A one-way crush

[courteouskitten]

Hello forum users and fellow INFJs. I've read so many threads on this site as a guest, and learned a lot! I'm sure this question has been asked many times before, but I couldn't find a thread that related exactly to this, so I decided to make an account and post a question myself. (Feeling brave, because I can safely hide behind online anonymity! hehe) Please beware, though, this may be a bit of a long, deep post for my first one!

My problem is surely an oft-encountered one. I like a girl, and I don't know if she likes me.

I'm 22 years old, and I've known this girl since I was 12. She's a year older than me. We live about an hour and a half away from each other, but for several years we attended the same church (and I still make the hour-long drive to that church as often as I can, which is about once or twice a month). We are both very dedicated Christians, and so we've often connected through spiritual discussions.

Since we were in our early teens, we've had EXTREMELY powerful chemistry when we relate to each other. Our minds seem to run in the same wavelength, and so we think of the same thing at the same time, far more than would happen by coincidence. It often used to happen that we'd be sitting on opposite sides of an auditorium at a church meeting, and the preacher would say something funny; my friend and I would make eye contact, and each of us knew exactly what the other thought was funny. She thinks my jokes are funny too. My friend is quite convinced that I'm a brilliantly talented musician, and occasionally she'll also make comments about how I'm a "genius" when it comes to science, computers, technology, etc.

For years, everyone in our mutual social circles was sure we'd end up together. The chemistry was obvious to everyone, from what I was told, and we could probably make a great match. (We have tons in common, shared interests, shared goals, etc.) She's also a stunningly beautiful girl (in my eyes), and I can't pretend to be completely uninfluenced by that. We were practically best friends for several years - we emailed frequently, texted, saw each other several times a month (we were both homeschooled, so this was a lot for us), and shared all kinds of fun experiences together.

When we were in our late teens, we both met other friends of the opposite genders (respectively), and I eventually pursued a long-distance relationship that lasted a year and a half. That fell apart when I was 20, and so did her friendship with her guy. We had drifted apart, but now we're starting to rekindle the flames of an old friendship, and we've made a little progress. She still drops me compliments on my "genius", makes a point of always hugging me whenever we say goodbye and usually when we say hello at church as well. She has slowly started to open up to me about more meaningful topics (church issues, deep worldview/philosophical/religious discussions, etc.), which I believe is a good sign. In addition, she's recently started to take a slight interest in my photography hobby.

My attraction hasn't gone away over the years - I'm nearly in love with her, but I dare not tell her. Why? Because I don't think she feels that way about me. She doesn't do anything around me that couldn't be explained as being friendly. And I'm pretty sure she's an INFJ or INFP. She's not easy to read. I don't know if it's reasonable to hope for her to come around or not. I probably should just take the plunge and ask her on a date or something, but that's a terrifying thought. After having been burned very badly once, and having been turned down by two other girls, my fear of rejection has unfortunately become very strong.

Her brother (a good friend of mine) says he doesn't see her showing interest in me. But he admits that he's not sure what her showing interest would look like. I don't really trust my own judgement of her, because I know I will probably interpret her "friendly" gestures as hints of "more than friendly". Hopeful bias. I can, however, attest to our friendship going through the warm-cold cycle that other INFJs have associated with liking someone. I'm not sure whose end it's on, but it's quite possible that it's mine. But, sometimes she is extremely nice to me (extra hugs, going out of her way to show me things she thinks I'll like, being super-smiley and lots of eye contact when she's normally a quiet and reserved person, etc.), and sometimes it's like she purposely tries to avoid me. I probably do the same to her unconsciously...

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I'm afraid to ask her out because she probably will say no. If I don't ask her, I will never know. I also don't have any other good available options that are on my radar right now, so it's either her or wait for another prospect. (Which could take a while, because I'm an INFJ, and trusting someone doesn't happen overnight for me.)

My question for you forum users is, is it worth risking asking her in spite of her brother and some other mutual friends saying they don't observe interest on her part? I desperately hope that she is, and I can interpret the situation accordingly, but it could also be interpreted (equally validly) that she just considers me a friend, nothing more.

That's the other question. There is no question that she likes me as a person. It seems unlikely that she likes me romantically, or if she does, she's hiding it well. How does an INFP or INFJ girl typically respond to being approached by a guy, if they didn't have that person "in mind"?

 

[Eventhorizon]

If I say that I think a lot of this is in your head is that too harsh?
If you like this girl just ask her out on a date. But make sure she knows you consider it a date and she should as well and not just a get together.
If she says yes things are going your way it sounds like. If she says yes to a second actual date they are looking even better. But your right if you wait you are basically letting her go. Maybe shell talk about you to her husband one day.

 

[Artisan]

[MENTION=14220]courteouskitten[/MENTION]

I agree, ask her on a date, if she says no, then simple, look for another girl. (yes I know that's hard)
If yes, then awesome see how it pans out.

One thing I can say from personal experience tho, is that the pressure inside churches to see people get married n stuff together is real.
The pushiness makes some girls almost completely incapable of any commitment for years, so when you move too fast they will freak out.

So play it casual and don't rush things if shes interested, unless she confessed to be in love with you (specifically in love) not just into you,
don't start about how you've been in love with her since the dawn of time ;p That's for way down the road ;p

 

[brightmoon]

Heed the advice of Artisan and Eventhorizon. You almost have no other option but to ask her on a date. Maybe the mixed signals she seems to be giving you are her being intimated by her perception of you as a "genius". So my advice is try to keep it light and casual so she can get to know your lighter side. There are no guarantees of course, and you may be hurt or rejected, but you will get over this eventually. What you wont get over is the regret of never knowing what could have been if you don't try.

 

[courteouskitten]

[MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION] No, it's not too harsh. I'm sure that a lot of this is in my head.

For background, though, both of us come from a very conservative culture within our church. The kind where you don't date around. Basically, the courtship model instead of the dating model. While I've definitely opened up a bit after my first relationship ended, to me the concepts of "asking someone out" and "getting together" are still very, very close to each other. In our conservative culture, asking someone out on a date is a much higher-risk action than it is in most social circles. (This isn't necessarily a good thing.) Doing something together would be fine (eating lunch by ourselves some place, going to an Apple Store together, etc.) but a "date" carries strong romantic connotations in my mind.

@Artisian Agreed. And maybe that's a lot of the pressure we had when we were younger. I know some of the mothers in the church would ask my mother "oooh, does your son like ____?" and so forth. But the local church we attend is fairly small, maybe 50 people on a given week, and there are literally no other girls my age there. I don't feel like either of us are under pressure to marry someone in the local church. We're both involved in a global Christian youth movement, and so most of my (and her) other "potential options" are in that group and are long-distance. I have no problem with a long-distance relationship, but my difficulty there is how to get to know someone well enough as a friend first, where I'll know if I want to pursue it farther. I have some wonderful friends who I've known for a long time, but it's hard to get to know new ones this way.

Knowing this girl, however, once she likes someone, it's probably going to be real and lasting. She's a very loyal soul, but she doesn't give out the deeper level of loyalty to just anyone. Her brother told me, "She's a tough cookie. But she is a real cookie once you get her!" Part of my hesitation is that I am slightly afraid of ruining my chances by asking her when she may not be in the mindset to consider a relationship with anyone. I know the worst she could say would be "no", but it's still intimidating.

 

[courteouskitten]

I tried replying to this, but I'm not sure if it went through before... (testing)

edit: Hmm. I had written out a post earlier and thought it worked, but apparently it didn't. I don't have time to rewrite it now, so I'll come back to it this afternoon. In the meantime, thanks for your responses!

 

[Scientia]

[MENTION=14220]courteouskitten[/MENTION] - The touching is a big thing as well as the extra hugs. She definitely has affection for you but it's probably not that on fire, romantic interest. If you are almost in love with her, I would say you need to find out how she feels about you.

 

[Angela]

[MENTION=14220]courteouskitten[/MENTION] I feel your pain! In January I took the plunge and asked out a guy that I have had a crush on since i was 14(I'm 31 now). He told me that I was intense, and I scared him, and he wasnt ready for commitment with me, even though he also admitted to having had a crush on me since about the same timeline.

Now that we've both been honest with each other, and he rejected me (which wasnt easy) we've actually been able to remain friends. Having your feelings out in the open isnt always such a bad thing.

 

[BrokenDaniel]

I would throw myself and ask her out. Last crush i had ended up with me finally confessing it, and it's much better, even if it doesn't work out the way you wanted to. If you feel the same way, you should probably tell her, sometimes you can make a girl change and reconsider by just telling her your feelings. And make her think about it.

 

[courteouskitten]

Sorry for the delayed response! I'm in college, and this last week has been rather crazy in terms of homework and projects due.

To clarify and update a few things from my original post:
•*When I say I was "nearly in love with her", I mean it in the sense that she is the only person in my life right now who I would not hesitate to get into a relationship with, if all other things were to be worked out. I trust her character and I've known her for a long time, and I don't have concerns about her, provided that she reciprocated. (If she doesn't reciprocate, then obviously a relationship wouldn't work very well, if at all.) Attraction is very strong, yes, but I'm trying to keep my emotions in check, because I don't know whether this will end up working out or not.

•*Her brother tells me that she is indeed an INFJ according to personality tests. If this is correct, it could explain a lot of interesting little details regarding how she treats me.

Anyways, I saw her this weekend at church, and spent the afternoon and evening with her family. We took a group hike with some other church members in the afternoon, then ate supper and played charades in the evening. Her brother and I stayed up till 3 am, talking some about his relationship with his girlfriend, and some about my interest in his sister. It seems like I'm on much more solid ground emotionally than I was a few months ago, when I couldn't make up my mind who I liked (out of 3 girls). I know for a fact that consistency is a very important factor for this girl. She knows about the relationship I had before, and her brother has told me that she respects me for the way I handled the breakup. (I won't get into that story here, but the short version is that my former girlfriend left me emotionally and possibly cheated on me while putting up a front of being honorable. I stayed loyal as long as I could, but eventually I had to sever all connections with her.)

I am not as afraid to ask her out as I used to be, but I think the timing will be key here. I know she's starting to view me less as her brother's friend who is nerdy about computers and music, and more as someone she can respect and look up to. Our friendship is growing. I have a good job at a software company, and less than a year of college left. My current (tentative) plan is to see if I can keep following this trend, win her admiration and trust, hopefully work my way into some of those inner INFJ layers of trust, and then ask her if she wants to go to the next level.

Brightmoon, your point about her being intimidated by my "genius" is quite interesting, and parallels what her brother has mentioned to me as well. It happens particularly with computers, since I study computer science and programming, and have a lot of random knowledge about technology in general. As an individual, I don't consider myself defined by my knowledge of computers, but sometimes I find myself going on too long about the technical details of some computer-related topic. (Yes, I know some interesting things about the topic, but that doesn't mean I have to elaborate on it all the time.) So I'm going to keep that in mind. It doesn't happen as much with music, because she's talented in that area, and so it's more of a two-way dialogue if we talk about music.

Superlative, I think that's exactly it. She has affection for me, but it's not on a romantic level. She did give me three hugs this weekend though.....

As a side note, a few years ago, another guy liked her. The two of them were nearly best friends. From what I found out later, she wanted to like him back, but the physical attraction side of it just wasn't there for her. She couldn't bring herself to enjoy even a casual level of touch with him (sitting next to each other with shoulders touching, etc.). She didn't feel it would be fair to him, so she told him she couldn't go forward with it. So it definitely is at least interesting that she is willing to initiate hugging me, etc. I don't think I'm objective enough to read between the lines more than that, but it's an interesting observation.