I am an ENFP male and i think i scared INFJ woman away | INFJ Forum

I am an ENFP male and i think i scared INFJ woman away

E

ENFPJohn

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Oct 8, 2019
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Hi, to make a long story short: I (enfp male) met this amazing INFJ woman line a couple of months ago. She recently had a breakup with her boyfriend and started talking to me more intensly. We immediatly had a connection with each other that i couldnt explain.
We talked multiple hours everyday and seem to share a lot of values together. One thing that botherd me tho is that she is very obsessed with her ex still and probably will be for a long time, she absolutley loves him and he broke up with her and ignored her on all socialmedia plattforms.

Ok here is the thing, i said something that probably offended her. We ENFPs are moody in nature and i had a very bad day, i wanted to tell her about my problems and she reacted kinda negativly to it. So i called her an asshole and said "maybe we shouldnt talk to each other for the next couple of days".

I didnt even mean what i said, i just had a very bad day. Then she answerd with "alright, you call me names so i am done, i dont want to get close to anybody online rn anyway" then she blocked me. All this happend on discord btw. its 3 days ago and she still has me on block.

Do you guys think she wil never unblock me ever? I guess this is one of the famous infj doorslammes that are supposed to last forever. Now i feel super sad and angry at myself that i scared this wonderfull woman away.

I only had such a great connection with a woman 1 time before this and it ended up as a wonderfull relationship. Now i am afraid i ruined this great chance to have something like this again.

Whats you guys opinion on this?
 
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ENFPJohn said:
Hi, to make a long story short: I (enfp male) met this amazing INFJ woman line a couple of months ago. She recently had a breakup with her boyfriend and started talking to me more intensly. We immediatly had a connection with each other that i couldnt explain.
We talked multiple hours everyday and seem to share a lot of values together. One thing that botherd me tho is that she is very obsessed with her ex still and probably will be for a long time, she absolutley loves him and he broke up with her and ignored her on all socialmedia plattforms.

Ok here is the thing, i said something that probably offended her. We ENFPs are moody in nature and i had a very bad day, i wanted to tell her about my problems and she reacted kinda negativly to it. So i called her an asshole and said "maybe we shouldnt talk to each other for the next couple of days".

I didnt even mean what i said, i just had a very bad day. Then she answerd with "alright, you call me names so i am done, i dont want to get close to anybody online rn anyway" then she blocked me. All this happend on discord btw. its 3 days ago and she still has me on block.

Do you guys think she wil never unblock me ever? I guess this is one of the famous infj doorslammes that are supposed to last forever. Now i feel super sad and angry at myself that i scared this wonderfull woman away.

I only had such a great connection with a woman 1 time before this and it ended up as a wonderfull relationship. Now i am afraid i ruined this great chance to have something like this again.

Whats you guys opinion on this?
Click to expand...
Where is she from?

What happened with the ex?
 
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You okay Hos?
 
It's not possible to predict anyone's behavior 100%, not even by personality type. But from another INFJ female, if I were you I would not hold my breath. While it's possible that the two of you may be friendly eventually, you can never be sure how your words may cut deeply into someone, even though to you your comment was off-hand.

I noticed more of this attitude, that people expect to be forgiven because "it only happened once" or that it was not a big deal. But it was a bigger deal to the person who got hurt. They have a right to their feelings whatever they are. They have a right not to forgive in a world where others think they can do whatever they please, even to physically assault someone and beat them bloody over hurt feelings and paranoia.

It's also different for a woman because an abusive relationship starts with insults and verbal abuse. It is a hard call to make at the beginning, and some of us don't want to be on a rollercoaster of being abused then being expected to forgive because "it will never happen again", and it usually does. Then you will be blamed for continuing to forgive and not leaving sooner.

If I was a betting person, my guess is that her silence is over a lot more than being called an asshole.
 
Morticia D said:
It's not possible to predict anyone's behavior 100%, not even by personality type. But from another INFJ female, if I were you I would not hold my breath. While it's possible that the two of you may be friendly eventually, you can never be sure how your words may cut deeply into someone, even though to you your comment was off-hand.

I noticed more of this attitude, that people expect to be forgiven because "it only happened once" or that it was not a big deal. But it was a bigger deal to the person who got hurt. They have a right to their feelings whatever they are. They have a right not to forgive in a world where others think they can do whatever they please, even to physically assault someone and beat them bloody over hurt feelings and paranoia.

It's also different for a woman because an abusive relationship starts with insults and verbal abuse. It is a hard call to make at the beginning, and some of us don't want to be on a rollercoaster of being abused then being expected to forgive because "it will never happen again", and it usually does. Then you will be blamed for continuing to forgive and not leaving sooner.

If I was a betting person, my guess is that her silence is over a lot more than being called an asshole.
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thanks a lot for your answer

well maybe she just wants to teach me a lesson, maybe it was more about me saying "i dont want to talk with you for a couple of days" and now she blocks me for a couple of days, thats my hope at least

i was very supportive of her the last couple of weeks, there was not conflict whatsoever so i have no idea about what else it could be

i am really not an abusive person, i know anybody can say that but i am just not
 
Hi @ENFPJohn

First, when INFJs fall for someone they fall hard. That love spreads through all our wiring. When the relationship ends it can a very long time to pull out all the wires. The amount of time it takes to "get over" someone can even be perceives as "unhealthy". Consequently, we are the type most likely to act unhappy (ie complain) in a relationship and also one of the least likely to leave a relationship. So, that explains a few things that are going on in this thread.

Second, I don't think your INFJ friend felt the same way about you that you felt about her. It is common for INFJs to share deep conversations with others. Those conversations may seem unusual or intimate for some types, but it is normal for us. People often come to INFJs for help and advice, or just to talk. Women are also bothered by a lot of men, so it is good to remember that any young INFJ (and INTP) women probably has a lot of messages, texts, emails, etc, to climb through daily. This isn't always the case but it is pretty common.

The way she acted toward you tells me the feelings weren't there. If she felt something she would be careful not to dwell on her ex with you and she would also want to discuss your feelings and thoughts, even if you were being tedious that day.

I've been rude to people under these circumstances but only when I don't think the other person and I share a deep connection and I also think they're taking me for granted and being either toxic or consistently high maintenance. I don't know what circumstances would drive other INFJs to be rude, but Fe generally makes us act warmly toward others unless we have very good reason (or feel we have good reason) to be rude. When you called her an asshole she was asking for it with her behavior and very quick to use it as an excuse to cut you off. I doubt she didn't know she was being rude.

I'm not sure if she door slammed you.
 
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Asa said:
Hi @ENFPJohn

First, when INFJs fall for someone they fall hard. That love spreads through all our wiring. When the relationship ends it can a very long time to pull out all the wires. The amount of time it takes to "get over" someone can even be perceives as "unhealthy". Consequently, we are the type most likely to act unhappy (ie complain) in a relationship and also one of the least likely to leave a relationship. So, that explains a few things that are going on in this thread.

Second, I don't think your INFJ friend felt the same way about you that you felt about her. It is common for INFJs to share deep conversations with others. Those conversations may seem unusual or intimate for some types, but it is normal for us. People often come to INFJs for help and advice, or just to talk. Women are also bothered by a lot of men, so it is good to remember that any young INFJ (and INTP) women probably has a lot of messages, texts, emails, etc, to climb through daily. This isn't always the case but it is pretty common.

The way she acted toward you tells me the feelings weren't there. If she felt something she would be careful not to dwell on her ex with you and she would also want to discuss your feelings and thoughts, even if you were being tedious that day.

I've been rude to people under these circumstances but only when I don't think the other person and I share a deep connection and I also think they're taking me for granted and being either toxic or consistently high maintenance. I don't know what circumstances would drive other INFJs to be rude, but Fe generally makes us act warmly toward others unless we have very good reason (or feel we have good reason) to be rude. When you called her an asshole she was asking for it with her behavior and very quick to use it as an excuse to cut you off. I doubt she didn't know she was being rude.

I'm not sure if she door slammed you.
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Oh yes, she definitly dont has romantic feelings for me. She still loves her Ex. But i dont really care cause even a friendship with her would be great. There definitly is a connection she sais she felt like she could trust me from the beginning.

But yes you definitly have a point when you say INFJS have deep conversations with lots of people. And for us it seems like we have a connection when for INFJs it might just be a normal convo.
 
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ENFPJohn said:
Whats you guys opinion on this?
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Man... Women are like cats.

Leave them alone, become a great man, and they'll be all over you.

You're overthinking this.

"First you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women."
-Tony Montana
 
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You said you were supportive of her for weeks but she doesn't reciprocate and listen to your problems? You were a comfy stand in for the intimacy she wasn't getting from her ex. As soon as you started to want some support she was out. Even before you said she was being an asshole. Maybe best to let it go and be more careful in the future about calling names when upset. I don't really think that's the whole reason for her being done though.

Also when someone is obsessed with their ex it means you're the rebound. Which if you're up for that, alright.
 
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