Love is complex, lets dissect........
- Thread starter blueflame
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Love Sonnet XVII~Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I do not exist, nor do you.
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I do not exist, nor do you.
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
Ahh...but what about the feeling you get that overwhelms your heart when you look at your nieces?
Is that not Love? How can that be a joke?
When you talk about being with them - it's almost as if you disappear and flow into the energy that surrounds them. Love transforms you in the moment and you forget about the small self and become the larger Self as part of the collective that is Love. Love pulls you out of your self and then the walls fall away and the pure light of Love suffuses your very being into your core. You merge with them for they are Love in all of it's innocence and purity. You weep with joy for their existence in the world and are humbled by the sheer magnificence of Love.
That's mamilian instinctual emotion. And while yes its beautiful, it still is what it is. I can no longer divorce myself from the machinery of existence and our bodies. That feeling is enough to illicit tears and my dopamine receptors.
Knowing when to let go,
To let their freedoms grow,
love is being there,
with out all the cliches,
No matter how thorough the cracks run deep,
Hold your self together kid.
In the shadows whenre your fears swell know never to give up
For fear is thy greatest enemy
To let their freedoms grow,
love is being there,
with out all the cliches,
No matter how thorough the cracks run deep,
Hold your self together kid.
In the shadows whenre your fears swell know never to give up
For fear is thy greatest enemy
I love the concept of love, by which I mean genuine, affectionate love, whether between couples, relatives, or very close platonic friends. It's responsible for the world's most profound connections between two human beings, and quality literature would be an impossibility without it.
I never even thought much of this until now, but it definitely does make a difference. My husband sometimes makes a point to say my name when he tells me he loves me. Not super often, but in a way, that is what makes it so special when he does. I can see how being with someone who never said your name at all could make you feel like they were distancing themselves from you in a way.
My fundamental definition of love has always been: when someone considers your feelings and well-being as much as they consider their own. Of course there are so many other layers, so perfectly laid out in the Robert Sternberg model posted by DrShephard. Most of these dimensions I have experienced throughout the years. After spending nine years in three consecutive relationships, I took a purposeful hiatus at 27 to spend some time with myself. Dating periodically these past five years - with nothing special to catch my attention - until I moved to a new town and met a guy through Match.
We’ve been dating nearly a year now and I am now finding myself bored and irritable. I am discovering now how much I long for the single days of solace. It started off passionate and intense, yet these past few months finding that we lack commonality and connection. The intimacy & passion is no longer present and I am becoming increasingly frustrated and irritable. He’s nice enough, stable and such, however boredom has settled in and the interaction is stale and mundane. Keenly aware these past few months that I should let it go, I tried twice to have the “break up” discussion, but caved when he interpreted my concerns as an opportunity for remediation.
Both attempts failed due to lacking the courage of conviction, and without any fatal offense to finalize things, I caved. Still unhappy with the stagnation, I pose this question to the forum:
Why is it so difficult to leave this type of relationship when you know that it’s just not for you?
There is so much more to this, but I am new here and am curious about the insight this forum may have…
We’ve been dating nearly a year now and I am now finding myself bored and irritable. I am discovering now how much I long for the single days of solace. It started off passionate and intense, yet these past few months finding that we lack commonality and connection. The intimacy & passion is no longer present and I am becoming increasingly frustrated and irritable. He’s nice enough, stable and such, however boredom has settled in and the interaction is stale and mundane. Keenly aware these past few months that I should let it go, I tried twice to have the “break up” discussion, but caved when he interpreted my concerns as an opportunity for remediation.
Both attempts failed due to lacking the courage of conviction, and without any fatal offense to finalize things, I caved. Still unhappy with the stagnation, I pose this question to the forum:
Why is it so difficult to leave this type of relationship when you know that it’s just not for you?
There is so much more to this, but I am new here and am curious about the insight this forum may have…
There are a couple of type analysis websites out there that say INFJs have difficulty leaving relationships. At least you can smile knowing you're consistent with your type.
:For me - the reason I have such a hard time leaving is because I can imagine - and feel - their pain and hurt at my leaving. Then there is the guilt the relationship didn't work out. I have a tendency to take on full resposnsibility for the relationship. It is - after all - what INFJs are good at doing - right? [rolls eyes]
Confrontation! Confrontation! Confrontation.... did I mention we hates confrontations??? Hahahahahaha
I don't know your perspective on the energy connection between persons who have developed an intimate relationship - but there is an energy bond - heart to heart - that forms between them. I have found this bond to be most difficult to let go of. It's as if there is a physical tearing of flesh.
Another thought: It is said we are attracted to those persons who express that which is hidden - or unexpressed - within our selves. Some call it the Shadow side. The Sub conscious. Your Mind knows you have unexpressed aspects to your Self and seeks someone to Fall In Love with in order for you to "See" or "Experience" that which you hold back within you. They say the act of falling in love encourages us to drop our barriers between our Self and our Beloved in order to experience the divine union. If you want to know more about your Self - then perhaps you could use this current relationship to learn and grow.
Ask your Self - what was it about this person that encouraged you to fall in love with them. Ironically - it could be those things you do not allow your Self to do - or be expressed. Once the glow of Divine Love wears off you may be bored because you never uncovered the hidden parts of you this person could potentially help you find. Most of the time these unexpressed aspects of our selves are denied because we judge them unacceptable or inappropriate for reasons we learned in childhood. If your judgment mind is judging You for those behaviors - and your Beloved is doing them - you will negatively judge them as well.
It took me 10 years to leave my first husband even though after the first 6 months I knew it was a mistake. I kept thinking it was my fault and embarked on a quest to fix things. It wasn't until I met who I considered my Soul Love Mate (I now know this is not quite true...) that I could leave the first one. I think "falling so completely and irrevocably in love" was the final straw and made me realize the first marriage was not going to work. The Soul Mate marriage lasted 20 years and for a long time during that time I was happy.
Typical for INFJs - though - I found myself wishing I had a mate who really understood me and could see the same visions I had. My ex and I are still friends and have a working relationship of sorts. This has been great for me - because it has allowed me to take a hard and deep look at myself these past 2 years - while still being in a dynamic changing relationship with someone whom I loved. I have had a chance to see first hand why I fell for him all those years ago. It allowed me to see him as a Person - first - then a Friend - an ex - etc. Looking at him as a person was a life changing experience for me. I began to look at all the people I was in relationships with - as People first - then best friend or sister or mother - or boss - or coworker.... I have been able to let go of all kinds of learned behaviors and ideas and concepts of what is right or wrong.
One of the reasons I say love is complex is because I see people in relationships all that time that don't seem to make sense but it could be as described above: discovering parts of oneself through another person. I have a friend that was not at all interested in or physically attracted to her current boyfriend and they are going on 2 years but it isn't all lovey dovey. They seem together yet there is a barrier of some sort I can't quite put my finger on. The best way to describe it would be that it is very non-passionate and platonic like to friends who live together. They don't seem to have very much in common. Yet I wonder what is going on in my friends head. What does she think about him exactly. Clearly she is cool with him, but to a certain extent she won't reveal.
I believe I've spent my entire life seeking to understand love. I suppose that is not too out of the ordinary; after all, hopeless romantics are about a dime a dozen on the Internet. It seems we all congregate here because, in my mind, society has cast love aside.
I've been in several long-term relationships in my life with one even escalating to engagement before falling apart. The storming nights gazing in darkness into each other's eyes as the rain trickles down the moonlit windows are memories not easily forgotten. No matter how close I've ever felt to a woman, however, there is always an overwhelming urge to dig deeper as if the body is a prison keeping me from coalescing with another soul.
The realist in me understands, at least on verbal intellect level, that love is a commercialized lie - an unrealistic ideal only possible in books and movies.
The cynic in me rises and falls and at times I may denounce my faith in love but I know when the sea is calm that I'll always return to my belief in love.
The comedian in me laughs at myself for being such a beta male emo kid.
The intellectual in me rationalizes that love is a concept loaded with thousands of years of western culture and that how I understand love is undeniably a product of my culture.
At the end of the day when I ignore all the conflicting voices and just listen to how I feel then love takes a new clarity. Moulin Rogue sums it up so well with a simple cliche: "Love is like oxygen". The urge to love is not unlike the uncontrollable urge to breath. We laugh on the surface at our own melodramatics but deep down I believe this simple simile to be true. Sometimes that belief is all it takes to keep trying to find love.
I believe love takes compromise, understanding, patience, and above all else, an open heart.
I've been in several long-term relationships in my life with one even escalating to engagement before falling apart. The storming nights gazing in darkness into each other's eyes as the rain trickles down the moonlit windows are memories not easily forgotten. No matter how close I've ever felt to a woman, however, there is always an overwhelming urge to dig deeper as if the body is a prison keeping me from coalescing with another soul.
The realist in me understands, at least on verbal intellect level, that love is a commercialized lie - an unrealistic ideal only possible in books and movies.
The cynic in me rises and falls and at times I may denounce my faith in love but I know when the sea is calm that I'll always return to my belief in love.
The comedian in me laughs at myself for being such a beta male emo kid.
The intellectual in me rationalizes that love is a concept loaded with thousands of years of western culture and that how I understand love is undeniably a product of my culture.
At the end of the day when I ignore all the conflicting voices and just listen to how I feel then love takes a new clarity. Moulin Rogue sums it up so well with a simple cliche: "Love is like oxygen". The urge to love is not unlike the uncontrollable urge to breath. We laugh on the surface at our own melodramatics but deep down I believe this simple simile to be true. Sometimes that belief is all it takes to keep trying to find love.
I believe love takes compromise, understanding, patience, and above all else, an open heart.
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