I'm a straight male INFJ and i feel I'm quite extreme (high percentage) in all of the respective letters, also possibly quite high up in all the so-called functions (Ni, Fe, Ti, maybe not so for Se, but definitely not too low as well, thanks to the need for it to "manifest" during work). Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and share my long past stories here, as they are probably what's mainly troubling myself now (shadow Si perhaps?) I hope I'll be able to keep it concise and informative, and won't invite too much negativity/trouble to anyone here.
I've been in 4 past relationships, where 3 were official and only 2 of them are significant to my current dilemma – being consumed by past painful memories, affecting my current mood and emotions to the point that I worry it’ll be too much of an emotional baggage/turn-off for the person I’m currently in love with. The first one being my very first love, and the 2nd one being my most recent relationship, which was also the longest-lasting and most torturous one.
My first was probably an ENTP (I only knew about and started to go into it in recent years) – she was probably borderline in all the aspects, with P being her highest perhaps. Anyway, I “courted” her for 1 year, where I initiated everything from texts, phone calls and eventually confessing and finally going out on up to 4..”dates?” nearing the end of the 1 year period. I had to move to the city (4 hours drive) after that and only then did she finally said “yes” to being my gf (I’m very bad with dating terminologies it seems), citing the reason of “not wanting to lose me”. It was the best feeling in the world, but it only lasted for 1.5 months, where she tried to break up with my for 6 times or more (can’t really remember the exact figure), from being too exhausted with my overly emotional state and me being too…just too emotional I guess? She never did tell me in exact words/explanations as to why she left, but wrote a considerably long e-mail to me 3 years later attempting to explain why she did so. I felt that the e-mail wasn’t clear enough but didn’t press on, so to this day my interpretation of why she left was because I was too immature with my feelings/emotions and I was too much of an emotional baggage for her to endure, and possibly due to her parents disapproving our relationship as well, citing studies being more important as a reason.
Anyway, moving forward to my most recent r/s, which was with a highly insecure and turbulent ESFJ (she was cheated on by her first love of 3 years living together). It was similar – I “courted” her for 1 year in LDR (this time I was overseas for my uni), where I was hurled with insults / accusations / misunderstanding / passive-aggressive etc while occasionally dropping comments that I wasn’t good enough etc. Either way, I gave it up finally when I bought her a present that she had wanted for ages very much – she questioned me if I was trying to “tie her down with commitment by giving her that present (trying to have her feel as if she needed to commit to me if she accepts the present)”. After i gave up on her, she blamed me for hurting her by giving her false hope and etc. Fast-forward 4 years later, I was back in my home country and met her – she gave off a different vibe and had been single since then, so I decided to try us again after much deliberation. That led to a 2 years of emotional/mental torture, which I ended up doing the so-called “INFJ door slam” on her completely. The worst thing that happened was..i got caught in the “grip” due to long periods of stress from her judging/accusations yet again, and finally committed something so shameful that it’ll be the shame of my life – a scar in my soul for doing it – it was SO not me (i committed it before she finally accepted to be my gf). I obviously couldn’t keep it from her so I confessed, which led to her having me slit my wrist as a form of punishment/apology for having done it (thinking back I didn’t actually owe her the apology as it was just me plunging into darkness. I probably owed myself and my parents an apology more). But bear in mind that she had her own circumstances which I understood/understand even now, as to what led her to do things as such, so I’d say I hope that she can find a way to deal with her problems from here on but only without me in it.
So 1 year after the stressful 2 years (I think that it had made me stronger both emotionally and socially/career-wise), I meet this wonderful INTP girl 7 years younger than me who…really feels like a very very good girl and actually cares for me and sincerely apologises to me when she unintentionally hurts me every now and then, even though I keep telling her that I understand it was unintentional and it…liberates my soul when she tries to comfort me but finds it so hard to do so (she would say things like.."uhh..i'm trying to think of how to comfort u").
So here’s the deal. We were having a very good vibe up till now, a few “hurting” here and there on my side, which led her to feel bad about it and etc (we worked it out each time), and we went out on a date and held hands last week. It was all good but I plunged into shadow mode a few days ago after going back to my hometown where all of these past memories ruled over me – the bed I used to sleep on, the beach where we used to go to, the whole vibe of the place and ultimately the loss of my best friend exactly 1 year ago due to a sickness. Either way, I became too caught up on the moment and popped the question on whether she considered me her bf (it might be due to my past exp that caused me so much insecurities and being so caught up with that “relationship status” thing – remembering my “courting” for 1 year for my first love only to be abandoned for 6 times or more). Anyway she made it very clear that it wasn’t that she was not interested but she wanted to be more natural around me first etc etc, and just needed time.
That’s all good, I wish I wasn’t consumed by these past memories so much. But I was, and I ended up “making a drama” and felt that I ultimately stressed her out a lot during this past week – she felt tired even to me and now I’m feeling as though she’s more distant from me compared to before. However, we conversed last night and she told me I should call her directly if I was troubled etc, but I couldn’t help but feel that the conversation has lost its magic…as compared to a week before where everything was just happy and jokey etc. I’m still trying hard to fight the bad memories and negativity right now, but whenever I feel that she’s far away (doesn’t reply after long hours), or like she doesn’t care (I understand that INTP’s are not good at showing they do), and etc, it really gets to me. It’s like one moment I understand she cares/feel her efforts at the very least, and the moment we’re not connected (via phone or texts) I get these insecurities attacking me, which is so stressful.
I have made sufficient explanations to her and she says she understands, but it’s just my feelings always getting in the way. She has commented twice about our relationship status, asking me why I was in such a hurry, why not we just go with the flow and just let it work out naturally. I did try to communicate to her that maybe it’s because I’m more closed-end and do have my insecurities. Overall I’m just in this unbearable battle with…what exactly even I’m not sure. Perhaps my past? My inferiority complex? My insecurities? I understand that I need to give her space etc and I did take up her offer to call her when I feel down, but I can’t exactly do that because I feel down pretty much most of the time, as long as I can’t meet her and re-establish that feeling of security when I held her hands during the date, where it felt like me and her were genuinely connected, along with all the good exchange of texts/etc over the past 2 months+.
And now (today), i'm feeling that she might have lost interest, just feels that way to me somehow, and that pretty much in turn makes my heart cold. I'm not sure how to explain but I'm in general in a mess right now, and being so closed-end, i don't even know what i should do. I've been replying her texts with a very..normal tone..just doesn't feel like before. I've been listening to music, continuing my novel, playing/singing my songs on my guitar and working out today, all in an attempt to shift my focus and get some..Se perhaps? Overall...i guess i just don't really know what i can do anymore. The reason why i'm expressing it here is also because i can't really do it to her, on top of not wanting to stress her out...i'm somehow expecting that her response would once again be..lots of silence and "i dunno...whatever".
I've been in 4 past relationships, where 3 were official and only 2 of them are significant to my current dilemma – being consumed by past painful memories, affecting my current mood and emotions to the point that I worry it’ll be too much of an emotional baggage/turn-off for the person I’m currently in love with. The first one being my very first love, and the 2nd one being my most recent relationship, which was also the longest-lasting and most torturous one.
My first was probably an ENTP (I only knew about and started to go into it in recent years) – she was probably borderline in all the aspects, with P being her highest perhaps. Anyway, I “courted” her for 1 year, where I initiated everything from texts, phone calls and eventually confessing and finally going out on up to 4..”dates?” nearing the end of the 1 year period. I had to move to the city (4 hours drive) after that and only then did she finally said “yes” to being my gf (I’m very bad with dating terminologies it seems), citing the reason of “not wanting to lose me”. It was the best feeling in the world, but it only lasted for 1.5 months, where she tried to break up with my for 6 times or more (can’t really remember the exact figure), from being too exhausted with my overly emotional state and me being too…just too emotional I guess? She never did tell me in exact words/explanations as to why she left, but wrote a considerably long e-mail to me 3 years later attempting to explain why she did so. I felt that the e-mail wasn’t clear enough but didn’t press on, so to this day my interpretation of why she left was because I was too immature with my feelings/emotions and I was too much of an emotional baggage for her to endure, and possibly due to her parents disapproving our relationship as well, citing studies being more important as a reason.
Anyway, moving forward to my most recent r/s, which was with a highly insecure and turbulent ESFJ (she was cheated on by her first love of 3 years living together). It was similar – I “courted” her for 1 year in LDR (this time I was overseas for my uni), where I was hurled with insults / accusations / misunderstanding / passive-aggressive etc while occasionally dropping comments that I wasn’t good enough etc. Either way, I gave it up finally when I bought her a present that she had wanted for ages very much – she questioned me if I was trying to “tie her down with commitment by giving her that present (trying to have her feel as if she needed to commit to me if she accepts the present)”. After i gave up on her, she blamed me for hurting her by giving her false hope and etc. Fast-forward 4 years later, I was back in my home country and met her – she gave off a different vibe and had been single since then, so I decided to try us again after much deliberation. That led to a 2 years of emotional/mental torture, which I ended up doing the so-called “INFJ door slam” on her completely. The worst thing that happened was..i got caught in the “grip” due to long periods of stress from her judging/accusations yet again, and finally committed something so shameful that it’ll be the shame of my life – a scar in my soul for doing it – it was SO not me (i committed it before she finally accepted to be my gf). I obviously couldn’t keep it from her so I confessed, which led to her having me slit my wrist as a form of punishment/apology for having done it (thinking back I didn’t actually owe her the apology as it was just me plunging into darkness. I probably owed myself and my parents an apology more). But bear in mind that she had her own circumstances which I understood/understand even now, as to what led her to do things as such, so I’d say I hope that she can find a way to deal with her problems from here on but only without me in it.
So 1 year after the stressful 2 years (I think that it had made me stronger both emotionally and socially/career-wise), I meet this wonderful INTP girl 7 years younger than me who…really feels like a very very good girl and actually cares for me and sincerely apologises to me when she unintentionally hurts me every now and then, even though I keep telling her that I understand it was unintentional and it…liberates my soul when she tries to comfort me but finds it so hard to do so (she would say things like.."uhh..i'm trying to think of how to comfort u").
So here’s the deal. We were having a very good vibe up till now, a few “hurting” here and there on my side, which led her to feel bad about it and etc (we worked it out each time), and we went out on a date and held hands last week. It was all good but I plunged into shadow mode a few days ago after going back to my hometown where all of these past memories ruled over me – the bed I used to sleep on, the beach where we used to go to, the whole vibe of the place and ultimately the loss of my best friend exactly 1 year ago due to a sickness. Either way, I became too caught up on the moment and popped the question on whether she considered me her bf (it might be due to my past exp that caused me so much insecurities and being so caught up with that “relationship status” thing – remembering my “courting” for 1 year for my first love only to be abandoned for 6 times or more). Anyway she made it very clear that it wasn’t that she was not interested but she wanted to be more natural around me first etc etc, and just needed time.
That’s all good, I wish I wasn’t consumed by these past memories so much. But I was, and I ended up “making a drama” and felt that I ultimately stressed her out a lot during this past week – she felt tired even to me and now I’m feeling as though she’s more distant from me compared to before. However, we conversed last night and she told me I should call her directly if I was troubled etc, but I couldn’t help but feel that the conversation has lost its magic…as compared to a week before where everything was just happy and jokey etc. I’m still trying hard to fight the bad memories and negativity right now, but whenever I feel that she’s far away (doesn’t reply after long hours), or like she doesn’t care (I understand that INTP’s are not good at showing they do), and etc, it really gets to me. It’s like one moment I understand she cares/feel her efforts at the very least, and the moment we’re not connected (via phone or texts) I get these insecurities attacking me, which is so stressful.
I have made sufficient explanations to her and she says she understands, but it’s just my feelings always getting in the way. She has commented twice about our relationship status, asking me why I was in such a hurry, why not we just go with the flow and just let it work out naturally. I did try to communicate to her that maybe it’s because I’m more closed-end and do have my insecurities. Overall I’m just in this unbearable battle with…what exactly even I’m not sure. Perhaps my past? My inferiority complex? My insecurities? I understand that I need to give her space etc and I did take up her offer to call her when I feel down, but I can’t exactly do that because I feel down pretty much most of the time, as long as I can’t meet her and re-establish that feeling of security when I held her hands during the date, where it felt like me and her were genuinely connected, along with all the good exchange of texts/etc over the past 2 months+.
And now (today), i'm feeling that she might have lost interest, just feels that way to me somehow, and that pretty much in turn makes my heart cold. I'm not sure how to explain but I'm in general in a mess right now, and being so closed-end, i don't even know what i should do. I've been replying her texts with a very..normal tone..just doesn't feel like before. I've been listening to music, continuing my novel, playing/singing my songs on my guitar and working out today, all in an attempt to shift my focus and get some..Se perhaps? Overall...i guess i just don't really know what i can do anymore. The reason why i'm expressing it here is also because i can't really do it to her, on top of not wanting to stress her out...i'm somehow expecting that her response would once again be..lots of silence and "i dunno...whatever".
