An intense crush don't know how to handle

Think of the people that you love who would be damaged by this if it should escalate. If it's still worth hurting them, then perhaps there's more for you to think about.

In my humble opinion, profound connection is not just about the thrills but of the whole willingness within you to choose them in spite of exciting or "deep" temptations.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this, but I hope you are well.

I would agree that yes we tend to create our own sufferings at times. I surely do the same. Ironically, that also means that the very freedom from that suffering shall come from our own volition as well.

I wish you peace as you go on about this. May you be guided by the values that you deeply hold dear.

 

I think you clearly have intense feelings of attraction and connection. I think that love is something different. I think the feelings and attraction are a component, and then there is choice. Where are you choosing to direct your energy?

I think at this point you are allowing your feelings to run the show. If you and the other truly will make no other choice of relationship, this choice is a very costly one.

You may not be leaving your partner physically, but it sounds like you are emotionally.

I absolutely can appreciate having needs unfulfilled within an intimate relationship and feeling drawn to places where they feel met outside the relationship.

I wonder if what you are drawn to in this other is actually a representation of something you already possess within you, but you have not yet built an internal relationship with.

My advice would be to focus your attention on your partner. Even to the point of naming your commitment to your partner and saying aloud why you chose this partner. That begins to channel your attention where it sounds like you intend it to be. I believe you may be surprised at how much power you have over your feelings by what you feed them.

I would also recommend looking inward. I strongly suspect all you find so attractive in this other is actually already within you. See if you can find that part of you.

I feel the angst you are wrestling with and it won't be easy to turn the tide. Yet, I believe if you choose to, you have that power.

 

@lostENTP you don’t say very much about yourself. Do you or your friend have children for instance? Do you know how he actually feels about you?

It sounds like your home life has become routine and grey, and you crave deeper and more exciting affection. This happens to most of us in long term relationships. I agree with @Elder that a good way out is to seek it with your partner. For example, try giving him the romantic excitement and attention that you crave for yourself - it might fan his flames alight again. Talk to him and tell him what you want - don’t assume he knows. Explore new things with him, things that you’d both enjoy. Take some risks together!

You say that you and your partner are too tired and stressed to put work into your relationship. This again is something a lot of us drift into over the years. You both should talk about it and change your priorities if you can, to give each other the love and affection you both need to be healthy. It’s very unlikely that exploring a relationship with your INFJ would help with your stress - it’s more likely to send it even higher if it were to go anywhere.

 

Excuse me Maams and Sir. Just dropping a soundtrack.

 

You said you are ENFJ but your name says ENTP. ENTP get on well with INFJ.

This predicament is exactly one example of what caused me to create a thread called ‘rethinking intimate relationships’ which was kind of like allowing open relationships. Maybe it’s something for the future, I don’t think most people are ready yet, if ever. Is it possible to love but also not feel jealous? Many have flings with probably varying amounts of guilt to live with after. Imagine a couple agreeing to allow each other to have a fling?

I totally get your wanting to keep the feelings alive. Those feelings of connection and excitement are what life is for. It’s a shame so often in life we have to choose between compromise and compromise. Trying to have your cake and eat it of course often goes pear shaped, or has unintended consequences, but I’m sure many have had secret affairs without regret. I wish you the best. No easy answers here.

 

I wasn’t justifying or recommending it, but it surely goes on. You make life sound simple Ian, perhaps because you have been blessed in your love life. Not everyone is so lucky.

 

[QUOTE="aeon, post: 1396407, member:

I’ve known a couple of such couples, one married, the other not, who went about things in just that way.
[/QUOTE]

How did it turn out?

 

There are reasons for this. Would you have your husband meet this guy? You are deceiving your husband, and family if you have more. Are you selfish? Keep him hidden? I wouldn't want you if you were lying in bed daydreaming of another. I would want you to go your own way and leave me be, but that is I. You already are cheating.

Attraction of things come and go. We can be attracted to someone for many reasons, but the reasons cause the attraction. I was attracted to a young lady a third of my age yesterday. The reasons were multifold. She stated she might come take me where she was taking her Father one day. I would confront my wife about it. Maybe she would go, too, but it wouldn't have as much meaning to me. I couldn't believe her thoughts and heart. Don't get to witness a lot of that. I blessed her for being who she is inside and out. If she were to come back and ask, I would feel like I had died and an angel had come to get me.

I have already told the wife.

 

Love vs selfish fantasies.

Commitment vs concupiscence.

 

Conflicted feelings.

I think that when I've found myself in situations where I had STRONG conflicting feelings, what gave them strength was being in denial about myself. Meaning that the actions I took that were "naughty" or that I would avoid talking to people about certain things because I felt they would "catch on" to how unhealthy something was. I was conflicted because the choices I was making were against my morals and values.

So when you find yourself in this place you have to re evaluate if your values still ring true to you, if not, you revise them and live in alignment with your values because you changed them to fit your current life. Or you might find you still want to uphold the morals and values you have so you have to acknowledge the conflicting behavior and stop the behavior because you want to be in alignment.

Nobody here can tell what is causing your inner turmoil. Only you can. I don't think it is possible to live in this state of limbo for long. It is extremely stressful and the longer you stay in this state, our lives tend to fall apart. They fall apart directly because the stress we put ourselves under when we are questioning our identity and morals and values and until we put our foot down on one side we are constantly replaying everything, looking for some clue that will tell us what way to go.

But guess what? There ain't going to be no clue. People don't realize this but the only way to end it is that you choose. If you can't make up your mind, pick something. It is of the utmost importance that you take action and that you don't dilly dally by taking too much time looking for the key to this riddle. There's no riddle. You have to pick what you want. Either has consequences. Pick, or eventually life will pick for you by you creating so much chaos in your life from stress that nothing remains.