INFJ's and Asking for Help | INFJ Forum

INFJ's and Asking for Help

  1. Like it or not, everyone experiences a time in their lives where they may need to call on others for help. From big events like moving to a new home or the loss of a job, to smaller events such needs a little help sometimes. While needing help from others at times may be a universal experience, different personality types feel very differently about the prospect of asking for help.

    As an INFJ, you are likely to face some specific challenges and opportunities when it comes to asking for help. Let’s discuss some examples below.

    Where Do INFJ's Struggle?

    Advocates (INFJ's) are natural helpers, and many devote themselves to helping professions and community service activities. While noble, this tendency can cause trouble for them when they refuse to ask for help when they truly need it. Our research shows that Advocates struggle with asking for help because they are:
    • More comfortable helping others than receiving help;
    • Reluctant to ask for help, even when they really need it;
    • Upset that they cannot help everyone; Advocates (especially Turbulent ones with 91% in agreement) are the most likely personality type to feel this way.
    Most Advocates feel an obligation to help those who are less successful, not passing up an opportunity to do so if they can. However, they should also allow others to help them. Turbulent Advocates in particular are likely to have difficulties here, both being afraid of appearing weak and feeling helpless more often than many other types.


    But now these days are gone and I’m not so self-assured. Now I find I’ve changed my mind, I’ve opened up the doors.” – The Beatles “Help!”

    Advocates (INFJ's) can benefit a lot from learning to ask others for help and working towards overcoming their fear of becoming a burden to others. By taking advantage of their strengths and the connections that they make when helping others, Advocates can:
    • Feel comfortable knowing that others will be more than willing to help them when they need it;
    • Understand that many people will not view helping them as a burden and may actually wish to return some of the many favors that Advocates have provided;
    • Use their many strengths and talents to continue helping others in need instead of getting overwhelmed with life’s many challenges.
    How do you feel about asking for help from others? Do you believe that improving this skill would be useful, or is it just a waste of time?

    Source: 16Personalities/INFJ



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  1. Artisan
    "How do you feel about asking for help from others?"
    Terrible. I don't ask unless i'm beyond rock bottom. Even then I tend to ask it without indicating just how badly I really need help, which makes it easier for people to deny it. I do this, because I only want people to help me when they do out of their own volition... because they really want to.

    I can be in the worst place imaginable, and still wear a smile on my face as I am dying inside. I can do this and still help others who come to me. I suppose it's not really healthy, to help others but not ask for help when you need it...

    "Do you believe that improving this skill would be useful, or is it just a waste of time?"
    ... Sure it's useful to be better things, even at asking for help. It saves a lot of un-necessary trouble if people actually help.
      RonjaRaeubertochter likes this.
  2. robert
    I do need help coping sometimes, but alas I am very private but the urge, or need I should say to confide in just one person is overbearing. I do have a therapist I see, and as yet a year into therapy I have still not opened up to him. In the past I have been dropped by therapists because they could not handel the depths of my pain, especially when I get so deep in it i dissasociate.
  3. A Person
    People don't always want to help. For those who struggle with denial, this can be a major deterrent when asking others for help.

    When asking for help from certain people one must always know that the possibility of being denied is very real. Though that possibility hinges on who you are asking and in what context.

    If you ask a teacher's assistant for help with your English paper you will most likely be helped. If you were to ask a complete stranger to help with your English paper you would most likely get a funny look.

    To ask for help is to put yourself in the hands of another which can be very hard to do at times. But remember, the worst than can happen is you will be denied help. If that happens just ask someone else, preferably a close friend, family member, or professional.

    There is always help to be given. You just need to look in the right place.
      Jojo75, Sigh and RonjaRaeubertochter like this.
  4. Chow
    I often will not ask for help. I might if it is a friend I know I can count on but most often I won't ask at all. I don't because of the possibility of someone saying no. Them saying no feels like rejection to me and I struggle with rejection. When someone says no it is the same as saying I'm not important and that hurts me. So I avoid it. I know that is not the case and most often people have perfectly good reasons for saying they can't help. I usually start by saying don't worry if you can't or no pressure I understand because I don't want pitty and feel better giving the person an easy out. I just prefer not to need or ask anyone for help.
  5. Angelica Jesslan
    After all the struggles these past 4 years, I found myself not only have major depression, but also avoidant disorder. I don’t know how to overcome it as I can’t afford theraphy and now it gets much worse, maybe in my worst state. I’m starting to think it’s okay not to have friends at all, not to get married, not to get a job as long as I can thrift, and the most recent thought; its okay to die this young.

    However, when APD itself is caused mainly because of fear of critics/rejections, I’m isolating myself from the world because I think sooner or later I’m gonna avoid those people repeatedly anyway, why bother building/keeping a friendship with them? Though I’m also sensitive to critics in harsh/offensive language.

    I have tried everything by myself; get a job, socialize, regular exercise, etc. None of them was effective in my case. I didn’t try pursuating a hobby as I don’t have any hobby/passion at the moment due to my depression. I’m not suicidal, but I have to admit that I’m just waiting for ‘my time’.
    1. RonjaRaeubertochter
      Even without therapy talking about your tumultous thoughts can still help. Is there anybody you trust? Otherwise try this forum for connecting with people in an anonymous and safe way. I found this very helpful at times. Another thing that can pick me up when feeling down is Yoga. Sounds like a cliché, but I'm always grateful when I practice it even if I didn't feel like it initially. Maybe try picking up journaling.
      Free likes this.
    2. RonjaRaeubertochter
      Doesn't have to be long, just put down some words every day, what was good today? I'm sure there will be people you want in your life and who want you in their life – sorry, I don't know you or "your story". But I thought I'd reply as I feel like you could need some heartfelt picking up ... and I've faced a similar "black hole" years ago.
      Frida07 and Free like this.
  6. April
    Well as an extremely turbulent INFJ... I snuggle with asking for help. I thought it was my pride. But no, I have recently discovered it's guilt. I feel guilty for putting myself in a position where I need help. I feel guilty for not having everything in control, in order, and taken care of. It's a form of being scared of conflict and judgement. I am aware that it is my fault that I need the help. I should have done better. I also know that they may see it that way, and proceed to tell me so. Which I could go into panic mode then because it feels like that person disapproves, and that is one of my biggest triggers. To have someone mad at me, disapprove of me, not like me, hurt by me, etc... That can send me into a panic attack. Sometimes if the conflict is enough, a full blown, hyperventilating attack.

    So, my avoidance of (or extreme dislike of) asking for help is indeed a defense mechanism. I don't want it to be that way. I just have to try and develop myself more.

    Yes, I am in therapy. :p
      STTFTO, Free and RonjaRaeubertochter like this.
  7. RonjaRaeubertochter
    I struggle with asking for help, as people usually tend to build up the boundary wall then, "This is oh too much for me. Sorry. Please keep your bullshit to yourself." So I don't really bother asking for help anymore. Still, I'm there for even these "boundary people" ... preaching water, drinking wine.
      Gaze and Free like this.
    1. Free
      It's the same for myself, even when pushing my own limits and capabilities. I think that's a habit for our type, always being there for others with whatever help they need, and always pulling back when we ourselves need help.

      Sometimes this can lead to resentment within others and for others. Sometimes an INFJ will become hurt because another person failed to recognize help was needed. Other times, we can be seen as self - alienating from our peers.
      Frida07, Wyote, April and 2 others like this.
    2. Free
      In high-stress settings, I think it's important to know where the breaking point is, and also to realize that by not asking for help, at work we're not working as a team. At home with family or friends, we're excluding those that would actually want to be there for us Just like we were for them.
      Frida07, Wyote and Misadventure like this.
    3. Free
      Wyote and Misadventure like this.
  8. Wyote
    If you are not able to receive help from those around you, you are denying them the same sense of comfort you get by being able to help those same people
      Lees, Misadventure and Free like this.
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    2. Wyote
      It is difficult to trust people with fragile things
    3. Free
      Yes it is. Especially with glasses. <3
      Misadventure, Chiwhtsx and Wyote like this.
    4. Chow
      Wow never thought of it that way. It just didn't seems to bother others when I don't ask them for help when I need it.
      Wyote likes this.