Being too long out of relationships

[uzbirn]

Have you been single for a long time (say, at least 5 years)?

Do you think it has affected you in comparison with someone else who got another partner without being single for too long?

Also, if you got again into dating, do you think it affects? Like, does your potential partner raise negative concerns about it? Do you ever feel like you missed experiences, or are perceived as less mature?

I get the feeling many people say it doesn't (like, "it helped me learning to accept myself, become independent and not clingy"), yet it does for them, in a way. I'm not sure why, though. Hence I ask to see more detailed reasons, feelings, etc. about it.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

It's only as weird or awkward as you allow it to be. Yes, it can look strange to people who really need that connection as a constant, but there are plenty of people who don't. If they try to make it awkward you can run with it. "Well, I tried just seducing, torturing, and cannibalizing people for 3 or 4 years, but I just started to feel like I needed something a little more, you know, substantial."

 

[acd]

Look at the positives too. Probably less ex baggage and a lot more independence. Very good things. Any partner who would raise concerns over a lack of extensive dating history should raise red flags for you. It's really not a big deal.

 

[Pin]

Have you been single for a long time (say, at least 5 years)?

I've never had a relationship.

Do you think it has affected you in comparison with someone else who got another partner without being single for too long?

Yes. I'm not as needy as other men. At the moment, I care more about professional achievement than romantic relationships. Relationships are always an option for successful men.

Also, if you got again into dating, do you think it affects? Like, does your potential partner raise negative concerns about it?

Even if they did, I probably wouldn't care as much as they do.

Do you ever feel like you missed experiences, or are perceived as less mature?

Sure, I've missed experiences but that is the cost of glory.

 

[uzbirn]

Any partner who would raise concerns over a lack of extensive dating history should raise red flags for you. It's really not a big deal.

Not a big deal to you or me, but I want to know why is it seen negatively for some others, especially those who're insecure or naive and pretend not caring about it. Sometimes I think it's all down to what have we grown accustomed to value more (which is not something you could ask others to share without reactions).

For example, these polemic perspectives: that anyone who's not looking for things happening is not actually focused on something else, but just afraid of love. Or that people spending too much time alone must be because there are emotional issues, insecure attachment, lack of self esteem, or ageist arguments ("hey, dating is going to get uphill harder in your 30s/40s when most of the good matches are already taken").

Just in case, I'm not asking for my case or personal advice on how to act about it (it's more about how to interpret it). It's a pattern I notice that repeats in relationship forum boards, yet never comes with a clear answer to me about why it repeats over time.

 

[rtw]

Have you been single for a long time (say, at least 5 years)?

Do you think it has affected you in comparison with someone else who got another partner without being single for too long?

Also, if you got again into dating, do you think it affects? Like, does your potential partner raise negative concerns about it? Do you ever feel like you missed experiences, or are perceived as less mature?

I get the feeling many people say it doesn't (like, "it helped me learning to accept myself, become independent and not clingy"), yet it does for them, in a way. I'm not sure why, though. Hence I ask to see more detailed reasons, feelings, etc. about it.

This is a question I have frequently pondered over much of my adult life. I have never been one to 'date', instead relying on fallible instinct to act when my radar goes off. With only one date in the past eight years (and it was a doozy - a former high school crush after over 30 years), I sincerely wonder if I know what to look for should a romantic situation present itself. I find my ability to read a situation has either eroded, or is severely outdated (no pun intended). Social norms change, generations change, technology introduces people over distance without ability to express touch (the most vital of the senses for me), yet I suspect I am essentially frozen in ice like a fossil of times past, unable to adjust quickly enough to even be seen by those who have been 'out there.'

This could be a much longer response, but the topic hit close to home and it's only my first post.

Greetings.

 

[rtw]

Have you been single for a long time (say, at least 5 years)?

Do you think it has affected you in comparison with someone else who got another partner without being single for too long?

Also, if you got again into dating, do you think it affects? Like, does your potential partner raise negative concerns about it? Do you ever feel like you missed experiences, or are perceived as less mature?

I get the feeling many people say it doesn't (like, "it helped me learning to accept myself, become independent and not clingy"), yet it does for them, in a way. I'm not sure why, though. Hence I ask to see more detailed reasons, feelings, etc. about it.

This is a question I have frequently pondered over much of my adult life. I have never been one to 'date', instead relying on fallible instinct to act when my radar goes off. With only one date in the past eight years (and it was a doozy - a former high school crush after over 30 years), I sincerely wonder if I know what to look for should a romantic situation present itself. I find my ability to read a situation has either eroded, or is severely outdated (no pun intended). Social norms change, generations change, technology introduces people over distance without ability to express touch (the most vital of the senses for me), yet I suspect I am essentially frozen in ice like a fossil of times past, unable to adjust quickly enough to even be seen by those who have been 'out there.'

This could be a much longer response, but the topic hit close to home and it's only my first post.

Greetings.

 

[LostInTheForest]

This is a question I have frequently pondered over much of my adult life. I have never been one to 'date', instead relying on fallible instinct to act when my radar goes off. With only one date in the past eight years (and it was a doozy - a former high school crush after over 30 years), I sincerely wonder if I know what to look for should a romantic situation present itself. I find my ability to read a situation has either eroded, or is severely outdated (no pun intended). Social norms change, generations change, technology introduces people over distance without ability to express touch (the most vital of the senses for me), yet I suspect I am essentially frozen in ice like a fossil of times past, unable to adjust quickly enough to even be seen by those who have been 'out there.'

This could be a much longer response, but the topic hit close to home and it's only my first post.

Greetings.

I agree...although it rarely happens, I can feel it when I'm around someone special...it might just be the right mix of almost indescribable characteristics that creates that feeling and it leads me to think about that person. Unfortunately for me just walking up and striking meaningful conversation is a stumbling block I have yet to conquer...my mind just sort of goes blank. I'm middle aged, I've fallen deeply for 4 women in my lifetime, dated seldom...about once every 4 years or so...depends really. You would think online dating would be the ticket, but it creates unique challenges especially if you meet someone a significant distance away such as I've done. No, compared to most people I know...my dating life is screwed up. I've never been one to bounce from one relationship to another very fast. I suspect that a big reason for INFJ's being rare is in part due to natural selection!
The last woman I dated and still care about quite deeply was someone from work...in another department, but we bumped into each other once in awhile. It took everything I had to ask her out...I must have been quite a sight the way she looked at me. She thought it odd that I have no children...the opportunity just never presented itself. I suspect that she perceived me as being less mature...all this time and I don't really know what she thought about me...ah, well...I guess it's a moot point now. For me dating and creating a relationship has always been hard...and I don't really know what to do about it.