The Difficulty of Being a Straight Male INFJ... and having to hide it from society
- Thread starter offtherim
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Because being gay is the height of evolution and if you are a filthy breeder you can go jump off a cliff.
Regarding INFJ males being often seen as gay and/or picky, the way I feel has been well summed up by Morrissey:
"I am attracted to humans. But of course... not many."
"I am attracted to humans. But of course... not many."
hahaha I came back to the forum for a bit as I needed some sense smacked back into me lately and this thread is perfect! So funny yet so serious, idealistic and true haha.
well I'm 27 this year, stuck in the exact same thing as you are and finally learning about the learning that was mentioned earlier. I think thats the key with everything.. learning. we learn no matter what. good, we learn why it was good. bad, we learn why it was bad. and then we can use that information in the future. heh good reminder for myself.
*i just realised this thread is a resurrected one from years ago but its still good!
well I'm 27 this year, stuck in the exact same thing as you are and finally learning about the learning that was mentioned earlier. I think thats the key with everything.. learning. we learn no matter what. good, we learn why it was good. bad, we learn why it was bad. and then we can use that information in the future. heh good reminder for myself.
*i just realised this thread is a resurrected one from years ago but its still good!
There are some. (A lot?)
Dating.
Women want men to pursue them. This is cultural, but even more than that, it is biological. I've been hit on by women more than a few times. A thing I've noticed: they all have kids or come from some variation of a "broken home". I don't, and I understand the importance of similarity in upbringing and values when it comes to forming relationships.
I think women are also very turned off by a man's conviction of not wanting children.
So, it's a bunch of factors. Introverted, sensitive to any and all subtleties of rejection, picky as hell, and really high standards.
A lot of it is the fact that we're highly misunderstood. I don't believe someone who doesn't understand you can fall for you.
^would love to hear a firsthand account by someone on here to prove me wrong on the last bit. I think people who understand little tidbits about you can like you very much to a degree.
Dating.
Women want men to pursue them. This is cultural, but even more than that, it is biological. I've been hit on by women more than a few times. A thing I've noticed: they all have kids or come from some variation of a "broken home". I don't, and I understand the importance of similarity in upbringing and values when it comes to forming relationships.
I think women are also very turned off by a man's conviction of not wanting children.
So, it's a bunch of factors. Introverted, sensitive to any and all subtleties of rejection, picky as hell, and really high standards.
A lot of it is the fact that we're highly misunderstood. I don't believe someone who doesn't understand you can fall for you.
^would love to hear a firsthand account by someone on here to prove me wrong on the last bit. I think people who understand little tidbits about you can like you very much to a degree.
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- Sep 28, 2008
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Welcome back @Grey Wolf ! Hope to see more of you around here
thanks man!! really glad to be back! planning to come round more frequently haha. how have you been?
I was thinking a lot about this last night cos i've been affected by this wayyy more than I'd like too and then it hit me. I'm not sure about you guys, but for me, when I'm alone and happily single, I focus on me. what i want to do, my future goals, what kind of life I want. Suddenly when this new person comes into my life, suddenly the focus switches to her (whoever she is). suddenly all thoughts are skewed in that direction, with my own stuff suddenly taking a back seat. so because of this, suddenly everything she does, all movements, get analysed in every way possible for all "possible meaning" and how it affects me and so on so forth, and I tend to spiral from there. Looking back, I saw this pattern suddenly so clearly and that if I had continuously focused on my goals, working towards what I wanted, while talking and dating that girl, then even if she left, hey it doesnt matter cos I'm still closer to my own personal goals anyway. plus I am no longer at the backseat but rather taking control of my own actions rather than reacting. Not sure if this makes sense to anyone else. hope it makes sense though.
Of course if the relationship becomes more, then the person is definitely free to take up more mental capacity. but by then you'll trust that person more and know where its going, so there will be less ambiguity too. so tldr, i guess just focus and continue on your way to your dreams and if she(/he/whoever) is meant to stay, they will. and if they leave, so be it. continue working on your own goals anyway.
Of course if the relationship becomes more, then the person is definitely free to take up more mental capacity. but by then you'll trust that person more and know where its going, so there will be less ambiguity too. so tldr, i guess just focus and continue on your way to your dreams and if she(/he/whoever) is meant to stay, they will. and if they leave, so be it. continue working on your own goals anyway.
Sometimes I wish I were a guy to know what it feels like, but I'd rather not now. It's probably even harder to be male and INFJ than female, I guess. But I think male INFJs are much needed as confidants, friends and lovers for other people. It depends on them whether they want to connect or are willing to see themselves as the world see them or not.
I just thought about it yesterday, jokingly, that male INFJs could really be Mcdaddies of dudes, if they play the cards right, lol.
I just thought about it yesterday, jokingly, that male INFJs could really be Mcdaddies of dudes, if they play the cards right, lol.
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Well, I'm going to provide you with a quote from Chris Rock. "A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something." All of this love-talk stuff is nice, but you've got to be capable of paying the bills and taking care of yourself.
Chances are, you'll meet someone who is attracted to you. If you're attracted to them, something mutually pleasurable could ensue.
Find a job that can provide you the salary that you want.
Exercise.
Dress for success.
When you're successful, love will find you. You shouldn't be supplicating and soft. Frankly, that's not just undignified, that's unmanly. Nobody respects a man on his knees. Get the Hollywood mess out of your head.
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Because my mind is out of whack can't do a coherent response so will keep it down to minimum.
I have the same problem (straight but not always perceived as such) since I have been told "you need to be such and such and this is the only right way to be..." Used as justification for judgment against me.
@offtherim, I see you are seeing some good responses already, so I'll only add - what if you can think of this as just acting as you truly know yourself to be (when the time comes and you get the paranoid feelings, ignore them) and try applying this in your upcoming relationship? (because there will be one, it's just your attitudes when it arrives that are variable)
Also I agree with the others on there being different kinds of people with different views and a few individuals' are not representative of everyone. I have received the kindest treatment from other NFs (and at least one NT) so I'd definitely consider searching for these types - they will be worth the time you spend on it.
I have the same problem (straight but not always perceived as such) since I have been told "you need to be such and such and this is the only right way to be..." Used as justification for judgment against me.
@offtherim, I see you are seeing some good responses already, so I'll only add - what if you can think of this as just acting as you truly know yourself to be (when the time comes and you get the paranoid feelings, ignore them) and try applying this in your upcoming relationship? (because there will be one, it's just your attitudes when it arrives that are variable)
Also I agree with the others on there being different kinds of people with different views and a few individuals' are not representative of everyone. I have received the kindest treatment from other NFs (and at least one NT) so I'd definitely consider searching for these types - they will be worth the time you spend on it.
As an introvert (as opposed to infj) I’ll say that looking at a potential partner through a social “sniper scope” if you will, is not going to do much to help that person understand or get to know you. Analyze all you want from afar but that won’t make things any less awkward when trying to establish a sense of acquaintance and familiarity.
I think I’ve said as much in another thread, but one thing that can help to bridge that gap is to try complimenting the other person, genuinely of course. You might be surprised how well this can create opportunities for dialogue. It feels food (goddamn mibile keyboard....GOOD, it feels GOOD) to be noticed or to have good qualities noticed by others.
To me “Playing it cool” [cue abe simpson gif] doesn’t mean always knowing some influential thing to say, but treading the middle ground between being avoidant and forcing interaction, both extremes being an express ticket to awkward town, POPULATION: YOU.
I think I’ve said as much in another thread, but one thing that can help to bridge that gap is to try complimenting the other person, genuinely of course. You might be surprised how well this can create opportunities for dialogue. It feels food (goddamn mibile keyboard....GOOD, it feels GOOD) to be noticed or to have good qualities noticed by others.
To me “Playing it cool” [cue abe simpson gif] doesn’t mean always knowing some influential thing to say, but treading the middle ground between being avoidant and forcing interaction, both extremes being an express ticket to awkward town, POPULATION: YOU.
hahahahh my friend was just telling me the same thing and she was also wondering how is it that I'm single hahaha
One thing to consider is that an INFJ male is very very rare. Its hard enough to be an INFJ period but a Male INFJ is pretty difficult. not that being a female INFJ is any better, but I would be so bold as to say an INFJ female would be more accepted socially and in dating for sure the INFJ female has it easier.
INFJ male is basically this:
Female Values with a Male temperament.
The female values is where your getting all this love stuff head over heels planning the future together before the first date. its that intense "love" that you are falling into 100% all in. at some point the Male temperament will set in and take over. This will be either when you have entered the realtionship with her and the love bomb reduces OR when she does something that changes your image of her.
For a young INFJ male I would say this. 1st do not underestimate that NO ONE really understands an INFJ and you are very difficult to read. What I mean by that is while you maybe an intense volcano of love and emotions and feelings for a woman and you think this is just flowing off of you......THE reality is you are HARD TO READ. and you are more than likely not as transparent as you think you are.
2nd Learn female psychology! learn female biological nature vs female logical nature.........Be aware that you could take the "red pill" HOWEVER If you take the red pill KNOW that you will be going down a road that you cannot return from.
Especially for the INFJ male....who is all or nothing.....alot of times when falling in love its about the creation of the false image that YOU are assigning to that woman. You fall in love with ideal of what you think she is and of what you are wanting. the Red Pill will not only educate you on female nature in general but It will more than likely KILL your ability to ever "romantically love" a woman. You will simply know far too much and you will be unable to enter to any ideal love or attachment to an idea. its the tree of good and evil it will change you forever.
now on the one hand its good. You will never again have those overwhelming feelings that you leave you going crazy and unable to speak to a woman. ON the on other hand its bad.
You wont believe in love and may not see a point to talk to a woman period....or you could end up a player using your position of "i care less"
INFJ male is basically this:
Female Values with a Male temperament.
The female values is where your getting all this love stuff head over heels planning the future together before the first date. its that intense "love" that you are falling into 100% all in. at some point the Male temperament will set in and take over. This will be either when you have entered the realtionship with her and the love bomb reduces OR when she does something that changes your image of her.
For a young INFJ male I would say this. 1st do not underestimate that NO ONE really understands an INFJ and you are very difficult to read. What I mean by that is while you maybe an intense volcano of love and emotions and feelings for a woman and you think this is just flowing off of you......THE reality is you are HARD TO READ. and you are more than likely not as transparent as you think you are.
2nd Learn female psychology! learn female biological nature vs female logical nature.........Be aware that you could take the "red pill" HOWEVER If you take the red pill KNOW that you will be going down a road that you cannot return from.
Especially for the INFJ male....who is all or nothing.....alot of times when falling in love its about the creation of the false image that YOU are assigning to that woman. You fall in love with ideal of what you think she is and of what you are wanting. the Red Pill will not only educate you on female nature in general but It will more than likely KILL your ability to ever "romantically love" a woman. You will simply know far too much and you will be unable to enter to any ideal love or attachment to an idea. its the tree of good and evil it will change you forever.
now on the one hand its good. You will never again have those overwhelming feelings that you leave you going crazy and unable to speak to a woman. ON the on other hand its bad.
You wont believe in love and may not see a point to talk to a woman period....or you could end up a player using your position of "i care less"
- Sep 28, 2008
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- INFJ
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- 954 so/sx
