Asking for advice: comes across as flattering or needy?

[INFJ16]

It's often seen as flattering when someone comes to you for advice, but there are also times when a person can come across as needy/helpless (and bothersome) in doing so. What circumstances cause you to perceive differently: what circumstances cause you to feel flattered vs. what circumstances cause you to view someone as needy and bothersome.

Is there some overlap? Or do you have a completely different reaction to people requesting your advice? How do you feel about asking people for advice?

 

[JJJA]

I like giving meaningful and practical advice to people that I can see are quite plainly struggling to cope with their own issues. There then comes a crucial moment in which such advice is used as a social tool to better acquaint myself with said person. This only occurs when they're genuinely struggling and need the advice from somebody they trust.

If it is somebody that persistently approaches me with even the trivial non-issues of life and expects me to be a machine programmed to give advice at the behest of the person, I will simply tell them to ask somebody else, as I think my time is being wasted on them.

 

[ThomasJ79]

I don't mind. I even like it if I think I can be helpful. However, if the person seems put off or fails to heed my advice and still suffers from the same problems, I will be less than enthused to help again.

 

[say what]

I think the type of advice that they're looking for can determine if it's seen as flattering and/or needy...but most of all, if they take your advice into consideration. It's needy when people continuously come back, asking for help with the same problem, having disregarded your previous advice and/or help!

 

[Solongo]

I find that most people just want to share and be understood more than seeking advice. Because of this I have stopped giving advice in person; unless the person specifically asks for it. On the internet; it is a little different because an opinion and perspective can be seen as advice; the same as just sharing a part of our lives can also be seen in advice perspective.

Those that come off as needy or helpless are usually not interested in advice and playing off the energy of being a victim and wanting to be saved. Those who really need the advice are often don't even ask for help and tend to stay quiet in their own problems.

Also, the biggest focus is on the advice giver; as giving advice can create symbiotic relationship based on many things. it could be ego based; feeling good for helping and guiding others and gaining validation through this effort. I see this as an ego perspective because to truly help someone is to simply be there and help them in their own journey without imposing our views or beliefs on them. Flattery would also fall under ego satisfaction; the feeling of being flattered for their perspective and advice and there is nothing wrong with it occasionally as long as the person is aware that they are not giving advice for the sake of feeling flattered.

I find that when others seek advice; it is a very respectful act. The individual respects the advice giver's opinion and perspective and see them as a source of guidance. The advice giver is then put in a position to really "guide" the individual or just spew opinions hoping it will help the person. There is a significant difference between the two as to how the advice giver sees and perceives their own advice as helping in pure intention or ego based for personal validation. Thus, the practice of asking for advice should be considered very carefully as well as the person; because most advice is useless unless the individual has experienced and learned from similar situation the advice seeker is trying to understand and learn from.

 

[INFJ16]

I find that most people just want to share and be understood more than seeking advice. Because of this I have stopped giving advice in person; unless the person specifically asks for it. On the internet; it is a little different because an opinion and perspective can be seen as advice; the same as just sharing a part of our lives can also be seen in advice perspective.

I've gotten myself into the habit of avoiding giving advice unless it's specifically asked for.
Even when asked for, I think the advice-giver should consider carefully whether or not they have something valuable to contribute rather than just saying whatever comes to mind since it was asked of them.

Those that come off as needy or helpless are usually not interested in advice and playing off the energy of being a victim and wanting to be saved. Those who really need the advice are often don't even ask for help and tend to stay quiet in their own problems.

This is a good point. I find that people who come across as needy or helpless in asking for advice tend to be the same people who don't listen to the advice/answers (@say what and [MENTION=6303]ThomasJ79[/MENTION] mentioned things similar); It's like creative venting.

Also, the biggest focus is on the advice giver; as giving advice can create symbiotic relationship based on many things. it could be ego based; feeling good for helping and guiding others and gaining validation through this effort. I see this as an ego perspective because to truly help someone is to simply be there and help them in their own journey without imposing our views or beliefs on them. Flattery would also fall under ego satisfaction; the feeling of being flattered for their perspective and advice and there is nothing wrong with it occasionally as long as the person is aware that they are not giving advice for the sake of feeling flattered.

I was hoping someone would point out the possible egoistic aspect of this.

I find that when others seek advice; it is a very respectful act. The individual respects the advice giver's opinion and perspective and see them as a source of guidance. The advice giver is then put in a position to really "guide" the individual or just spew opinions hoping it will help the person. There is a significant difference between the two as to how the advice giver sees and perceives their own advice as helping in pure intention or ego based for personal validation. Thus, the practice of asking for advice should be considered very carefully as well as the person; because most advice is useless unless the individual has experienced and learned from similar situation the advice seeker is trying to understand and learn from.

I like the idea that advice should be thought of more seriously. Especially if you're the type of person who feels the need to often give out advice whether warranted or not...the good intentions may well be there, but if you're not asked for advice or you have a genuine desire to help but not the appropriate mental contributions, more harm than good can come out of it.

 

[thirdhalf]

Depends on where the advice seeker is coming from. Seeking advice with the intention to use it and progress somewhere is a lot different then seeking advice for the sole purpose of getting attention. If a person is of a taking type of personality, where better to find heartfelt and very directed attention and concern then to ask a giving type of person for advice...

It is entirely possible that an advice seeker might be needy in the moment, there is not yet enough momentum for them to progress beyond the current issues but there is an intent to do so and I would say this is where the gray area is; having a needy person seeking advice could very well be flattering in this case. The intent of what to do with the advice on the part of the seeker I would argue is what determines where that line is drawn between flattery and needy.

 

[MrSquared]

It's often seen as flattering when someone comes to you for advice, but there are also times when a person can come across as needy/helpless (and bothersome) in doing so.

Yup. Happens all the time. I suspect that people in need of sympathy/compassion subconsciously pick up on the fact that I have Fe. -_-

What circumstances cause you to perceive differently: what circumstances cause you to feel flattered vs. what circumstances cause you to view someone as needy and bothersome.

For me personally, it really depends on who is approaching me with their concerns. For instance, if it's one of my super-close friends, and it's the first time that they've shared this particular concern with me. I'll usually listen whole heartedly and try not to interrupt with my immediate thoughts. I'll feel the need to be attentive and respectful of their expression (since they coming to me with a new topic, as well as potentially taking a risk on me by sharing their concerns).

If one of my more distant friends (or acquaintances) approaches me with a concern or problem, I initially attempt to treat them as if they were a close/personal friend. Primarily because they have not broken my trust previously and I have no former negative interactions with them. Thus, I try and "do unto others" in this situation, until they turn out to be needy, petty, or untrustworthy. After which I'll usually take steps to defend myself from their leech-like ways.

And finally, if I'm dealing with a known offender. The kind of person that asks for my advice but always does the opposite. I try and protect myself by constantly reminding myself that this person isn't trustworthy, considerate, or your equal in terms of maturity/understanding. Honestly, I have tons of former friends like this, the kind of people that gossip or create drama just to try and see my kind/considerate/attentive/analytical side. Truthfully, the more that they prove to be untrustworthy, the more I try and distance myself from them as a matter of self preservation. I wish them well, but I would not call them friends.

Is there some overlap? Or do you have a completely different reaction to people requesting your advice? How do you feel about asking people for advice?

I feel like I sometimes wear a mask when dealing with advice seekers. Especially if they have proven to be untrustworthy. There might appear to be tolerance on my part, but internally I'm reeling at the thought of having to listen to this person's problems for the next thirty minutes. So yea, I always continually aspire to protect myself from such people. Not to be the guy that always quotes Darcy, but yea...

I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.

 

[Erlian]

It's annoying when people ask you specifically for advice and then don't do anything with it.
Or if they just keep on ranting about the same thing forever.

But that never really happened and if someone would I'd give them honest feedback. So far it's always been flattering for me.

The other way around is more of a problem. Me asking others for advice. One friend told me after breakup that I could come to him to talk anytime. And I did. Too much. He had his own problems and never mentioned them (I didn't ask either). He kinda hated me for a while for always coming to him with my problems and he was afraid to tell me. He eventually did though. Our friendship is just fine again, but it never fully recovered

 

[cvp12gh5]

People often come to me for advice but I don't think I've ever been flattered by it. They just happen to know that I will give them honest and reasonable feedback.

If they are constantly creating problems for themselves and then come to me for advice on how to fix the issue, then it would be wise for them to keep their distance from me. You can't fix stupid.

But if someone has a genuine problem and needs real guidance, then I take it very seriously and I will help them through with the best advice possible. It would be well thought out with everything taken into consideration.

And I hardly ask anyone for advice. I usually work it out on my own.

 

[ShadowWarrior]

Intriguing question for sure. I love giving advice but I often find that many people are not looking for advice but just an ear. I see it as flattering when they want to talk about things but I think the first answer fits me the best. If they are constantly having issues about many non-important things than I can get old, the problem is I can be guilty of the same thing so I really try to remember that. They may seem needy but perhaps they just need to feel important and heard I guess...

 

[t56hg2bv]

I like giving meaningful and practical advice to people that I can see are quite plainly struggling to cope with their own issues. There then comes a crucial moment in which such advice is used as a social tool to better acquaint myself with said person. This only occurs when they're genuinely struggling and need the advice from somebody they trust.

If it is somebody that persistently approaches me with even the trivial non-issues of life and expects me to be a machine programmed to give advice at the behest of the person, I will simply tell them to ask somebody else, as I think my time is being wasted on them.

I agree, some people want you to make decisions for them. I'm like, do I look like I am so far advanced that I could throw a bone and make your life change by telling you what job to take or who to date?

Now, as a male, I've been asked, do I look fat in these jeans or this blouse?!? And instantly that is a dangerous situation. Babe, I love you for you. Do you want the truth, or do you want to feel good?

 

[t56hg2bv]

Yup. Happens all the time. I suspect that people in need of sympathy/compassion subconsciously pick up on the fact that I have Fe. -_-


For me personally, it really depends on who is approaching me with their concerns. For instance, if it's one of my super-close friends, and it's the first time that they've shared this particular concern with me. I'll usually listen whole heartedly and try not to interrupt with my immediate thoughts. I'll feel the need to be attentive and respectful of their expression (since they coming to me with a new topic, as well as potentially taking a risk on me by sharing their concerns).

If one of my more distant friends (or acquaintances) approaches me with a concern or problem, I initially attempt to treat them as if they were a close/personal friend. Primarily because they have not broken my trust previously and I have no former negative interactions with them. Thus, I try and "do unto others" in this situation, until they turn out to be needy, petty, or untrustworthy. After which I'll usually take steps to defend myself from their leech-like ways.

And finally, if I'm dealing with a known offender. The kind of person that asks for my advice but always does the opposite. I try and protect myself by constantly reminding myself that this person isn't trustworthy, considerate, or your equal in terms of maturity/understanding. Honestly, I have tons of former friends like this, the kind of people that gossip or create drama just to try and see my kind/considerate/attentive/analytical side. Truthfully, the more that they prove to be untrustworthy, the more I try and distance myself from them as a matter of self preservation. I wish them well, but I would not call them friends.


I feel like I sometimes wear a mask when dealing with advice seekers. Especially if they have proven to be untrustworthy. There might appear to be tolerance on my part, but internally I'm reeling at the thought of having to listen to this person's problems for the next thirty minutes. So yea, I always continually aspire to protect myself from such people. Not to be the guy that always quotes Darcy, but yea...

That's awesome, I love your perspective here. Trustworthy or leech!! If only they had a sign and we didn't have to read them completely in the moment. Not that motives aren't obvious at times but people are exceedingly good at manipulating to get want they want. If they just want attention then they will tell you what they need you to hear to get aforementioned attention from you. This is essentially stealing your energy so they can feel more energized.

On the other hand, known offenders show a pattern of behavior. If only we could know before the pattern that they were attention seeking rather than hurting and in need.

Should we turn off the spicket until they prove worthy or should we help people until they deem their self unworthy. OR, do we hide from them until we are ready to let them into the inner circle and then and only then do we allow them to receive assistance. I mean, do we help the emotional in need just like we do the physical (like those in 3rd world countries starving?) or do we just turn our backs and say, NOT YOU, NOT TODAY, SORRY!!!
Some people look in need but are not whereas others are in need and don't / won't tell you because they don't want pity. It's a conundrum!!

 

[Asa]

Hahaha - @FreeSp1r1t My husband will say, "Wear something nicer. I want to show you off." and, "YOU'RE NOT FAT!"

Giving advice is flattering if you know the person is listening, and values and respects your point of view. They don't have to follow my advice, because people will do what they want, but they should listen, and discuss their idea with me if they are asking for my help.

I have one friend who is a bit tiring to offer advice to, but I still do it because I know he respects me and values my opinion. He is manic, and all over the place with his ideas and feelings.

Giving advice is annoying when the person argues with me and shoots down everything I say, and it is clear that they simply want to suck someone dry for attention. You can usually tell who these people are by their overall behavior. If I have one conversation where I give a person many good options and they say 'no' to everything and act defeated and negative, I'm done. You can't help people who won't (or can't) help themselves.

Being grateful and saying 'thank you' goes a long way, even if they don't take my advice.

 

[Vigilance]

It's often seen as flattering when someone comes to you for advice, but there are also times when a person can come across as needy/helpless (and bothersome) in doing so. What circumstances cause you to perceive differently: what circumstances cause you to feel flattered vs. what circumstances cause you to view someone as needy and bothersome.

Is there some overlap? Or do you have a completely different reaction to people requesting your advice? How do you feel about asking people for advice?

I proceed to answer your question.

I usually welcome if someone asks me for advice on anything that I am familiar with. If I am not familiar with something, I still do my best to respond accordingly or do some research as well as think about the issue before giving a detailed response. Usually, I never view someone as needy when asking for advice. I will view you as needy if you constantly ask me for advice over the same thing time and time again.

There was this girl once who constantly asked for relationship advice every time, and she got pretty annoying. She wanted a whole "game-plan" of what to do, or what the guy's texts mean. I mean it was really bad. She would ask why he sent three smiley faces in a text, something like this, ( ). I would proceed to advice her not to overthink or that maybe he was just happy to talk to you. She would be like, 'what do I say?' I told her, " I don't know, but you need to relax and not think about what to say lol." Generally, when you think about what you say, you focus too much on that and can't really enjoy the present moment. This to me comes of as needy and not confident.

I feel great about giving advice. I mean you want my advice? Sure, I will give it to you. It makes me flattered. Like today one of my friends who just graduated from law school asked me if I would recommend him doing a Masters of Law in healthcare or energy law. Well, I gave him my opinions and how I generally felt on the subject.

You ask if there is a overlap. I find it hard to find an overlap. You either come across needy or you come across as someone, seeking general advice, what you term as the answering person as being 'flattered.' I rarely find someone comes across needy. I am very big on helping people. I think it is very hard for someone to come across as needy unless you are the kind of type, as mentioned above. I mean the girl, mentioned above, had good intentions, but she would overdue it to the point where she thought there was a definite answer to whether she had a chance with him or not. Look, I am not relation guru, so I will not touch this topic.

Thus, I am mostly flattered and rarely see someone as needy when they ask me for advice.

 

[James]

It's often seen as flattering when someone comes to you for advice, but there are also times when a person can come across as needy/helpless (and bothersome) in doing so. What circumstances cause you to perceive differently: what circumstances cause you to feel flattered vs. what circumstances cause you to view someone as needy and bothersome.

Is there some overlap? Or do you have a completely different reaction to people requesting your advice? How do you feel about asking people for advice?

I don't think either. People seek advice for various reasons, often I think they really want confirmation for a decision, they've already made. Or know they should make.

I "try" to avoid giving advice, apart from basic things. I think it's mostly better to try to prompt people to think through their options. People need to make their own decisions, empathy and support are good, but the choice is always for the individual imho.

 

[acd]

I like to try to direct people to their own inner voice. I think a lot of the time, we know the answer to our questions. Unless it is something knowledge based and practical.. then I offer my knowledge on the subject when asked.

 

[t56hg2bv]

I like to try to direct people to their own inner voice. I think a lot of the time, we know the answer to our questions. Unless it is something knowledge based and practical.. then I offer my knowledge on the subject when asked.

So, help them answer their own question!!! I like it. That's the way it should be; especially if we don't want to get blamed later.

 

[Asa]

There was this girl once who constantly asked for relationship advice every time, and she got pretty annoying. She wanted a whole "game-plan" of what to do, or what the guy's texts mean. I mean it was really bad. She would ask why he sent three smiley faces in a text, something like this, ( ). I would proceed to advice her not to overthink or that maybe he was just happy to talk to you. She would be like, 'what do I say?' I told her, " I don't know, but you need to relax and not think about what to say lol." Generally, when you think about what you say, you focus too much on that and can't really enjoy the present moment. This to me comes of as needy and not confident.

Hahahaha! That's definitely needy and annoying. I am not good at tolerating people like that.
I try to get them to stop bothering me, while trying to boost their confidence.

 

[Vigilance]

Hahahaha! That's definitely needy and annoying. I am not good at tolerating people like that.
I try to get them to stop bothering me, while trying to boost their confidence.

Yeah, maybe she was just attention whoring. It's not uncommon for young women to do this. Plus, you shouldn't need to boost someone else's confidence. Their confidence has no correlation with yours. It's their problem their not confident, not yours. Generally, if someone is not confident, but the other person is, they may start feeling confident themselves. Thus, I don't try to boost anyone's confidence lol. Not my issue to deal with.