1st date with another INFJ

[Wyst]

Hey hey forum. Been a while, eh? (working FT + grad school will do that to ya)

So I didn't know who else to turn to for some advice and I've come back to get some help from other INFJs. I have a date later with another INFJ. Yep.

Background:
Over the past year one thing I've learned about myself is that when I'm on a 1st date, I slip into deep, serious mode. True to my INFJ type, I didn't flirt, or act silly with people I'm not serious about. THAT privilege is reserved for people who have passed the test and have earned my trust (so far almost nobody.... *wipes tear*). Only they get to see the real me. Make sense? Ok, well thanks to a couple of good girlfriends, I asked them for feedback on my interaction with girls and they informed me that as long as I interview girls on our first dates, I will continue to have nothing but first dates. Since then I've made some changes and my dates have gone MUCH better and I've had some 2nd and 3rd dates. Sweet!

Bringing it back to the present...
I've never gone out with another INFJ before and I'm trying really, really hard not to place her in the "She's just like me" category. I can't sit across the table from her and be thinking, "What do I talk about... well she's an INFJ too.. Hmm what would the INFJ in me like to talk about.. ok go with that!" See what I'm getting at?

I want to be fun without being superficial and deep without discussing INFJ "soulache". In fact I don't even want to assume she has soulache like me. That'd be foolish.

Ladies, I would especially appreciate your thoughts? How do you wish/want your first dates to play out?

 

[La Sagna]

Sounds like your overthinking. Just be yourself and go with the flow.

I am most impressed by people who are relaxed and comfortable with themselves and not trying to put on an act. That goes for all human interactions.

I used to try to be what people expected me to be or what I wanted them to see me as which meant I was always wearing a mask. Several years ago I dropped the mask completely and now people have a better impression of me. Apparently what I was trying to be wasn't as good as what I really am, flaws and all.

Seriously, just be present and attentive and she'll appreciate that.

 

[Wyst]

Somehow I knew that would be the advice I would get. Overthinking as usual...

Curse you, Ni!!!!

 

[LucyJr]

If its "chemistry" like its called, it will work. If isn't, then you shouldn't bother.

 

[LucyJr]

Somehow I knew that would be the advice I would get. Overthinking as usual...

Curse you, Ni!!!!

Althought Ni can "drag" and "help" overthinking,
the real reason for it is not Ni.
In my experience I think I discovered that thinking and overthinking are
Very good and people who have that are very lucky.

But overthinking in the sense that you used is not actually overthinking, it's just a fixed idea in ones head.
For example, I can have a fixed idea that I can not make small talks. Guess what, every time I try to
smal talk, it won't work. Because I have this fix idea on the back of my mind that I can't do small talk. And from there starts an internal war. Because I try to prove to me that I can make small talks, and so I give people a fake vibe, because Im not comfortable, and it can be seen by them that Im fixed on something, that Im not genuine, Im not natural.

So from something so simple and so tiny, it becomes something really nasty.
So, identify the fixed idea, and kill it. Its simple.

 

[floatingbridge]

I second [MENTION=9809]La Sagna[/MENTION] Just go with the flow and let the conversation meander organically, no motive or agenda behind except to have a pleasant time together. For me, it means getting to know each other in as comfortable way or pace as possible. If you happen to accidentally talk about "INFJness", again no need to panic about it - it is just one of your interests, which is just part of getting to know your other one. Typology seems to be one of those topics people with and without priori knowledge of it, an interesting thing to discuss

They say good dates are split two-fold. One more upbeat, adrenaline activity followed by something quieter in which you can bond over about the former. Go bowling?

 

[Wyst]

Date went REALLY well! INFJness didn't come up at all. We're going out again next week and I've got her in suspense for what we'll be doing

I had a couple of jokes ready that I ended up not using because it felt like they were super incongruent with how things were flowing. Glad I didn't force it... Thanks for the advice y'all - it helped me out!