A Good Solid Question

[blueflame]

Now here's the question of the day: Why is it that when someone cheats they justify the action by saying "the heart wants what the hearts" but of course if they were the one being cheated on they would be pissed? This is completely illogical and I am perplexed. So the question is, would you date someone who you found out cheated in previous relationship(s) and just dismiss it as a bad desicion and move forward, or would you avoid a romatic involvement with that person despite maybe being criticised as being judgemental. I would say it is simply because we don't have the same values or level of maturity. When people ask me from now on why people cheat I will say it is because of lack of maturity. You are childlike in the sense that you know better but do something anyway because you want to despite future consequences. On another note, why would you even want the reputaion of being a cheater? I would feel like the decent people would avoid me like the plague and only people just as shady as I am will want to date me.

 

[endersgone]

All I know is good people... even great people make mistakes. I can't accept betrayal (when done to me), but I don't see any point in avoiding/ ridiculing them for a single mistake.

 

[blueflame]

I get that people make mistakes and shouldn't be ridiculed their whole life for it, but to me there is a difference between a mistake and bad desicion. Mistake means you didn't know any better, bad desicion is you knew better but didn't care. That is my cause for concern.

 

[endersgone]

It's not ususally cut and dry/black and white, there are a lot of intricate parts to a relationship... it's not always - "I knew better, so it was ultimately avoidable". Humans aren't that logical, emotion guides us much of time... and it can make us do things we otherwise wouldn't. (This is just my opinion; I'm sure there are multiple ways to interpret this issue.)

 

[Vicarious]

"the heart wants what the hearts"

I assume you meant "the heart wants what the heart wants"...that statement is a cop out and just proves how egocentric that person is, IMO. A person with any integrity or respect for others would leave their current, unfulfilled relationship before getting involved with another.

I don't think I would date someone who has a history of cheating as I would find it difficult to trust them; however, I suppose it would depend on the circumstances. For instance, say they cheated on someone in their early 20's, but is now in their 30's and has not cheated on a partner since, then I probably would chalk it up to immaturity and would pay it little mind. On the other hand, if they had a consistent history of cheating or the cheating was recent, I wouldn't even bother with them.

 

[894tt3h9]

When I was 19 I cheated on someone I was in a "Relationship" with. I put the term in quotation marks for reasons I won't get into here. I don't regret it and I don't feel any guilt over it. I did it knowing exactly what it was that I was doing and the reasons why I was doing it. However, I would NOT do it again because that's no longer how I operate as a person, and I would not allow myself to be in the type of relationship where I would feel the need to get satisfaction from anyone other than whoever it is I am with.

It's not about the heart wanting what the heart wants. It's more about having your cake and eating it too, or even not having the guts to do the right thing by ending your current relationships.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

I assume you meant "the heart wants what the heart wants"...that statement is a cop out and just proves how egocentric that person is, IMO. A person with any integrity or respect for others would leave their current, unfulfilled relationship before getting involved with another.

I don't think I would date someone who has a history of cheating as I would find it difficult to trust them; however, I suppose it would depend on the circumstances. For instance, say they cheated on someone in their early 20's, but is now in their 30's and has not cheated on a partner since, then I probably would chalk it up to immaturity and would pay it little mind. On the other hand, if they had a consistent history of cheating or the cheating was recent, I wouldn't even bother with them.

I agree. If it was at a different stage in the person's life and their present behavior and outlook show that they have grown beyond it, then I would be far less concerned. If it was within the past couple of years, I'd steer clear. Of course I guess the OP's assumption is that a long-term monogamous relationship is the goal. Otherwise it might not matter that much.

 

[eloquent_leo]

Now here's the question of the day: Why is it that when someone cheats they justify the action by saying "the heart wants what the hearts" but of course if they were the one being cheated on they would be pissed? This is completely illogical and I am perplexed. So the question is, would you date someone who you found out cheated in previous relationship(s) and just dismiss it as a bad desicion and move forward, or would you avoid a romatic involvement with that person despite maybe being criticised as being judgemental. I would say it is simply because we don't have the same values or level of maturity. When people ask me from now on why people cheat I will say it is because of lack of maturity. You are childlike in the sense that you know better but do something anyway because you want to despite future consequences. On another note, why would you even want the reputaion of being a cheater? I would feel like the decent people would avoid me like the plague and only people just as shady as I am will want to date me.

I would consider dating somone who cheated based on their opinions of the actions they did. Do they feel it was the right thing to do? Did they enjoy cheating? Did they do it because of not having certain needs met in their actual relationship? What do they think about it. Do they consider it okay to cheat if needs aren't met without presenting them to the actual partner? Alot of other questions in my mind. Based on their answers, the time the cheating happened, personal relationship matters that happened held into account, I would have a relationship, or not have one with them.

 

[acd]

I would date a cheater if I really liked them. People make mistakes. I pathologically give people the benefit of the doubt.
(Maybe I'm naive..)
Ideally, I suppose the upstanding thing to do would be end the current relationship before straying..
I've dated men who have done horrible things.. like sleeping with married women.
If I get cheated on, I'll go on living.

It's not ususally cut and dry/black and white, there are a lot of intricate parts to a relationship... it's not always - "I knew better, so it was ultimately avoidable". Humans aren't that logical, emotion guides us much of time... and it can make us do things we otherwise wouldn't. (This is just my opinion; I'm sure there are multiple ways to interpret this issue.)

^^Also a good way to put it..


I earnestly believe that people are capable of changing..
That's just based on the changes I've made as an individual.

 

[mochi]

I would never date a cheater, ever. A lot of it has to do with my own sympathy with the person they cheated on. I don't want to be "the new woman," UGH. Also, I would find myself egotistic to think "but it won't happen to me, because I'm special." If I ever made such a choice, I would consider myself foolish and stupid.

I would not judge others for their decisions, though, nor do I feel the same would be reflected on them if they made a decision. This is just how it fits with my own personal values and morals.

Yes, the heart wants what it wants... That cannot be helped in some instances, but it's not really hard to break up with the person and be with the other then is it?

Incredibly biased rant over.

 

[lilgreengal]

Because most people do not really care about something, unless it happens to them. It is easier for most people to inflict pain and seek pardon, than to be the one inflicted and have to forgive.

Whether cheating is right/wrong... depends on the individual.

I've ended a friendship which was like a phantom relationship, where I've found that the person was not honest with his partner as to my role in his life.

It is no to cheaters for me. If a relationship is open, it is open for both parties, and it should not be hidden in the dark, and rights only to one person. There's no honesty there, and insufficient communication. And I don't see how a relationship can blossom without honesty. Also, as mochi said, is it that hard to break up before you go for another person? Character weakness makes it tough to build anything long-term on?

The heart may want what the heart wants, but cheating is an active choice and decision made. We can all pee on the roadside, but we do not.

Every time you call the other person, every time you lie to stay out, every time you make love to your partner, and the other person, every touch and every word, becomes a lie. it is a choice you're making every single time. Cheating is many acts, not just one. And it becomes nature over time.

In that, I could forgive one-off behaviour, but not attitude, as attitude points to values, principles. Ultimately, staying with someone who does not share the same values creates too much dissonance.

I think as well, at the back of the mind, there's a thought that I deserve a whole person, simply.

 

[InvisibleJim]

So the question is, would you date someone who you found out cheated in previous relationship(s)

No, because past behaviour is indicative of future performance. This is what we call a one sided relationship. The greedy partner wants to have someone who is committed to them but is not really committed as long as they can get away with it. This allows them to say 'look how valuable I am, I can do what I want, but you can't', that's not the idea.

I would also not marry someone who left their marriage.

 

[barbad0s]

If my husband had a one night stand or otherwise briefly cheated on me, I would be okay with it, as long as he knew what he was doing to our relationship, and being honest to himself and me about what he was doing and his thoughts/feelings, without hiding anything. Being open is important. Him not loving me anymore or feeling strain in the relationship is a huge issue that I would like to know about to see if it's something we can work on. Then if he really wants to bang someone else aside from that, he can go ahead. But if I were in a loving relationship, I would not want to bang others, because I wouldn't imagine I'd get pleasure or gain anything from banging someone I wasn't committed to and in love with, but that's just how I operate.

That said, I've never been married or cheated on, so I wouldn't know how I'd really react.

I have technically cheated before, on a guy I dated for 2 months, with a guy I had been with for 2 years and was/(am?) still in love with, but who didn't love me at the time. I never fathomed I could have done something like that in my lifetime.

I asked that first guy out a couple months before I had a trip to visit my ex in Korea planned out. It was a bad idea... I really didn't like him that much. I was very depressed and anxious and had very low self esteem, and I guess I subconsciously wanted to "test" if I could still function in a relationship, or missed the emotional support or something. I told the victimized dude all the details about the status of my previous relationship and my emotional state, and plans to visit my ex so that he would be aware of all the "dangers". I broke up with him after a month because I wasn't feeling anything and I told him so, but he asked me out again, and the second time around I thought it was more meaningful. When I went to Korea, halfway through I had no contact with the guy I was dating, and I was spending all day every day with my ex. I fell in love with him again and realized I wanted to stay committed to him still. We both knew the current situation with the guy I was dating. I knew I had to break up with him as soon as I got back. On the last night before I went back to Canada, I went to stay the night at my ex's house for convenience purposes. I don't know if he planned it... I assumed we'd sleep in seperate rooms. But then he decided we should watch movies instead and something happened like

Anyways, that was that, and I told the guy I dated back in Canada what happened and we broke up. He took it really well, and we still talk and hang out often. Man.. the other week we were hanging out with people and he offered me chocolate. It was like "I cheated on you, and now you're giving me chocolate?! *disbelief* " I didn't say that lol. I do feel sorry for how he must have felt, but I don't feel any remorse for what I did. Dating someone in that situation was stupid in the first place, and it's something I'm not going to do again. As for my Korean ex, the situation is now... idk.

Whether I would date another person who cheated before, really depends. Every situation is different.

 

[Nixie]

I dated a married man. I didn't know he was marrried at the time I got involved with him. I continued to see him briefly after I found out but couldn't wrap my head around it. He wasn't American and claimed it was a "green card" marriage and didn't even live with his wife. We broke up and then tried getting back together. Shortly after that, he started to mess around with another co-worker. I walked away. I don't fight for anybody and typically have one foot out the door anyway. I didn't blame him for going after someone else. I am emotionally distant and wasn't terribly committed to the relationship anyway.

Things aren't always what you want them to be and people aren't always who you need them to be. Cheating is something that two people do to each other. Even if the one who was "cheated on" doesn't realize it, they played a part in their partner straying--even if it was only trusting someone who wasn't trustworthy.

Me, my sense of duty and honor makes it difficult for me to consider cheating and to see someone who cheats/has cheated as desirable.

 

[the]

You are childlike..

Nah, children dont cheat.

Also people cheat because that is what they want. That is pretty feelery imo. The stuff that comes afterward is inconsequential. That's P for ya. I dont think maturity has anything to do with it.

only people just as shady as I am will want to date me.

In their mind they probably think this but come to the conclusion that all is not lost, they still have a chance at love.

 

[Ryo]

Relationships are as unique and complicated as people are. I'm sure there are circumstances that would dramatically change the way you judge the cheater or cheatee (...).

I think it depends on your own values. If you value honesty than knowing someone repeatedly lied (and maybe easily or skillfully) would be a problem. If they were open about it, it may be less so. I think it's more about what people think cheating typically involves i.e. deliberately lying, sneaking around, hurting a presumably innocent person who you supposedly love etc.

None of that sounds particularly appealing to me but I also know that love is very complicated thing.

 

[Next]

Okay. Erm, Would you say that, its cheating if only 1 person thinks they're in a relationship?

 

[Nixie]

Okay. Erm, Would you say that, its cheating if only 1 person thinks they're in a relationship?

Why would you let someone think they were in a relationship with you if it wasn't true? I would say that is cruel and much more damaging than just screwing around on someone.

 

[JGirl]

Now here's the question of the day: Why is it that when someone cheats they justify the action by saying "the heart wants what the hearts" but of course if they were the one being cheated on they would be pissed? This is completely illogical and I am perplexed. So the question is, would you date someone who you found out cheated in previous relationship(s) and just dismiss it as a bad desicion and move forward, or would you avoid a romatic involvement with that person despite maybe being criticised as being judgemental. I would say it is simply because we don't have the same values or level of maturity. When people ask me from now on why people cheat I will say it is because of lack of maturity. You are childlike in the sense that you know better but do something anyway because you want to despite future consequences. On another note, why would you even want the reputaion of being a cheater? I would feel like the decent people would avoid me like the plague and only people just as shady as I am will want to date me.

'the heart wants what the heart wants' really means that the heart does not think, it merely feels. it cannot rationalize what it wants or why it wants or even if it should want. only that it does.
as i'm so fond of saying time and time again, feel with your heart, but think with your head.
as for getting involved with a person who has cheated in the past. your relationship starts in the present. why would you dredge up what has gone before? there is not one person who doesn't have baggage they'd rather not have held against them. unless the person showed that they could or would not be monogamous in the current relationship i don't see why it should be a factor.

 

[Faye]

I am not going to say absolutely that I wouldn't, but I would be significantly more cautious if I knew someone had cheated in the past and would be reluctant. It depends a lot on the circumstances of and reasons for the cheating.