anyone else ever want to love someone but couldn't/didn't?

elect locution

elect locution

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
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I have a friend who is a great girl who has great values and would make a great partner. She is very physically attractive too. Girls say we'd be cute together and one of my bros has said she'd be good for me. I suspect she may like me now.

Unfortunately, I'm just not attracted to her personality. She is a thoughtful person and she has her own kind of depth, but she isn't a great partner for my preferred conversational style.

For me, people all roughly fall into one of three (crude) categories:
1. People whom I don't know how to talk to at all, who drain me terribly to talk to, whom I am quite awkward around.
2. People whom I can adapt my conversational style to and be chummy or even good friends with.
3. People, extremely few and far between, who are truly on the same conversational/cognitive wavelength as me--with whom conversations are always stimulating, rewarding, and hilarious.

This girl falls into category 2. I can't bring myself to initiate dates with anyone except those in category 3--thus I've been (generally contentedly) single for several years. People in categories 2 and even 1 have liked me I think because I can, at least temporarily, speak their conversational style, but I can't feel romantically for them.

I trust my instincts so I'm very likely going to let this one pass me by, but I know from experience and from MBTI that I (INFJ) can be over-idealistic with romance. Does this sound like a case of excessive idealism or just honest lack of chemistry to you? I'd greatly appreciate your thoughts and criticisms!
Anyone else have similar experiences they'd care to share?

Cheers!

[edit]: Sorry for the slightly misleading title--my thoughts developed a bit during the course of my writing and I didn't notice the discrepancy xP.
 
Been there friend, whatever you do, dont make my mistake and start fucking her. :/
 
I think it is easy to understand the difference between:
I have feelings for someone but don't want to say something to ruin the friendship

And
People say we would be good together and I guess it might be true.

You know when you know. I think it is the idealistic INFJ inside you that makes you think just because she has all these great traits and is accessible to you that you SHOULD be attracted to her. LIke fate has put you in her path and you are denying the gods for not wanting her.
 
Sometimes I wonder how much I would differ depending on what types of people I hung out with the most (not all by choice, ie. co-workers). Too, I'm always surprised when that rare person comes along, who has the key that can unlock a part of me that I never knew, or forgot existed, and I change. But, in the end, you can't force chemistry. It forces you.
 
Trust your INFJ instincts (unless they've been habitually wrong, which I doubt :p). From my perspective, it seems as though you just lack chemistry with that girl, for whatever reason. I wouldn't consider that undue idealism, but more likely a lack of connection. Only be concerned if this situation seems to repeatedly present itself with girls in the future.

I've had a similar situation, myself. A guy who seemed to, on paper, reflect the kind of person I'd be into was interested in me at some point. He was extremely intelligent, was an honest and engaging conversationalist, had his shit together, had a moral compass akin to my own, and was decent looking as well. I'm still a little puzzled as to why I never felt anything for him further than friendship. We didn't connect romantically for some reason that I can't articulate, and at the end of the day, I just accepted that.
 
If you don't want it, you don't want it. From what I'm reading, you're only reconsidering it because other people say you should, which in the end really means nothing. If you want to try it; go for it. If you don't, then don't.
 
Thanks very much, everyone. There is a lot of pressure from society/peers to be in a relationship so your words have been very reassuring. Got to be true to your(my)self :)
 
One of the biggest problems for INFJs are how we strive for the "perfect" relationship, and when we don't get it, we flee. I was like you in high school (and currently the same in college): every girl I came into contact with ended up liking me because I was "different" from other guys--as most INFJ males are--but none of them interested me on the romantic level. And I don't feel the need to date someone whom I don't feel will end eventually.

To be honest, I have yet to find an answer haha, but I don't really feel like I need one, either. Right now I like being the guy who is there for everyone--even if I have to sacrifice myself. If you ever need to take, you can always message. :]
 
I have been in a similar situation as you.

You will need to be especially aware if a supposed "perfect match" on the surface, starts to become attracted to or have feelings for you. There is really no way around the limitations of the chemistry that is kind of crucial during the first stages of a relationship, as much as you might try to make it work, and I would trust my intuition with this sort of thing. It'd be better to just cut things off once this becomes apparent, rather than dragging it out and potentially causing more hurt and complications, in my opinion.
 
Can't and shouldn't force it.
Better to be clear from the moment you know you aren't into her.
 
elect locution said:
I have a friend who is a great girl who has great values and would make a great partner. She is very physically attractive too. Girls say we'd be cute together and one of my bros has said she'd be good for me. I suspect she may like me now.

Unfortunately, I'm just not attracted to her personality. She is a thoughtful person and she has her own kind of depth, but she isn't a great partner for my preferred conversational style.

For me, people all roughly fall into one of three (crude) categories:
1. People whom I don't know how to talk to at all, who drain me terribly to talk to, whom I am quite awkward around.
2. People whom I can adapt my conversational style to and be chummy or even good friends with.
3. People, extremely few and far between, who are truly on the same conversational/cognitive wavelength as me--with whom conversations are always stimulating, rewarding, and hilarious.

This girl falls into category 2. I can't bring myself to initiate dates with anyone except those in category 3--thus I've been (generally contentedly) single for several years. People in categories 2 and even 1 have liked me I think because I can, at least temporarily, speak their conversational style, but I can't feel romantically for them.

I trust my instincts so I'm very likely going to let this one pass me by, but I know from experience and from MBTI that I (INFJ) can be over-idealistic with romance. Does this sound like a case of excessive idealism or just honest lack of chemistry to you? I'd greatly appreciate your thoughts and criticisms!
Anyone else have similar experiences they'd care to share?

Cheers!

[edit]: Sorry for the slightly misleading title--my thoughts developed a bit during the course of my writing and I didn't notice the discrepancy xP.
Click to expand...

Communication styles don't seem as important as having similar views/values/ideals/goals. If you both fundamentally agree on your life goals (whether you do, or not isn't clear) - I think the different communication style may be a good thing in terms of keeping a sense of distinct individuality.
 
Honest lack of chemistry! And do yourself a favor, and the girl as well, and don't even go there. Being single will not kill you, you know, despite what loving friends might think -- nothing wrong with singleness whatsoever. Either you have chemistry or you don't... There are different kinds of relationships, and I suppose a relationship based more on calm affection than chemistry/passion can definitely be fulfilling, but at the beginning if you don't have the chemistry, you never will. At least if you insist on going there, do it as openly and honestly as you possibly can. Possibly get it in writing. Signed and notarized.
 
I would hold out only for someone you feel a #3 connection with....
 
I have to ask-- if there are women (I'm guessing 'girls' is more appropriate considering what I'm assuming to be your age) out there who you connect with so deeply, why are you not with them right now??
 
Apone said:
I have to ask-- if there are women (I'm guessing 'girls' is more appropriate considering what I'm assuming to be your age) out there who you connect with so deeply, why are you not with them right now??
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A fair question. I'll preface by saying that I am very cognizant about keeping my expectations in check and not being someone who is waiting for an unattainable ideal. Proximity, attraction, chemistry, and mutuality of feeling--I have female friends who satisfy any 2 or 3 of these, but no women all four. The current plan is to move to a metropolitanopolis in a few years and by sheer numbers that should solve most of those issues I think :).
 
I have been on the other side of this dilemma several times. It sucks but if the mutual feelings are not there, they are not there. Things can happen, and perhaps you might develop a romantic interest for her later down the road but I would not force anything. That would only wind up hurting you both.
 
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