Are your relatives the most likely to be jealous of you?

[Artemisia]

I find that whenever I get a promotion in my career or get recognition, my relatives are usually the ones who don´t congratulate me and try to diminish my accomplishment. Recently I got my first lectureship at a university, a big deal these days with academic jobs being scarce and the competition fierce.
It doesn´t help that most of my relatives have blue collar jobs or are otherwise can´t move up the career ladder.

I thought relatives were supposed to support you and be happy for you. I certainly am and show it when one of my relatives achieves something. Do I just have weird relatives or is this common in your family as well?

 

[Ren]

By virtue of being so close to you, given blood ties, I think relatives are the most likely to feel strongly about what you do and achieve.

Usually relatives feel very proud in these circumstances, though... I think feeling jealous ought to be the exception, though it's possible. Do you think there is any chance you might (unconsciously) make them feel inferior? This might be an explanation, though I'm not sure. From my experience, the mere fact of having a doctorate can be pretty intimidating to a lot of people. We PhD holders don't realize this, but it's true.

 

[Asa]

It depends on the family.

Like Ren said, you could be making them feel inferior. Family dynamics vary with each family, though.

My family underplays my achievements, but it is because my achievements aren't a big deal to them. They're more concerned that I am happy and behave properly within the family. If I tell them I had a big job with a big company they will say something like, "That's nice. How is (your husband)? How is his job?" (Sidenote: My parents' life plan for me was to marry well, not to have a career.)

My father was very supportive of my writing until I got published. His novel was rejected around the same age, so I achieved a life goal he did not. He never read my book, and all conversations about writing ended. That is the only time any family member has behaved jealously toward me. (I'm assuming that is the cause of his behavior.) It killed to have a person who was so deeply connected to my interest in writing and literature pretend none of it ever happened. I'm over it now. I can even laugh about it now.

When families react this way about your success, it gives you greater freedom to follow the path you want to follow.

 

[Artemisia]

Wow, Asa, it must have really hurt to have your dad envy you like that. It seems that our success is a reminder of others´ failure.
You are probably right about them feeling inferior, Ren. But then again, anyone not in a career position would probably feel inferior if they were not successful. It is similar to how a lot of single women and men feel inferior when they meet coupled friends or relatives. If they put a high value on career or relationships and they are not successful in one or both, they are bound to feel inferior. I have single female friends who don´t like hanging out with me now that I am in a good relationship.

 

[Asa]

If they put a high value on career or relationships and they are not successful in one or both, they are bound to feel inferior.

I agree that it is about how they view themselves compared to what they value. It doesn't have much to do with you. I assume you're not bragging and being an ass about your achievements, but simply letting people know, of course... haha... but if they aren't acting happy for you, they're probably not happy about themselves.

I'm sorry about your friends who don't know how to be friends with people in relationships, too. That sucks.

 

[Happy Phantom]

Hmm... I think my mother has been and still is at times. Her life didn’t pan out as she expected it would, but that happens to many of us. I also think people who can’t stay out of my business tend to feel jealous Bc they assume based on social media pics and videos of concerts I have attended that I have the perfect life. I don’t go out of my way to make it that way, but yeah since I am now divorced I am allowed to go to concerts and do fun things with my kids and ID. You too can get divorced and have fun again as well! People... pfft.

 

[Misadventure]

Sometimes people with a higher education can have this haughty attitude and inadvertently be demeaning to those not academically successful, which can cause them to be resentful of your attitude towards them and not necessarily your accomplishments. By the same token those who are more accomplished in other areas of life can act in the same way.

 

[Pin]

I doubt it, the work I do ain't easy. I've not even reaped the rewards yet. I wake up pretty early and often leave late. Maybe I am envied by the aimless.

 

[infinite dreams]

I don't believe I've ever experienced this, but then I have a very small family and I barely communicate with extended family anymore at all. That said, I'm pretty sure everyone I'm related to is fairly up to date on the notion that no one's life is perfect and that we all have things that make us happy and other things that make us miserable. I can't imagine any of us want to trade places. We seem to all have approximately what we want.

This is probably more of a thing in families with a bunch of siblings, especially ones around the same age. My sister and I are 10 years apart so there wasn't much reason for jealousy to take root.

 

[Happy Phantom]

I think parents who are envious of their own children are pieces of shit.

 

[Pin]

I think parents who are envious of their own children are pieces of shit.

Well... Yes & No.

Here's my inverted function (ISFP) empathy moment.

It's human-nature that they feel that way if they worked to provide better opportunities for their kids. Could you imagine what Tattered Tom could have accomplished if he weren't burdened by poverty? They can't help their f-f-feelings.

 

[Asa]

I think parents who are envious of their own children are pieces of shit.

If that is the general attitude a parent has about a child, I agree. If the jealousy is about something specific, it can be about the parent facing one's own failures and/or shortcomings.

 

[infinite dreams]

Well... Yes & No.

Here's my inverted function (ISFP) empathy moment.

It's human-nature that they feel that way if they worked to provide better opportunities for their kids. Could you imagine what Tattered Tom could have accomplished if he weren't burdened by poverty? They can't help their f-f-feelings.

I don't quite grok what you're trying to say here. I also can't quite tell if you're being sarcastic, so bear with me.

Do you mean that parents are justified in feeling jealous of their children because of the better opportunities that their own hard work set up for them?

If so, then generally speaking I don't sympathize with them. I don't have children of my own, but isn't it like the Parents Prime Directive to make a better life for your kids than you had yourself?

If that is the general attitude a parent has about a child, I agree. If the jealousy is about something specific, it can be about the parent facing one's own failures and/or shortcomings.

I still don't see how that reasonably manifests into jealousy.

One may as well shake their fist at God that they weren't born into better circumstances. Makes about as much sense.

 

[pzl2lxie81mc]

No

 

[Wyote]

One may as well shake their fist at God that they weren't born into better circumstances.

I think it's a natural feeling when you see people in better circumstances, which is most people because there are always higher tiers. If you really are a Rothschild or DuPont or something, it makes me wonder how they feel, but I think everything just becomes a game (out of boredom) with others that are on similar footing.

 

[Asa]

I still don't see how that reasonably manifests into jealousy.

One may as well shake their fist at God that they weren't born into better circumstances. Makes about as much sense.

In my personal case, I don't know if my father was jealous, but there was definitely something going on that caused him to have major issues with the topic of writing and books after I got published. He would pretend he didn't hear me and pretend he had amnesia if the general topic of writing and books ever came up. (This behavior applied to my writing as well, my I quickly stopped mentioning it.) Considering he was an English Lit teacher, and we had spent our entire lives discussing literature, this was odd. It took me years to stop feeling hurt. I don't care now, but I still need to analyze it. My father is a kind person who always treated me well, otherwise.

 

[infinite dreams]

I think it's a natural feeling when you see people in better circumstances, which is most people because there are always higher tiers. If you really are a Rothschild or DuPont or something, it makes me wonder how they feel, but I think everything just becomes a game (out of boredom) with others that are on similar footing.

I guess it’s a natural response. I used to waste a lot of time being jealous of strangers but it’s been ages since I did that. As fucked up as I am in a lot of ways, I really have no desire to be anyone else and my circumstances are mostly what I’ve made of them.

I guess the only thing I’m still a little jealous of (speaking of family relations) are people who had sensible parents growing up. No matter what the other circumstances you run into, a healthy early childhood gives one an advantage.

 

[infinite dreams]

In my personal case, I don't know if my father was jealous, but there was definitely something going on that caused him to have major issues with the topic of writing and books after I got published. He would pretend he didn't hear me and pretend he had amnesia if the general topic of writing and books ever came up. (This behavior applied to my writing as well, my I quickly stopped mentioning it.) Considering he was an English Lit teacher, and we had spent our entire lives discussing literature, this was odd. It took me years to stop feeling hurt. I don't care now, but I still need to analyze it. My father is a kind person who always treated me well, otherwise.

That’s...weird. I can understand how he might be upset or frustrated with himself for not fulfilling his potential or for lacking gifts evident in others; I can’t understand why he would hold your ability and success out as something to be envied. Guess it’s just one of those differences in people. I’m sure there’s plenty of bullshit I get wound up about that he would shrug at.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

@Artemisia Are you from a working class background, Artemisia?

I've experienced something like this and I think it has to do with the value 'society' places on the blue collar/white collar distinction and the attitudinal stance your blue collar-working relatives take towards this for the sake of their own egos (and I say this in a sympathetic way towards them).

My brother (who is 12 years older than me and with a different father) reacted dismissively or passively to my academic achievements because I think to him 'real work' is much more valuable. He's doing the same to his 16-year-old son now, trying to force him into his own trade rather than seeing the value of further education.

When I was younger, however, and gearing up for a career in the army, he was much more enthusiastic. I think it just had to do with his value system. Military service is ranked higher than academia, which is ranked nowhere.

My niece (who is the same age as me, because my sister had her young) also used to say things like 'just writing all day, that's easy', as if it isn't real work. She happens to have very underdeveloped writing skills. Now she is a very successful beautician and is a lot more supportive of my academics, because I think she's differentiated herself sufficiently.

I think jealousy is typically manifested in areas of deficiency rather than strength, until an area of strength is sufficiently well-developed to transform the jealousy into admiration.

For example, I admire people who are naturally social, whereas I might have been jealous of them in the past. Now I'm comfortable with socialising in my way (long & deep discussions with 1 friend at a time, typically), I don't see myself as 'deficient' and can admire people with much greater social skills with nothing but positive feelings towards them.

I think if someone sees themselves as deficient in one aspect, it makes sense to denigrate the value of that aspect in order to preserve the ego. This seems only to be necessary, however, if the ego is sufficiently fragile in the first place (as others have mentioned with examples).

 

[Tin Man]

Hm, unfortunately I've experienced this quite a bit.

I was kind of a black sheep in my extended family. I was the weirdo who always had trouble maintaining relationships, jobs, etc. So, other family members could think "well at least my son/daughter didn't turn out like him." But then when I achieved some bit of success, I saw so much jealousy from them. Even my older brother is jealous of the few achievements I've had. Which seems especially petty, considering I was almost living on the street, when he was nearly making 6 figures at the time our the economic boom.

It sucks. You'd think these people would be happy, but instead they were glad to see me fail. Of course that's not everyone in my family. There are still plenty who are genuinely happy to see me succeed. They're the only ones I really keep in contact with anymore.