Being the spectator of my own life

I know how you feel, in nearly everything you describe, and I get like that at times as well.

However, seeing your life the way you describe is called "the observer" this is actually a very power posistion, and can lead to some of the greatest clarity you can get. It is actually rare and diffucalt to get to that point. That being said, constantly being in that state of mind is no fun. You have to learn to be connected, but I realise that is easier said then done.

Much in a Si/Se fashion. Take the time to just be one with your environment. Take a walk in nature, and just enjoy the sights, the sounds, the smells, the lights, all of it. Truly immerse yourself in it. It might take a while, but you will find yourself in a peaceful happy place once again, where things do matter, and where you do really care. It is a small thing, but it does help.

 

Does anhedonia sound like you?

 

really depends. Could be not anhedonia also. I'm also usually like this, but I also enjoy the world around me. Especially when I'm alone and doing the things I love or are with good friends. I really enjoy those. But other than those I'm like what you say. I also just constantly analyse everything that comes into my path.

 

I was very much like this at one point, and I'm working now to "reintegrate into myself" if that makes sense. I had a mild form of dissociative identity disorder, I think, and I dissociated "myself" from my own life experiences. In one particular poignant instance, I remember being in high school and getting scolded by my mom about something. The first thought that popped into my head was, "Man, this guy's really getting it!" - and then I realized that "this guy" was ME! I actually had a 3rd person perspective on the whole thing. This dissociation was the result of me trying to protect myself (my heart) from pain and disappointment. To that end I had partitioned off anything that could feel - hence the dissociation. To this day I have a very hard time attaching to people. And if a relationship starts slipping, I quickly adopt an "oh well" attitude and let it die. It's like I sever the connection on my end before I can be hurt by the loss.

 

It is the oddest feeling to be in that state of mine, so hard to describe how it feels. I almost sort of like it, but at the same time don't. I think I "like" it because it is such a different mindset then what I am used to.

 

This seems sort of sad. Are all INFJs who suffer relationship problems destined for something like this?

 

i've been in and out of that dissociative state for the last couple of months. one time, it actually felt like I was dead and just watching my body in the back seat of my friend's car. In my dreams, I end up taking a 3rd person perspective, watching my dream-self interact with others from outside the body.

sometimes i use a milder version of this state of mind to shut myself off emotionally when I just don't have the energy to deal with people, and then I kick myself at home for becoming the zombie i hate. It's an especially painful experience when I have to shut out close friends and family.

to counteract this I have to plan things like trips or projects. I'm trying to get better at this and maintain friendships that are getting battered from my need for withdrawal, but at the same time there's this unspoken fear of a dying connection between friends where you would rather just break it off and continue on alone. This happens to me after a long separation. I can't pick up most relationships where I left off without feeling disingenuous for not incorporating changes from the time spent apart. They haven't been updated on how you've developed and vice versa.

 

I'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LIKE THAT!!!!!!!
IN FACT, I LIVE TO PLAN FOR THE FUTURE ...... it's really hard because all i do is plan for the future and plan what i would do next to have what i want in the future that when i stop daydreaming and thinking about all these,

i would then realize that WOW.... this is boring..... this is nothing like WHAT I EXPECT IT TO BE...

like you're getting tired of THE NOW...... and yes I REALLY HATE THE DAILY ROUTINE.........
I HATE ROUTINES...i don't like to do things over and over again with the same plan and all

some say planning for the future is a life with meaning but then, it's not ALWAYS like that...
because i spend too much time planning for the future that i forget to deal with what i have now or what i'm experiencing now........

there's also a lack of surprise in my life..... i don't seem to enjoy it because i always count on the future, i always think that okay maybe now i'm like this but i wouldn't be next time

MAYBE BECAUSE I SEE THE FUTURE AS MY ESCAPE......

 

Good article: http://www.psychnet-uk.com/dsm_iv/depersonalization_disorder.htm

 

Heh. Nothing much surprises me either. Sometimes I will watch things unfold, and I'm unable to understand why some people just can't see how obvious their emotions, motives and actions all seem. I'm sick of always being the one saying, "I told you so." I wish someone would tell me that for a change.

But that's the whole irony of this thing, isn't it? As detached as I am, despite my objectivity, I can't seem to take my own advice because I would like to have some outside reassurance, but at the same time, don't trust anyone to have the same piercing insight that I do. How's that for an cognitive knot to untangle?

As for depersonalization/dissoaciation, I don't know if that's something I've ever experienced. I think I must have, but I can't tell you what I perceive to be a 'normal' perception of reality because I don't remember any other way of being.

I can say, however, that I definitely have trouble 'staying in the moment.' Time sneaks away from me a lot. It's been a long time since I've been able to experience the 'fullness of life' in a day.

Hmm...