni-Ti loop. People can end up in situations like this by accident. You don't want to be unbalanced. Just something to think about.

 

[Scientia]

Thanks for the responses. @hush I hope you feel better. I think I am not explaining well enough. To be clear, I don't want to feel less. I want to be less open, kind and inviting to others. I am ruining lives by being who I am and it's definitely my fault.

The last two weeks have been awful. Solitude will be a welcome change.

 

[Scientia]

I think it might help if you all knew what happened. The short version is that without knowing it, I broke up two couples: a long term relationship and a marriage because the guys decided they wanted to be with me. One of them I was totally surprised and had absolutely no idea he felt that way. The other was pushing me to be with him but I can't. I lost them as friends and their significant others as well.

So, tell me again how this isn't my fault?

 

[Matt3737]

I think it might help if you all knew what happened. The short version is that without knowing it, I broke up two couples: a long term relationship and a marriage because the guys decided they wanted to be with me. One of them I was totally surprised and had absolutely no idea he felt that way. The other was pushing me to be with him but I can't. I lost them as friends and their significant others as well.

So, tell me again how this isn't my fault?

Unless you deliberately led them on, then they made their own choices and those are their consequences. Their decisions have nothing to do with you.

 

[hush]

I think it might help if you all knew what happened. The short version is that without knowing it, I broke up two couples: a long term relationship and a marriage because the guys decided they wanted to be with me. One of them I was totally surprised and had absolutely no idea he felt that way. The other was pushing me to be with him but I can't. I lost them as friends and their significant others as well.

So, tell me again how this isn't my fault?

Yeah, I agree with Matt... we could just be missing information, but nothing here says that it's your fault. If both of them wanted to be unfaithful to their partners and try to get into your pants while already being in a relationship, then that's their problem. They kind of just sound like assholes to me. I can't blame you for not wanting to be in a relationship with them, as I could never trust either one to be faithful to me. It also sounds like they were broken relationships already anyway - if you're married but trying to cheat on your partner and/or leave them for someone else, then it is not a great marriage. They both made their decisions to try to pursue you. Those are their decisions, their fault, not yours.

In response to wanting to be less kind and inviting to others, I can relate to that. I still stand by what I said though, I don't think typology is the answer. It's not like being an INTJ instantly makes you a closed off jerk. I think it's more important to remain true to yourself, but to try to learn how to make appropriate boundaries. I've been used and trampled upon, and it is not fun. I still have trouble with this sometimes, but life has taught me, that you need to know when to say no. In this particular situation you're describing though, whether or not you said no is secondary to, like I said, the fact that those two tried what they did in the first place.

They broke their own relationships.

Best of wishes to you, I hope you're getting through this okay.

 

[invisible]

No, you can't change your type. MBTI is basically an essentialist, "true self" type approach. This means that you can either find out that you had mistyped yourself, or you can decide that MBTI is irrelevant to your life and reject it as a means of understanding yourself. Alternatively, you can move towards the idea that people of all types become more similar as they become more personally developed.

I don't think it seems as though your type is really the problem here, but others have written pretty coherently about that, I'm just answering your OP.

 

[sassafras]

You can change anything about yourself. Big traits. Small traits. The effort, time and method applied are dependent, of course, on the nature of the change you want to implement... BUT every kind of change first requires accepting yourself where you are, as you are, and making peace with it.

Change doesn't happen over night, after all. Especially if you want to attempt something like changing your entire personality. It's not impossible. You just have to understand that something like that could very well take years. Or maybe even decades. In that time, you still have to live with yourself and your frustrations as you implement the habits and thought patterns you want to make your default and part of your daily life. You're also going to run up against all the fun little ways all your unconscious thought habits and conveniences try to protect themselves from that change. The brain is lazy. It picks the familiar over the different and it puts up resistance. There will be setbacks. And this is where most people get discouraged and give up and why big changes like this are so rare.

Therefore, even though we can sometimes start from a place of 'I hate myself' when we want to change, before we can proceed to the 'change' process, we must move into the 'I know myself and accept myself' place so we can move out of our own way, be patient, and allow the process of change to happen.