Thus far what you've written about your current girl seems like she is going the distance ... you are the one backing out. Which is fine, but you need to be honest with her. Tell her you are not as ready as you thought you were and you want to slow down a little, then she can chose what she wants to do.
I'm about to drop a bomb
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What if a woman says it in words or actions...how would a man react?
My thoughts are simple, just be honest about how you feel -- with yourself and her.
I don't think it's my place to jump on your character or know whether or not you're ready for a new relationship based on a few paragraphs.
I don't think it's my place to jump on your character or know whether or not you're ready for a new relationship based on a few paragraphs.
A healthy man, one with decent self esteem and a non overblown ego, would (imo) take it as one of many obstacles the woman he desires is going to put up, either consciously or unconsciously, in order for him to prove to her, and himself, that he really wants, and is ready for, what he wants.
Now is the best time to practice.
Yeah that's fair advice. Also I wonder if I am misunderstanding and reacting to her needs inaccurately. I hope to get clarity when we talk. Like maybe there is something she needs that I can give her but I just don't have the same need and I'm misinterpreting her need by projecting what I would be meaning by some of the things she's said were I to be the one saying it. Maybe I can diffuse the situation by asking the right questions.
My thoughts are simple, just be honest about how you feel -- with yourself and her.
I don't think it's my place to jump on your character or know whether or not you're ready for a new relationship based on a few paragraphs.
All of this, but especially the first sentence. You need to be fully honest with yourself and with her. Anything less will complicate things for the both of you.
LOL. That's funny. Not entirely true but not entirely wrong either.
I think you might be in love with an idea and not a person. I would start with your first INTJ relationship. You said that you were "deeply in love with her" for 15 months, however, if you broke up after 2 years you dated for another 9 months feeling that she was dismissive toward you so you actually spent 40% of the relationship not being happy. Why would you miss that? I would ask myself these questions: 1. How did she handle the break up? Was she sad, angry, attempting to reconnect etc.. I would bet that answer would be "no" but that's just speculation. 2. Why do you get to determine what communicating in a "healthy" way is? Do you think she would agree with your definition? 3. What does "self absorbed" mean and what does being "dismissive of your needs" mean? Perhaps you were being the self absorbed one. What were her needs? Do you know? I am not trying to be an "ass" but if you are looking for honest self reflection this is where you should start IMO.
These quotes may not all be referring to the same thing, but are you sure that you are really in a good and healthy place, OP?
Sounds like NT is alluring to you, and perhaps you are attracted to this aspect as "other." However, at some point you need aspects of "same" (NF).
I think you need to find a highly disciplined/organised (ocd?) NF, who is definitely warm, but not cloyingly so; a girl who is hard to figure out, and can be both a complete softy and an exacting achiever.
I am so confused...I don't know why either. lol
I was on the other side of that. I think I've told my story in another way in another discussion, but your point of view has really helped me understand what he was going through. I ended up pushing him away completely because it hurt a lot when he did that, but he did what he needed to, and I was the one who told him we should wait and be friends... That didn't work, but I'm hoping we can be friends again in time. I hope everything works out alright for you. Stay true to yourself and your feelings. good luck!
Not exactly. There the 40% was a roller coaster of recurring issues. When it was good it was euphorically good though. But because issues never were solved they kept coming back around and the overall pain level slowly rose until I broke when I decided she wasn't at a place to try to solve problems.
I don't miss feeling like shit. I miss the connection when things were good. I miss the Ni mind meld conversations that would last for hours. I miss her face and looking at her. She was beautiful and watching her walk across a room would make me swoon. I miss her mind. Her thoughts and so on.
She was really angry and sad. She didn't attempt to save anything. She did a few times reach out but sometimes it seemed like it was to fuck with my head/emotions out of revenge. Other times because she actually missed me. Once asked for breakup sex after a few weeks but I was devastated and couldn't possibly. Told her I wanted to talk and try to understand each other and work on the relationship... not "do it" one more time. She wasn't having it. Later she was upset and asking why I broke up and I explained everything and she said, yeah but that all could have been fixed...but it couldn't actually because I TRIED and TRIED to fix it with her input while we were still together and she wouldn't try. Just said that this is the way she is etc... So I know that it takes 2 people to want to try to fix things and while still together she didn't. Even after breakup I wanted to try but she refused. So that's that. All indication was that future relationship would continue where I was the only one willing to roll up sleeves and talk about hard stuff and that is just more pain than I can handle.
Sorry but this is a bit funny to me if you knew the dynamic.
Self absorbed means all you talk about is yourself and what you're up to and never even asking how was your day? Much less any further show of interest in the other person. I don't really care at this point if she would agree with my definition. It's very over. Seriously any definition of self absorbed probably fits. It wasn't always like that but thats where things ended up.
Yeah because literally everything was revolving around her needs towards the end. I'm pretty clear where I went wrong and things I could have done better. I took to heart her complaints and she's damn smart and many of them were accurate however most of the complaints were that I had needs for reciprocation or a little attention/validation that she didn't want to put effort towards. Basically if I was a robot with no needs and could serve at her pleasure we would have gotten along fine. Even if 70% of the attention was on her in the relationship but 30% was on me I could have been happy but it was more like 90%/10% and I couldn't cope with that. Probably it just wasn't a great fit once the dopamine wore of for her.