Are INFJs capable of non-super-intense friendships?

[ivagrey]

Is it possible for INFJs to have satisfying friendships without getting deep and intense? And how the hell do you do it?

I recently lost one of the two good friends I had in the world (she's an ENFP and flaked out on me one too many times so I shut her out after I told her what I needed and she couldn't give it to me). I realize now my expectations were way too high and I wasn't appreciating the good things we did have together.

Anyway now I'm making some new friends and I'm at the stage with one (an ESFP) where I am feeling a good level of trust and mutual understanding. Any advice on how I can chill out and just have a moderate-intensity relationship with this person? I'm already getting jealous of his attention, which is ridiculous, I know. Am I just doomed to feel this way? All the advice I see is "just relax," but when I feel that intense connection with someone that to me equals deep friendship, it seems impossible. I want them to know how much I like them and I want to know they like me just as much.

 

[Bikerdelic]

Only the best types of people truly understand an INFJ person and such people are rare and are probably INFP'S anyway, most people I believe are either too shallow in their thinking or too egotistical to get along with. But try to remember to go easy on most folk, and you won't get into any problems.
Are deep intense relationships possible today in the modern world?, I doubt it is possible for us men, as I feel that our western society suffers from much narcissism and too much bias on being Extrovert, whilst quietly discriminating against introverts. True friendship should be based on mutual respect, something sadly that a lot of modern people have no concept of, belonging to the "Me me " culture.
But I am lucky to have one great friend who is extrovert, but we've known each other for over twenty years, and he is more a brother to me than a friend, but he's one of my Biking friends (Motorcycle) so that might explain something. Hope you meet some good friends.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

Sounds like you tend to get a little too attached. I mean, a strong connection is great. That's what i like about friendships. But if your friend feels you are putting restrictions on him/her than s/he will probably be deterred. I meant the jealousy you feel. I suggest working on yourself (meditating, psychologist, whatever works for you) on your possessiveness.

 

[LifesWonderer]

Yes and no *notes an exemplar link: http://friendship.about.com/od/Types_of_Friendships/tp/Stages-Of-Friendship.htm*, personally I hope people will become more than 'activity buddies' or colleagues but know there is often not enough in common to make this a reality... At times the old wise soul 'elder-mentor' dynamic can occur in some of my connections, for example in study life or in situations where I am prone to leading and organising people towards better productivity (noticing how my intellectual discussion style can paint me as 'the expert' to someone elses trainee-learner needs ).

In all my years I have only truly had 2-3 deep or close friendships, the rest have been mutually beneficial, people seeking to belong, narrow focussed with little in common or all too often right people, right place, right time socialising... much of this has been due to gender socialising styles of 'depth', maturing too fast due to life traumas and not really trusting people to know my narrative (and knowing more about adult life as the psuedo parent-therapist type).

 

[Mary Shelley]

I'm too intense about everything. Usually people find this exhausting. Those who don't often end up crushing and then needing to be away from me when I don't return those feelings.

I guess I end up feeling somewhat black and white about it, which is unusual for me. Casual friends feel like only acquaintances if they don't grow into deep friendships. So, sometimes some of these people I consider only acquaintances say things that indicate they consider us to be closer friends. It's confusing to me since they don't really seem to want more if they are capable of more.

 

[ThomasJ79]

I'm alright with being a little shallow or less intense at first. I've learned from past experiences that revealing too much about myself or sharing my emotions too soon can scare away potential friends. But, if I'm to consider someone a friend, we have to be able to dive into deep waters at some point, or else they will probably remain more of an acquaintance to me.

 

[christmas]

for me, i really don't think it's possible to have a satisfying friendship if it's not intimate and deep.

being this way definitely has its downside, but if i look at the quality of the relationships that i do have, i feel better about myself. i don't want to change my modus operandi and force myself to make a bunch of casual friends.

 

[Solongo]

Is it possible for INFJs to have satisfying friendships without getting deep and intense? And how the hell do you do it?

I recently lost one of the two good friends I had in the world (she's an ENFP and flaked out on me one too many times so I shut her out after I told her what I needed and she couldn't give it to me). I realize now my expectations were way too high and I wasn't appreciating the good things we did have together.

Anyway now I'm making some new friends and I'm at the stage with one (an ESFP) where I am feeling a good level of trust and mutual understanding. Any advice on how I can chill out and just have a moderate-intensity relationship with this person? I'm already getting jealous of his attention, which is ridiculous, I know. Am I just doomed to feel this way? All the advice I see is "just relax," but when I feel that intense connection with someone that to me equals deep friendship, it seems impossible. I want them to know how much I like them and I want to know they like me just as much.

I personally chose never to lower my high expectations when it comes to friends; especially close friends. It's part of your integrity and it forces those who value you to operate on a level that is appropriate for INFJs. It's the same concept as "people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you."

If you choose to lower your standards; instinctivelly you will always be bothered by the way you will be treated which will most likely not reach your satisfaction. On the other hand if you maintain your high expectations you will attract those who operate on the same wavelength; but the threat of being alone is higher because people who can appreciate your high level of expectation will be rare. But when you do find them; it is a beautiful experience worth waiting for. Younger INFJs tend to feel "guilty" because of the inner high expectations and I think it is such a wasted emotion to feel guilty for something we internally put a high value on.

 

[KuroShiro]

Its how we are, quality of friends is better than quantity of friends anyways. For me simply mundane friendships are futile because i'm sitting there contemplating all the possible things that i REALLY want to talk about with a person. Although from a different perspective "not so intense" relationships are great for simple laughs and common talk, and a general like for socializing. I am not extroverted as i keep a deeper layer of my feeling reserved for my most trustworthy of companions.s

 

[Trifoilum]

I think the analogy is asking "can you survive eating things aside from your favorite foods?" -- which is yes, no, and everything in between
So. Yes and no and everything in between...I think it depends on how you define friendships.

If your definition of friendship is the extremely intimate, intense kind where you shared all your scars, inner workings, inner demons, dreams and hopes and traumas WITHOUT getting drowned and/or burdened;
the answer would be different than if you're defining friendship as good feelings and a feeling of simple, if shallow, companionship
Or if you're defining friendship as mutually beneficial relationship when you both get things from each other
Or if you're defining friendship as a circumstantial camaraderie where the most important thing is to enjoy doing activities with each other..

Again, depending on how you see friendship and how do you want your life to be (do you want different types of friendship? Or do you want your friendships to be of one kind?), I think it depends. I personally am finding trouble with non-intense friendships-- at certain times it felt shallow, even if it is enjoyable; not to mention the boundaries are different depending on each people and their relationships.