Relationship mess - I need help!
- Thread starter Carlotta
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Hi there. I can sense the presence of INFJ mind just by quickly reading your story. I'd like to share my experience rather than giving you advises because I am as miserable as you are suffering from this personality. But please mind my English writing proficiency coz I am not a native speaker.
"So after being disappointed again for the 20th time I felt so helpless that I broke up with him."
(A typical INFJ: oh by the way you failed me xx times, xx years and you let me down every two weeks to never finish your paper)
And a forward looking concerns
"He is 33 now, has never worked and on top of it all he’s getting his degree in a field that is not really asked for on the Labour market (biology)."
(Uups. When we look forward too much, we tend to believe on the unfulfilled propechy, rather than wait and observe. The impacts? We make JUDGEMENT and act. Sometimes we did regret it. Likely you may think repeatedly what other decisions you could've taken. Hehe)
"Now I am in love with this new guy but I still love my ex boyfriend."
(I dont think it is love my dear. It is the guilt feeling the keeps haunting you. You feel pity of him. You feel you have a bad morality, but who gives a sh** about morality when your beautiful mind combine all of those powerful intuition and feeling into a complex projection of how your life may end up with your ex bf? It is very natural an INFJ has an overwhelming projections)
It is my turn to share my miserable life story. Again, I am not trying to advise, but you may learn from another INFJ a life-changing lessons. In short I live with my choices today and never regret (even though I do feel empty with regards to finding my love ones).
Here is the story:
I never understood the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator Socionics, before my ENTP friend guessed me I am an INFJ. At first, I didnt give a sh*t at all. But out of my curiousity I took the test. I took it when I am not drunk and drunk. I took it 4 times and it kept coming back with the same INFJ Advocate. Some said the test isn't 100% revealing your personality, but well. At least here I am following an INFJ forum.
Why I felt so INFJ?
Here is my story. I am just an average boy (not superhot but also not ugly either). I do like smart girl, forward looking, good looking enough to bring to meet your friends (just like any other boys).
The story dated back to 2005 (I am now 39), when I met this smart student who were undertaking her study in Melbourne, Australia. She was a would be doctor. I can't really remember how I first asked her out, but I do remember her quote: "I know you are a heart breaker, I hope you are serious when you said you want me to be part of your life forever".
Fast forward, I have been dating this girl, who is likely another introvert intuitive ones, but I don't know which type. Just like an INFJ I always make my time to "be there for her", until she became so dependent on me (like many other INFJs, I can feel that I am a mind bender, I am a good problem neutralizer and for sure a wise adviser -- I didn't know why I like hearing her stories for hours, when she threw all her problems at the medical school, annoying teachers, fellow classmates etc. I felt it all were beautiful stories and I even analyzed her stories bits by bits as it was not just because I wanted to give her the best advises, but because I even imagined a different world through her stories, which was beautiful). This affection towards my girlfriend became famous among our community. I was even dubbed "the most romantic boyfriend a girl would want to dream". I didn't give a sh*t to any of these, not even want to stare at any girls flirting at me for knowing my reputation. It was rather a burden (like any other INFJ I don't like being in the spotlight), BUT my girlfriend was proud of me, happy of me. That's all I cared about.
She was a would be doctor, I was a would be journalist. We both have the same nationalities, studying abroad.
She comes from a rich family, I came from a family of veteran journalist, who run out of money to pay my expensive tuition fees as an international student (I had to work many many jobs to cover my living expenses, part of my tuition). In short it didn't matter because all of our parents were far away. We were living in the Alice wonderland. A city full of gardens, diverse with culture and a Western country (I am from the East).
At the end of her study (after 2.5 years of relations), she had to leave me before I finished my study. I cried at the airport, told her I love you and of course say "I won't date any other girl". I did fulfill my promises, even though I was surrounded by lovely friends, many of them are girls, it never crossed in my mind to cheat on my girlfriend. Short story, I had to leave Melbourne and come to my hometown. All my friends cried, they all said we'll miss you, I was sad too, but happy coz I will meet my lovely girlfriend.
Back in my hometown, we continued our relationship. She had to take more studies as to becoming a doctor is tough in my country and undertake internships at various hospitals, including the busiest hospital in my country. I got a job, as a journalist and as always, I always "be there for her"
Things turn bad when I felt I have less quality time with her (this is our demanding part). I started from a low paid journalist till I got hired by an international news agency, to allow me living a good standard (at least for a single boy like me that time). Everytime I asked, "honey, don't you think we spent less quality time nowadays? she always said, it's just your feeling, we always made it. Anyway, thank God we do still have time to meet. I am afraid in the future, I will get busier and busier (this is when my INFJ mind made a looong forward looking projections). Like any other INFJ, I fought with all the means so I could give her the best of me. Including taking into account for an effective meeting place. I rented a quite expensive flat so she can take a rest at my place whenever she felt she needed to. It didn't work. She came exhausted with her car (I didn't have a car that time) and spent a little time. I knew it wasn't because she didn't want to, but with all my intuitive and journalism skills, I could confirm that she was being overloaded.
There was another sour part of the relationship. The parents. Haha. I came to visit her place and her parents didn't feel so excited about me. I could sense it (thank you for my INFJ mind). I could even remember "all the unfinished questions" about me and could JUDGE: they don't want me. But again, who cares? Coz we are INFJ (I didn't know who I was that time). I just felt, I am not a dumb ass, and I knew I worked harder than she was to earn my degree (coz I had to work). After all, I worked for Reuters news agency, not many young journalists were able to (thanks to my English).
I didn't blame the parent thing, the less intense meeting, but it was this quote that blew me out. "Honey, let's say if one day, you became a busy beautiful looking doctor, and I am a journalist (she knew I was busy myself), would you still care for me?" An obvious answer: "Of course". Then I played a naughty question: "If you have to chose, me or your career, which one would you chose."
Just like any other introvert intuitive, she explained me how she didn't want to become a poor doctor, then it means she had to undertake another study for a specialist. With worried face I ask: "Ok dear, for how many more years I should wait for you?" "Likely 5 years?" It was like a lighting storm struck into my INFJ mind. I did all that calculations faster than she blinked her eye for how miserable my life would be.
And here we go (the By the Way Thing): "By the way honey, last time we met, we only ate in a restaurant and your cloth was smell of morgue, I didn't mind. By the way, last time I waited at the emergency room, waiting for you, looking at blood, sick people, some dying people, things that I hated, I didn't mind. I just wanted to marry you. I didn't mind if those are my future life, I just want you in my life."
She started crying, saying her father would be mad if she just became a regular doctor and yes, she fully understood how painful I had lived and tried to ensure the relationship survive. She said "I want both". Then here we go my INFJ mind. "No way darling, there is a time when you have to stick on your decision. I offered a reasonable solution: "marry me and go on with your specialist, I don't mind. I am proud of you."
Then another blow in my mind: "Sorry I can't do that." The question left my face puzzled, like I didn't believe what I heard. and here we go my INFJ mind: "If she offered no solutions, I can't live my another 5-years suffering. In fact, I did miss our romantic time in Melbourne. I missed her all the time."
Then my dear INFJ fellows, I made a scary prophecy, anything, any bad possibilities (her parents won't approve me, I may screw up my career, I may fell into love with other girl) and did the famous INFJ (the SLOW SHUTTING DOOR). Dear my ex, if you read this, you may not now I am an INFJ. I felt all the pain I caused to you and live my guilt to this day, but dear ex, I never live in a regret even though guilt is haunting me.
My wise likely INTP father spoke up. "My son, you are not my son, if you don't let her finish her bachelor degree (she was on her final year). Try again on her graduation. As a father, I don't want my baby girl screwed by any boy and she became a failed person for the rest of her life."
I followed that advise. Pretending to keep the relationship with her, while slowly shutting down my door. It hurts so much, I could felt she cried several times missing my guardian angel, my wise advisor." I did what I projected worst. When I was in a f*ck up mind, a girl caught my distress, calm me down and I felt in love with her. She was not high for her social status (just an admin), but I deeply fell in love with her immediately. Short story, I managed to escort my ex into graduation (even I before that, I was there when she was diagnosed with tuberculosis. I felt sorry for her, I respected her for what she does, but she was not the same girl I loved. Damn INFJ mind!).
At the end of the day I interviewed myself "would I chose a girl I love or a girl I respect? I chose a girl who I love).
This is not the end of the story... My ex knew my relationship and I did what INFJ does the best: start throwing all her mistakes till the very foundation of her was shaken. I could felt it I was killing her from inside. I could felt all her pain, but I stayed numb and I didn't know why I stayed numb. She opened up and started fixing anything I pointed as a possible flaws in the future, including persuading her parents (I did went to her home again and was better welcomed, but you know an INFJ, I could smell fakeness!!). She begged me not to leave her and reminded me of my oath: "I knew you were a heart breaker, I didn't think you would do it to me! while crying). She came to my parent's home, persuading my parents. My mum, dad, with sad look told me: "This girl already know inside and outside you, why you rejected her?" I couldn't explain it was my INFJ mind that drove my decision. Nobody could explained even me, when I felt numb. I felt even worst: she became a total stranger. "Why I would marry a stranger?? I told myself."
Then as I have projected, this ex thingy has a domino effect. My new gf became paranoid as if she stole me from my ex. I repeatedly told her it was not the case. At the end, I showed both "nobody showed anyone it's just I don't want my ex. Pullstop." I broke up with my new GF and lived in an emptiness of my feeling. I did love her, the new gf, but I can't live with a person who doesn't trust me. I simulated all the different scenarios what I could have done differently, but still it doesn't change the fact I care no more for my doctor girlfriend, not because of the scary life I projected, but because I just DON'T WANT her anymore (the full door closing).
Short story, I met another girl, who was far far away from the social status of both my girlfriend. A strange chemistry runs into my tiny brains "I felt I knew her for long". Her look is OK (as I have some standards), but her social status is way beyond what I could introduce to my parents. But who gives a sh*t when you are an INFJ? This is my life! So after just a few months I married her. Just like many other strange stories about INFJ thinking of universe, spritual things etc (I am an agnostic near atheist), I could precisely predict of having two kids (one handsome boy and beautiful girl).
My wife's character is hard to bend (we often fought till near divorce, or words divorce often came out of my mind), but again I have the strength of an INFJ that I know I have to make it right, for my kids. I love them unconditionally. They are my world, my dream even before they were born, I dreamt each of them meeting me (not precisely with regards to the look). Today, I live with no love of a woman if I may have to say, but I am thankful for the gift given to me. I may likely have conquer my wife (after several times I challenged her to find her own love ones, she kept coming back to me --I am not convinced it is me, my status, or my kids), but I have to live with no love.
As an INFJ I hate all the fakeness, when you brought the family, everybody smile, I smiled my wife smiled, but till today, the lessons will continue, at least for me and I don't know where it will end. Plus, the guilt about my ex doctor is haunting me.
PS: Ex doctor had married and had lovely kids. I don't bother to check but my sister told me. Another one also had married and had a pretty daughter.
Ok, so could you give an tldr; version on the whole situation?
I don't mean to judge you, every situation is difficult and we all make mistakes, but you ought to realise how cowardly and deceitful your behaviour towards your ex was. Your entire post is basically an attempt to justify yourself in order to cope with the guilt that you still obviously feel.
My two cents: you will not get over that guilt as long as you don't face up to the fact that what you did was morally base. We are fallible beings, but to find redemption we have to get to a stage where we stop lying to ourselves.
My first post. Thank you my INFJ friend
He's INTJ. Hence the bluntless.
Me? or @Charlotta? Me today? I just feel hollow, haha. But I don't mind.
Pin
"Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart
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Satire:
This thread taught me the following man-lessons.
1) Make sure your finances are in order by 30 to meet the demands of your future wife's baby-rabies.
2) Marry and impregnate her by 30, to maximize profit, impregnate repeatedly from age 30 to menopause.
3) As a man you're not allowed any emotional weakness, even with your future spouse. She finds your displays of weakness disgusting even if she verbally says otherwise.
This thread taught me the following man-lessons.
1) Make sure your finances are in order by 30 to meet the demands of your future wife's baby-rabies.
2) Marry and impregnate her by 30, to maximize profit, impregnate repeatedly from age 30 to menopause.
3) As a man you're not allowed any emotional weakness, even with your future spouse. She finds your displays of weakness disgusting even if she verbally says otherwise.
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I love this guySatire:
This thread taught me the following man-lessons.
1) Make sure your finances are in order by 30 to meet the demands of your future wife's baby-rabies.
2) Marry and impregnate her by 30, to maximize profit, impregnate repeatedly from age 30 to menopause.
3) As a man you're not allowed any emotional weakness, even with your future spouse. She finds your displays of weakness disgusting even if she verbally says otherwise.
You, I rushed a bit through the text but I don't yet get the whole situation (currently I'm on the blunt side myself). But it doesn't have to be now.
Pin
"Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart
- Jun 26, 2017
- 12,750
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I am. I wont lie to myself anymore. Still holding on to my wife even tho I feel empty inside. Can we really live like this forever? I suppose @Charlotte also being haunted by the guilt till today.
I don't mean to judge you, every situation is difficult and we all make mistakes, but you ought to realise how cowardly and deceitful your behaviour towards your ex was. Your entire post is basically an attempt to justify yourself in order to cope with the guilt that you still obviously feel.
My two cents: you will not get over that guilt as long as you don't face up to the fact that what you did was morally base. We are fallible beings, but to find redemption we have to get to a stage where we stop lying to ourselves.
He's INTJ. Hence the bluntless.
I can write a tdlr later for my already 10 years of marriage, which deep inside my heart I want to end. I feel like living a Karma today. Thank you for all the honest opinion. I really appreciate it
Pin
"Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart
- Jun 26, 2017
- 12,750
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@Deleted member 16771
This thread made me want to get a vasectomy, avoid marriage, and bang escorts.
This thread made me want to get a vasectomy, avoid marriage, and bang escorts.
D
Deleted member 16771
This line of thought has ruined me before and might well ruin me again.3) As a man you're not allowed any emotional weakness, even with your future spouse. She finds your displays of weakness disgusting even if she verbally says otherwise.
It's the fear of a lot of men - that none will ever truly love us and therefore we must live alone in a most fundamental sense. I didn't even know that something like 'emotional connection' was available to me until I was probably 27/8.
Haha. Never get married could be the best choice for a man full of charm like you my bro. But in my experience, a need for soulmate is hurting from the inside.
D
Deleted member 16771
Lol
Just this thread?
My advice is not to close yourself off from love, but be as cold as Michael Corleone at the first betrayal. Be bold and trust in your own resilience.
D
Deleted member 16771
@larcipelago Anyway, from what I've re-read from your post, there is a lot going on in your relationship. And honestly, this is just far too many unresolved things to delve into.
I'd just say to go for professional relationship counciling with your wife, you have a life with her, you have your children. You have your own feelings off course, but so does she.
I'd just say to go for professional relationship counciling with your wife, you have a life with her, you have your children. You have your own feelings off course, but so does she.
So are you saying you don't agree with @Pin original comment? Even with an emotional connection, I think most women don't want to see emotional weakness. I was reading a book on emotional intelligence and there was an excerpt form that where a man came up to a presenter and said pretty much the same and it resonated with me. I think women in the main (there ARE always exceptions), even if they say they want a guy that can relate and be open with their feelings, still want to have a "man". It's sort of like "it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there" in respect to emotional intelligence.
Is your ex in therapy for any of these anxiety issues?
Yes, definitely. I think it's natural for women to want masculine men and men want feminine women. Of course there are exeptions to the rule but usually men ''have to be'' strong, they have to provide and and do all that manly shit, women on the other hand need to be a bit emotional, also more submissive etc
That's usually how it works and what we are attracted to in opposite sex.