An intense crush don't know how to handle

[lostENTP]

Hi all,

I talked about my situation in another thread but as it became a bit weird cause the topic diverted a lot I decided to create a new one to update my situation. In summary, I'm an ENFJ and have an intense crush on an INFJ, we are both married, I don't know his marital situation but I guess he's happy, I'm also relatively happy in my marital life, but is not perfect, we have up and downs and a relatively poor sexual life due to stress and maybe tiredness but I guess this is typical in long-term marriages so I can live with it....or at least I could until I found my INFJ....

He´s amazing, I have the feeling we have a deep connection, he´s super nice and warm with me, he gazes at me secretly and sometimes I catch him and we both smile, he makes me pictures secretly when we are together and then sends them to me, we laugh together, we have the same sense of humor, we deeply understand others behaviors and we speak to each other just with a look, he´s sweet, I know he likes me, deep in my gut I know he might have something like a crush on me also, but we work together and we respect each other so much.

The thing is that sometimes I have the feeling I cant handle this situation anymore, I dream we are together, I dream we make love and live a beautiful life, and I'm always daydreaming of us together. Sometimes I think I should leave my job to escape from this, but I love it, and I'm very good at it and I don't want to leave it just because I'm risking my emotional life. But I can't get rid of this feeling...never felt this way before, Am I in love, or is it just a crush? What should I do? How can I forget the feelings that I have?

 

[mintoots]

How can I forget the feelings that I have?

Think of the people that you love who would be damaged by this if it should escalate. If it's still worth hurting them, then perhaps there's more for you to think about.

In my humble opinion, profound connection is not just about the thrills but of the whole willingness within you to choose them in spite of exciting or "deep" temptations.

 

[lostENTP]

Think of the people that you love who would be damaged by this if it should escalate. If it's still worth hurting them, then perhaps there's more for you to think about.

In my humble opinion, profound connection is not just about the thrills but of the whole willingness within you to choose them in spite of exciting or "deep" temptations.

I am a victim and an executioner, but I know that nothing will ever happen between us because we love other people too much and we would never hurt them, even so, I suffer because in some way I want to free myself from my emotions and block them, but on the other hand, I enjoy this intense feeling that seems uncontrollable and that allows me to dream.

 

[mintoots]

I am a victim and an executioner

I'm not sure what you mean by this, but I hope you are well.

, I suffer because in some way I want to free myself from my emotions and block them, but on the other hand, I enjoy this intense feeling that seems uncontrollable and that allows me to dream.

I would agree that yes we tend to create our own sufferings at times. I surely do the same. Ironically, that also means that the very freedom from that suffering shall come from our own volition as well.

I wish you peace as you go on about this. May you be guided by the values that you deeply hold dear.

 

[lostENTP]

I wish you peace as you go on about this. May you be guided by the values that you deeply hold dear.

It means nothing very serious, it's just that sometimes I'm a little bit dramatic, what I mean is that I feel like a victim of the crush cause it seems to come out of the blue and I can't control it but at the same time I feel guilty about it...is a complex mix of feelings...

I wish you peace as you go on about this. May you be guided by the values that you deeply hold dear.

These are very wise and sensitive words, thank you so much mintoots, you INFJs are incredible creatures.

 

[Elder]

Am I in love, or is it just a crush? What should I do? How can I forget the feelings that I have?

I think you clearly have intense feelings of attraction and connection. I think that love is something different. I think the feelings and attraction are a component, and then there is choice. Where are you choosing to direct your energy?

I think at this point you are allowing your feelings to run the show. If you and the other truly will make no other choice of relationship, this choice is a very costly one.

You may not be leaving your partner physically, but it sounds like you are emotionally.

I absolutely can appreciate having needs unfulfilled within an intimate relationship and feeling drawn to places where they feel met outside the relationship.

I wonder if what you are drawn to in this other is actually a representation of something you already possess within you, but you have not yet built an internal relationship with.

My advice would be to focus your attention on your partner. Even to the point of naming your commitment to your partner and saying aloud why you chose this partner. That begins to channel your attention where it sounds like you intend it to be. I believe you may be surprised at how much power you have over your feelings by what you feed them.

I would also recommend looking inward. I strongly suspect all you find so attractive in this other is actually already within you. See if you can find that part of you.

I feel the angst you are wrestling with and it won't be easy to turn the tide. Yet, I believe if you choose to, you have that power.

 

[John K]

@lostENTP you don’t say very much about yourself. Do you or your friend have children for instance? Do you know how he actually feels about you?

It sounds like your home life has become routine and grey, and you crave deeper and more exciting affection. This happens to most of us in long term relationships. I agree with @Elder that a good way out is to seek it with your partner. For example, try giving him the romantic excitement and attention that you crave for yourself - it might fan his flames alight again. Talk to him and tell him what you want - don’t assume he knows. Explore new things with him, things that you’d both enjoy. Take some risks together!

You say that you and your partner are too tired and stressed to put work into your relationship. This again is something a lot of us drift into over the years. You both should talk about it and change your priorities if you can, to give each other the love and affection you both need to be healthy. It’s very unlikely that exploring a relationship with your INFJ would help with your stress - it’s more likely to send it even higher if it were to go anywhere.

 

[mintoots]

Excuse me Maams and Sir. Just dropping a soundtrack.

 

[lostENTP]

Excuse me Maams and Sir. Just dropping a soundtrack.

 

[Wyote]

The thing is that sometimes I have the feeling I cant handle this situation anymore, I dream we are together, I dream we make love and live a beautiful life, and I'm always daydreaming of us together. Sometimes I think I should leave my job to escape from this, but I love it, and I'm very good at it and I don't want to leave it just because I'm risking my emotional life. But I can't get rid of this feeling...never felt this way before, Am I in love, or is it just a crush? What should I do? How can I forget the feelings that I have?

You can daydream all you want but eventually reality will catch up to you.
You have to decide if the consequences of whatever actions you take to change your reality and theirs are worth the difficulties.

Relationships always seem easy at the front end because they are.
You aren't tied to anything except for your own imagination.

This guy is an INFJ so he's lazy as fuck (comparatively), oblivious to a lot of things (won't know wtf to do in situations), emotionally erratic (confusing) etc.
Once you see the reality of who he is you can make better informed decisions.
And maybe the decision is towards him, who can say really.
But right now you are just living in limbo, which isn't good for anyone involved.

 

[aeon]

Remember, we become what we expose ourselves to.

Daydream too much, and you will become like the aether, insubstantial, untethered, and unable to be fully present to your own life.

Project too much, and the world will become as golden, each and every lustrous and present for your choice of indulgences.

Persist in a state of unmet need, and the part of you that is essential will wither, and bear a bitter fruit.

Toy with your own heart, because it feels so very good in the moment, and your heart will harden, become as stone, and be both unbreakable and brittle.

Your brain is clever and crafty, and it will try to protect you. Your heart is dumb and slow, and it can be played with. Do not do this. Make neither the master, but instead partners, and they will serve you well.

Whether you know it or not, you are playing a game that has a cost, and that cost is dear.

Best to You,
Ian

 

[David Nelson]

You said you are ENFJ but your name says ENTP. ENTP get on well with INFJ.

This predicament is exactly one example of what caused me to create a thread called ‘rethinking intimate relationships’ which was kind of like allowing open relationships. Maybe it’s something for the future, I don’t think most people are ready yet, if ever. Is it possible to love but also not feel jealous? Many have flings with probably varying amounts of guilt to live with after. Imagine a couple agreeing to allow each other to have a fling?

I totally get your wanting to keep the feelings alive. Those feelings of connection and excitement are what life is for. It’s a shame so often in life we have to choose between compromise and compromise. Trying to have your cake and eat it of course often goes pear shaped, or has unintended consequences, but I’m sure many have had secret affairs without regret. I wish you the best. No easy answers here.

 

[aeon]

Is it possible to love but also not feel jealous?

Absolutely, inasmuch as jealousy is born of insecurity.

Imagine a couple agreeing to allow each other to have a fling?

I’ve known a couple of such couples, one married, the other not, who went about things in just that way.

Trying to have your cake and eat it of course often goes pear shaped, or has unintended consequences, but I’m sure many have had secret affairs without regret.

How unfortunate, to have such callous disregard for others, as well as no regard for giving false witness. Why not choose honesty? It respects everyone involved, and one has no secret(s) to keep.

One can have one’s cake and eat it too, and there is no need to hide one’s joy and pleasure in life. Be straightforward, and don’t be a treacherous POS. Consent in all things as the minimum standard is a fine way to go.

Cheers,
Ian

 

[David Nelson]

I wasn’t justifying or recommending it, but it surely goes on. You make life sound simple Ian, perhaps because you have been blessed in your love life. Not everyone is so lucky.

 

[David Nelson]

[QUOTE="aeon, post: 1396407, member:

I’ve known a couple of such couples, one married, the other not, who went about things in just that way.
[/QUOTE]

How did it turn out?

 

[aeon]

[QUOTE="aeon, post: 1396407, member:

I’ve known a couple of such couples, one married, the other not, who went about things in just that way.

How did it turn out?[/QUOTE]

Both couples are married now, all still together, doing as they do. Their guiding principle seems to be an unwillingness to deny their partner their free expression of self.

Cheers,
Ian

 

[just me]

but at the same time I feel guilty about it

There are reasons for this. Would you have your husband meet this guy? You are deceiving your husband, and family if you have more. Are you selfish? Keep him hidden? I wouldn't want you if you were lying in bed daydreaming of another. I would want you to go your own way and leave me be, but that is I. You already are cheating.

Attraction of things come and go. We can be attracted to someone for many reasons, but the reasons cause the attraction. I was attracted to a young lady a third of my age yesterday. The reasons were multifold. She stated she might come take me where she was taking her Father one day. I would confront my wife about it. Maybe she would go, too, but it wouldn't have as much meaning to me. I couldn't believe her thoughts and heart. Don't get to witness a lot of that. I blessed her for being who she is inside and out. If she were to come back and ask, I would feel like I had died and an angel had come to get me.

I have already told the wife.

 

[Matty]

Love vs selfish fantasies.

Commitment vs concupiscence.

 

[slant]

Conflicted feelings.

I think that when I've found myself in situations where I had STRONG conflicting feelings, what gave them strength was being in denial about myself. Meaning that the actions I took that were "naughty" or that I would avoid talking to people about certain things because I felt they would "catch on" to how unhealthy something was. I was conflicted because the choices I was making were against my morals and values.

So when you find yourself in this place you have to re evaluate if your values still ring true to you, if not, you revise them and live in alignment with your values because you changed them to fit your current life. Or you might find you still want to uphold the morals and values you have so you have to acknowledge the conflicting behavior and stop the behavior because you want to be in alignment.

Nobody here can tell what is causing your inner turmoil. Only you can. I don't think it is possible to live in this state of limbo for long. It is extremely stressful and the longer you stay in this state, our lives tend to fall apart. They fall apart directly because the stress we put ourselves under when we are questioning our identity and morals and values and until we put our foot down on one side we are constantly replaying everything, looking for some clue that will tell us what way to go.

But guess what? There ain't going to be no clue. People don't realize this but the only way to end it is that you choose. If you can't make up your mind, pick something. It is of the utmost importance that you take action and that you don't dilly dally by taking too much time looking for the key to this riddle. There's no riddle. You have to pick what you want. Either has consequences. Pick, or eventually life will pick for you by you creating so much chaos in your life from stress that nothing remains.

 

[lostENTP]

Thanks all for your understanding and the efforts with your advice, sorry cause English is not my native language so maybe sometimes I'm not accurate or enough precise in explaining my feelings.

@David I'm clearly an ENFJ, when I joined this forum I was not much into MBTI so I put ENTP by mistake...but since then I've done a test several times and I always result as ENFJ. (I cant change my nick)

Apart from the morality of what I'm going through, which I would not like to go into, cause morals to me varies among ages, people, cultures, and countries and according to my education, cheating could be immoral but is also immoral staying in a marriage just for inertia, fear or whatever other reason apart from love. And here's the thing, I currently feel in love with my husband, but not completely understood or fulfilled, for different reasons that would take me 5 pages to explain....and, at the same time, I feel also in love or infatuated with another person. Please don't go into the morality of this, but to me is a reality.

This said I have been reflecting on my feelings in the last couple of days and I realize that maybe I'm not in love with this person, but with the idea of this person. I read somewhere that when we fall in love with sometimes we usually fill the unknown gaps of their personality with our fantasies. I've read a lot in the last months about INFJ, which I´m assuming he is cause he has several traits, but I'm not 100% sure, so maybe, I'm conferring him a personality that maybe he doesn't have. So, there is the possibility that I'm in love with an "illusion of a soulmate" I created artificially because I feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

Have to say also that there is the possibility also that I have misinterpreted many of his signals, and that, as a good INFJs he's just being nice and trying to help me in my job cause he´s just a supergood person, but maybe he doesn't feel half of what I feel. In fact, is true that sometimes he is super warm with me and sometimes cold and distant, probably cause I'm not one of his priorities. We work together but in different cities so we join only every 1 or 2 months. And I realized that when we are physically together he starts to be warmer and sweet, then he texts me a lot, but after a couple of weeks apart, again distant and texts me less.

This question is for you INFJs, how one can differentiate when you're just being nice or you like someone romantically?