[INFJ] Loneliness and alone time

Lady Jolanda said:

Holyshitbananas. This is so spot on!

I was going to write about how solitude is needed to tune into your own voice (the one in your head) cause otherwise it just gets drowned out by all the other voices, but I didn't think people would understand what I'm talking about. But you do.

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I can't stand the voice in my head, it's got a weird personality. I have to drown it out by having something in the background, or I'll go nuts!

I think the social and the solitary are like two realms connected by a window. You can look at the other side through the window and know when you must go there. But if you stay on one side for two long, things get blurred by the dulling of your senses; you begin to have difficulty looking through the window; you feel stuck, disconnected, and a sense of alienation follows.

Lady Jolanda said:

Holyshitbananas. This is so spot on!

I was going to write about how solitude is needed to tune into your own voice (the one in your head) cause otherwise it just gets drowned out by all the other voices, but I didn't think people would understand what I'm talking about. But you do.

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Solitude is bliss as for loneliness that is just another part of life in this world though it is much worse for some than it is for others, I accepted it and moved on though rejection by others hurts worse than loneliness has on its own.

Solitude can bring joy, peace, contentment if you know how to quiet your mind. This can be done by bringing the mind to the present moment, and letting go of discursive thoughts (the voice in our head as others call it). It's hard and requires lots of meditation practice though.

This thread is awesome. Cool to see people writing about this experience in a way that I feel is so relatable to me. Want to contribute but It's not materializing in a satisfactory way when I try to write, so I'm just writing this lol

I need my solitude in good doses each day. Some instances, I do need human connection may it be with a family member, or a close friend—but most times, I don’t mind being alone. I was up late last night (didn’t sleep till like 3 AM), and I was writing in my journal and listening to some music and enjoying the night. Total bliss.

However, I do have varying moments of loneliness. Mainly because I don’t have many people that I can truly connect with on a deeper emotional and mental level that can go beyond mere surfacy or a shallow level. It’s one of those struggles on being an INFJ. I suppose it’s nice to be one of the rarest personality types, but boy it can feel alienating and lonely sometimes.

I just feel so alien... not sure whether being too different is a good thing or not.

Even worse when you are single and deeply wanting a good person in your life, but you are afraid on truly opening up and showing the deep complexities of your heart to someone, and wonder if you can talk to them about anything without being judged or perceived as weird.

Solitude is great as long as I have my balanced interactions with family, friends and acquaintances—but loneliness, it is a common theme to an INFJ; hence why I am here on this forum because I finally found good like-minded people who knows that empty feeling, and I sure am happy I found this place.

flower said:

I can relate to this so well. It's nice to have the independence of being single but at the same longing for having the special person (partner) in own life with a deeper connection.

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Exactly. I’ve been single for nearly two years now, and although I greatly enjoy my independence; there is that strong intense desire of wanting to hold someone’s hand and share stories/ideas. I haven’t kissed a man in so long either, I think I’ve forgotton how it’s like to kiss someone haha! Let alone flirt.

Eventually we will both find our person though.

Not an INFJ, but feel very similar to much of what everyone's said so far.

Lady Jolanda said:

Hmm. I'm no INFJ, so my experience might differ from yours, but I'll throw my 2 cents in anyway.
Loneliness and solitude are of course two very different things, and I don't even buy the implied premise that one is the cause of the other.

Solitude is time you take for yourself. You shut out the world to introspect; reflect upon your own thoughts, feelings and experiences, needs, wants and desires, to connect with your own self. It is absolutely essential.
If I don't get enough time alone, I start getting these very misanthropic thoughts. I hate people. Get away from me with your demands on my time and on my being.

Loneliness is feeling disconnected. We think it's feeling disconnected from the world and people around us, but as you can feel lonely in a group or when surrounded by your closest friends, that proves that that isn't really true. No, loneliness is the result of a disconnect with yourself, and from that with the world.
Solitude can actually be the solution to loneliness.

Of course, balance is key. I'm not saying you should lock yourself up and don't interact with anyone for weeks.That's just as detrimental.

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This really clicks! I do need time away from people mentally and physically after a while of constant interaction or I begin to think the thoughts in bold above. That's how I know I'm not cut out for my job. Funny enough, I like being around people in a space where I can feel a connection but in a situation where I'm not imposing on others and they're not imposing on me.

I want to have a partner to share with, but it's not simply about having someone, it's about having a shared life and shared space in someone's life, and spending time together, not just being in a relationship. So, in that sense, loneliness is not about wanting to be someone, but wanting to feel a deeper sense of companionship and oneness with someone so that even if you're not around them, you feel they are with you in spirit. You feel as if you're part of a team. That's the feeling I would like to have.

infinite dreams said:

Same, which makes sense as it's a very INTP way of viewing solitude. There's a lot of noise in my head even at the quietest of times. When I'm around other people for too long, the noise inside + the noise outside can start to become grating. And the "noise outside" needn't be talking. Just the awareness of other people being around can be a distraction from clear and concise thought (example - I get more work tasks accomplished, and often perform them more effectively, when working from home than at the office).

I don't suffer from 'sensory overload' in crowds; there are times when I even welcome the feel of a crowd (at concerts, especially). But at some point I have to get away and STAY away from others. An hour or two here and there won't cut it, at least not completely. I need full day(s) at a time by myself for maximum positive recharge. There are a lot of weekends where I barely leave the house and don't really interact face-to-face with anyone, and that is perfect. It's not a sensory thing for me, it's a brain function thing. My brain simply does not work properly without the regular opportunity to switch off the social algorithms.

As far as loneliness goes, I've certainly felt it when alone for too long. And I have been (more or less) alone for some very long stretches of time in my life. That said, I'd much rather live as a hermit than be stuck dealing with people I have no hope of a connection with.

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It gets overwhelming to be around people for the same reason the XNTPs mention, that you end short circuiting because of the awareness of people around you, their thoughts, expectations, feelings, etc. So, in some sense, it is a form of sensory overload. You start to feel as you're melding or melting into the people around you and there is your brain malfunctions trying to manage all the voices imploding inside your head. You may even feel as if there is no you apart from them. As a result, you need time away, solitude to refresh yourself, and feel whole. Loneliness on the other hand, for me, is a function of being alone when I desire a connection with someone I don't have.

Lady Jolanda said:

Holyshitbananas. This is so spot on!

I was going to write about how solitude is needed to tune into your own voice (the one in your head) cause otherwise it just gets drowned out by all the other voices, but I didn't think people would understand what I'm talking about. But you do.

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We do!