Withholding affection and cheating

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Gaze

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INFPishy
Does a partner's withholding of affection ever justify cheating?


Seems like the easy answer is no, since leaving the relationship would be the "right" thing rather than cheating. Although it's not fair or right to cheat on a partner, if your partner withholds affection, does that make cheating somehow understandable if not ok? Why or why not?
 
I'm betting that in most cases, the reason affection was withheld in the first place stems from deeper problems in the relationship that are probably rooted in a power struggle and one or both of the people being terrible to the other in the first place. Something like this: person doesn't treat partner with respect > partner withholds affection in response > person cheats because they still don't respect their partner. So it is definitely not okay. Actually, I would say that it is even worse than cheating on someone in an otherwise happy, healthy relationship because it just shows how little they actually care for the person as a person.

I mean, I see so many people on reddit who talk about the affairs they have, and they always preface it with "my partner cut me off months ago" like that somehow makes it okay. I want to know why their partner cut them off, and especially in the case of men talking about their wives, why they feel like their wife owes them regular sex in the first place. Did the person they married just suddenly become someone that they couldn't stand without any input on their part? It just seems unlikely.
 
As someone who personally discovered serious issues in her sex life by reading her partner's advertisements on craigslist, I can tell you the kinder thing to do is break up with your partner, if you are not willing to at least talk to them about your desires. I wholeheartedly second dragon's thoughtful response.
 
No, I don't think it's ok, and I agree with what purplecrayons and Dragon have said.

I find it to be a betrayal of trust, and a betrayal of your partner. If you're straying because affection is being withheld:

1.) Why is it being withheld
2.) If there's a legitimate reason, which I suspect there is, why aren't you respecting it and your partner?
3.) If you're at the point where it's being withheld because the relationship is over, then it's over. End the relationship and don't cheat on your partner
4.) Don't cheat on your partner
5.) ... Don't cheat on your partner
 
"s/he wasnt paying enough attention to me! s/he could have been cheating too for all i know!"

:hand:
 
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No, it isn't ok to cheat, you should either try to fix it or leave. Every situation is different and many cheaters are probably selfish people to begin with, however, in some cases, the cheating is caused by both people, not just the one cheating. I have known some very decent people who were contemplating cheating, and they were in relationships where they were mistreated but had kids and didn't want to break up the family. I don't paint all of them with the same brush, but it is still not a good choice to make. Because I was lonely and lacked intimacy in my marriage my husband told me once that I should just cheat on him and he was ok with that as long as he didn't know about it. I still didn't cheat because I knew that I couldn't live with myself if I did. Relationships are complicated dynamics, and we don't know what happens between two people, so even though I wouldn't fully trust somebody who has cheated, I will hold my judgement of the cheater if I don't know the situation. I view it as something wrong, often done by people who aren't decent to begin with, but that is also is sometimes done by decent but weak humans, who often regret it afterwards.
 
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How does one withhold affection? Affection is exactly what it is.. if its there how would you withhold it?
 
Eventhorizon speaks the truth directly - something I love about INTJs and their different perspective. Withholding affection to me seems more to be no longer being willing to make an obligatory attempt to show what "looks-like" affection for someone you no longer want to (or unable to) show affection to.

"person doesn't treat partner with respect > partner withholds affection in response > person cheats because they still don't respect their partner." ..... in this situation, the partner withholding the affection may want to feel and show affection, but no longer does because of how they have been treated. I've been through this, and as an INFJ, I've recently realized that there were two things I had to do. 1. Stand up to the person who doesn't treat me with respect, so that they can make the choice to either treat me with respect or leave. 2. Be willing to say what it is that I really need ... whether it's respect, affection, freedom of my time, help around the house or whatever it is ... so that the other person is guessing and assuming what I need. Taking action on both has lead to greater respect and an increase in affection. And, therefore, less desire to cheat and seek fulfillment of affection or desires elsewhere.
 
Eventhorizon said:
How does one withhold affection? Affection is exactly what it is.. if its there how would you withhold it?
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Some people use 'withholding affection' as a tool to punish. It's not healthy behaviour, even if there is a good reason for it.
 
La Sagna said:
Some people use 'withholding affection' as a tool to punish. It's not healthy behaviour, even if there is a good reason for it.
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Im sorry but that doesnt help answer this for me. Affection is affection. ..if you have it you dont withhold it otherwise its not affection.
 
Eventhorizon said:
Im sorry but that doesnt help answer this for me. Affection is affection. ..if you have it you dont withhold it otherwise its not affection.
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I know what you mean, true feelings of affection are there or aren't. I think we're talking more about showing affection. You can feel affection and withhold showing it as a tool or on the other hand you can do things that would be considered affection without feeling affectionate. We're talking about people withholding sex mostly I'm sure, but it can be hugs and other things. I guess the difference is between feeling and showing.
 
La Sagna said:
We're talking about people withholding sex mostly I'm sure, but it can be hugs and other things. I guess the difference is between feeling and showing.
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This is another aspect that should be addressed. Witholding sex implies that it is being used as a manipulative tool rather than coming from a place of passion and intimacy, which further implies that the relationship is built on an imbalanced power dynamic/give-and-take.

Why do two adults stop wanting to have sex with each other? Age and a waining sex drive play a part for sure, but we're talking about two individuals who still have it and very much need it. A lot of the time people get into a relationship purely because of sexual attraction and lust, and later down the line when they realize they're not compatible as people, the relationship falls apart. Or perhaps monogamy isn't right for one of the partners but they get into a committed relationship because that's what society expects of them.

But how does this tie into a relationship that once was healthy, and again, why do two adults stop wanting to have sex? Stress? Changes in personality and goals? No longer being attracted to a partner could be caused by many reasons, but to make a relationship work both people need to put effort into it; otherwise it's just not there and the two should just split.
 
Personally, I could never start a new relationship while still being part of one. I am dealing with this right now. I would need to end the first relationship completely in order to feel okay with beginning a new one because I feel that it would be unfair to both the first guy and the second guy, not to mention myself. I give everything I am to a partner in a relationship and can't imagine wanting to dilute that love.

On the other hand, I know many people who have gone that route and I know that my perspective is unusual in the "real" world. Lots of people step out for sex, affection, revenge, etc. and I do understand those feelings but when it comes to acting on them in that way, I am just not capable of that. I wouldn't judge someone for what they decide to do, though, because I am stronger than 95% of the people I know. I can leave someone and know that I will be okay being alone. I might get lonely but it doesn't scare me and that's when I decide to get really social and expand my group. Not everyone can do that.
 
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This is the excuse childish people use when they cheat on their partner. "S/he wasn't giving me enough attention! S/he was probably cheating too for all I know!"
 
Referring to affection as something that can be withheld is gross. It's not a chore or obligation. Relationships aren't all about feelings and passion all or even most of the time, either. Not long term.

You can't really say that lying and betraying your partner is ever ok. At the foundation, it's not a partnership then. It's called a sham. Excuses are weak. I think I hate excuses more than anything. Just all around in any circumstance. Excuses for whatever reason are the worst.
 
acd said:
Referring to affection as something that can be withheld is gross. It's not a chore or obligation. Relationships aren't all about feelings and passion all or even most of the time, either. Not long term.

You can't really say that lying and betraying your partner is ever ok. At the foundation, it's not a partnership then. It's called a sham. Excuses are weak. I think I hate excuses more than anything. Just all around in any circumstance. Excuses for whatever reason are the worst.
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Totally agree. And so insightful about excuses, "weak" is absolutely the right word to describe them. They're a massive sign of irresponsibility.
 
Instead of using cheating as a universal justification to break up, and then trying to sneak other things into the definition, you should make a stand of your own to declare what you're not going to put up with in a relationship.
 
We can use all this name-calling to describe your SO who isn't meeting up to your standards, but the bottom line is that either he doesn't love you enough to be the person you want, or you don't love him enough as he is. Anything else is just logical bullshit we shim between each other to make it easier to break up. And that's fine if you need to do that.
 
Suppose your spouse is ill and does not want to be touched. Leave her and she cannot get by. This can turn into years and is unfair to the one that needs human touch and affection but is not getting it. My question would be: is it fair to expect your spouse to suffer with you? Asking a spouse to do something that is unnatural is not the answer. Neither does it fit the need. Women change over the years, as I am sure some men do. Dreaming about being tested by other beautiful women is not fun, either. It does show a need not being met. There are so many scenarios other than those we first think about.

in sickness and in health
 
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