INFJ's darker side and anger | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

INFJ's darker side and anger

This is very accurate for me. I am not one to bark.. If you make me mad I will go straight to bite mode. If you make me really mad, I will continue to gnaw on your leg until I feel as if I have sliced up your soul enough. It's best to back down and not appear tough when arguing with me. I am very very stubborn and if you don't drop it and agree to disagree or admit I'm right (I will accept either form with no complaints) I will go straight for your soul with no remorse. I will continue cutting deeper and deeper until someone crys "UNCLE" which isn't usually me.

This sounds awful reading it. But in my little crazy INFJ mind it is normal. Don't look for a heartfelt apology because 9 times out of 10 you wont get one. In my mind everything that I stated is the truth and an apology isn't needed. In my mind if I can sense it and see it then it is real and no lie. I am only stating the truth. Not my fault I can read others like a book.

Wow. I am going to hell. That is so awful of me. But yet... so true :D
 
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Wow. I am not alone...Although I kinda like it that way, haha...

The OP got a lot of flack for dramatizing/trivializing/glorifying the potential viciousness of the gentle INFJ, but I sure didn't see it that way. The INFJ is deeply intuitive, and outward-focused. He reads people. The INFJ keenly feels the emotions of others. We know that humans are incredibly complex, and that there is very little black and white in the world. When I read about Susan Smith, I was sickened at the possibility that any mother could ever plot to kill her own children, but I couldn't help wondering what it was that had snapped in her to sever that most basic human instinct...To wonder whether part of her missed her children, or whether she was truly soulless...I compulsively look for the good in the most heinous of people. I even forced myself to read Sarah Palin's book because I KNEW she couldn't possibly be the flat character described in the media...

However, we also tend to be passionate idealists, no? I mean, Jesus was supposedly an INFJ. So every once in a while, someone happens along who betrays on the deepest level. Usually, this is someone we had a bad feeling about for a long time, for whom we made excuses, cut breaks, etc. There comes a tipping point. For me, it's rare. I can only think of four people I've ever known who pushed me past that point.

I wrote a piece about that once. I called it "The Part-Time Sociopath."

Some posters wrote that the INFJ can only hurt those who care for him. I'm afraid that's not accurate. For one thing, the INFJ's overly-developed conscience doesn't allow that. I can't kick a puppy...But even when a person doesn't care about me, or doesn't value my opinion or feelings, this doesn't mean I haven't been paying attention. I can still root out his deepest, darkest insecurities and fears, and I know EXACTLY how to deliver the barb. Some people hate being ignored. Some people have a terror of being laughed at. Some hate being excluded. Doesn't matter where he stores his Achilles' heel...It glows neon for me.

I lived with an emotionally abusive BPD husband for twenty years. Ohhhh...the mindfuck...He was masterful. We got divorced, and he only escalated. Constant harassment, and no hesitation whatsoever in hurting the kids to get to me. He made my life Hell. So one day, his harassment came at just the wrong time, and the filter broke. I let out twenty-two years of scorn in one short paragraph of text. It was absolutely true, and there was no anger or profanity in it. He killed himself five weeks later.

And I don't feel guilty, not exactly. For one thing, alcoholic BPD males are incredibly high-risk by nature, and I learned later that he'd been carrying his suicide kit around for a couple of months before our interaction anyway. It was his choice, not anyone else's, and even if I'd allowed him to use me as his punching bag forever, it was only a matter of time before he would've finished his ever-tightening spiral. What I said to him was starkly true...I held up a cruel mirror.

I feel sad that the boy I married died. He wasn't always so dark and twisted. There was a time when he struggled for insight, when he tried valiantly to NOT be what he was, but that boy had been dead for years before the suicide. The guilt I do feel is due to the fact that I didn't try hard enough to keep THAT man from slipping away...That I wasn't able to love him the way he wanted to be loved. The shell that was left didn't care who he hurt. The fact that my (our) children had become his favorite target once I stopped any face-to-face communication with him is likely what tipped me past the line I'm always afraid to cross.

When I let "MeanGirl" loose, it's never an emotional heat-of-the-moment thing. It's only after I've searched for the good over and over and over and over, and come up empty-handed every time.

The INFJ is the worst enemy to make, I think. All the gentleness, sensitivity, and caring can be turned off permanently and decisively, and once that happens, the INFJ has a truly terrifying arsenal at her disposal.



I guess it makes sense that both Hitler and Jesus are classified as INFJ.
 
While I got a kick out of this I would agree it would be in extreme circumstances. I personally prefer to never say or do anything that would ever hurt someone. But I suppose if I did, it would be bad. I think the darker side of me is that I have an intricate balance of a heaven and hell within me. My dark side, while never externalized it would not be a place someone would want me to drag them. And being that I am often aware of the hidden sides to a person I suppose I would be able to exploit it if I chose to.
 
  • "INFJ's Darker Side and Anger or Why I am Strong and Powerful in My Imagination." by Pathetic Wimp.
 
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I get jealous/protective of the ones I love very easily. :eek:hwell: Jealousy's something I actively need to work more on. I don't mind being protective per se, but the jealousy bit tends to bite me in the ass pretty hard.
 
Jimtaylor makes a really awesome point that these emotions can get bottled up or you can sit and stew in them for a while, playing through what you could have done (I know I do this).

Personally, I found the op very true to myself with an exception that ties into jimtaylor's comment. Many times I've been in an argument and I've felt cruel words pound on clenched teeth. I want to cut the person down because I know I can. I want them to feel just as hurt as I am in the moment. I know exactly what to say and how to say it. The anger that swells up in my chest is a little scary because of how intense it can be. I give my loyalty to those I cherish. Break that or hurt me because of some grave offense (nothing petty, but serious things), and I will take my loyalty away. It's like I build a door and lock the person out. I forget about how they're feeling and instead want to make them feel how I want. Which is scary to realize.

That being said, I am well aware of these things. Because of that, I don't get angry. I simmer, not boil. I also make sure to give my loyalty out to those I trust - this has been only about six people and only one of them has hurt me to the point of cruelty. I have too much empathy - because of this, I spend more time creating scenarios in my head where I was allowed to be mean. I pretend I said those awful things. Then I move on. If the offense was great enough, I just let them go and remain civil with them. Honestly, though, when I feel anger growing, I can block it fairly quickly. My empathetic nature returns and I keep quiet.

Ah, I rambled. Hope that made sense. xP I'm glad I'm not an angry person, though, and am very aware of negative feelings. But I did find the op to be true - the feelings are there, I just don't personally partake in such actions.

i completely agree with this..

i've gone through an anger management class and a support group for a while, about 10yrs ago..

and have gotten older, so i've managed to identify and control most of my feelings..

that was the result of growing up in an angry, abusive family but i'm past all that..

still, the urge is there but the will to act has matured...

though at times, it has been too much to bridle my tongue and i have lashed out..

i've cut people down, sure..

but felt like an @ss afterwards...
 
I think the OP is right, although very poorly written and embarrassingly melodramatic. Unfortunately, as a bunch of people have pointed out here, the backlash of empathy after you've vented all your rage and anger is more painful than getting revenge was pleasurable.

I think one of two things happen to most people as they mature. Either...

(1)you deaden your empathy and sharpen your intuition into a fine point with which to hurt people

OR

(2) you cultivate your empathy, realize that revenge probably won't cure the other person of whatever personality defect caused them to hurt you, and learn to let things go


It's obvious which one is healthy and which one is self-destructive.
 
It's true we can use our knowledge about people, against them. When really pushed and in extreme anger, I'm like everyone, I yell louder, swear more, and think less, and if the problem doesn't end, I'll even get physically sick. When I want to hurt someone, I'm in control of my emotions, and give the short, clear, concise, boiled down reason why someone is as awful as they are, because I've probably been stewing for a while. We're not like S types in our anger or displeasure with someone however, we won't lie about the people around us or pick a feature to mock, we'll just be cuttingly honest and sarcastic.
 
It's true we can use our knowledge about people, against them. When really pushed and in extreme anger, I'm like everyone, I yell louder, swear more, and think less, and if the problem doesn't end, I'll even get physically sick. When I want to hurt someone, I'm in control of my emotions, and give the short, clear, concise, boiled down reason why someone is as awful as they are, because I've probably been stewing for a while. We're not like S types in our anger or displeasure with someone however, we won't lie about the people around us or pick a feature to mock, we'll just be cuttingly honest and sarcastic.

I'm genuinely scared that I might get really angry at someone I'm close to and just tear them apart in that rage....or be torn apart by criticisms.... which seems to be where I fail miserably in arguments. Criticisms hurt sometimes.
 
I noticed two years ago that I was headed toward a somewhat darker growth trajectory than before--call it the steady outcome of increasing disillusionment. I'm harnessing my accumulated resentment and bitterness more effectively these days, in ways I'd only dreamed of before...question is, will I be consumed?
 
  • "INFJ's Darker Side and Anger or Why I am Strong and Powerful in My Imagination." by Pathetic Wimp.

Killjoy.

People like fantasising about their destructive ability.

INFJs just take the paradigm, summarised by a character in one of the Spiderman movies: some destroy their enemy by attacking the body; others destroy their enemy by attacking the heart.
 
Hi all, first post here.

Just discovered this 16 personalities business today and found out I was INFJ. Feeling compelled to post something as if I've finally seen a definitive reflection of myself in the mirror. Incredibly accurate description of my personal traits in most articles I have read.

Just wanted to strongly agree with the OP and add some fine print perhaps echoing some of the other sentiments.

My personal experience is such calculated malice is the very last resort once all patience has been exhausted. Quite often an INFJ might have brought it onto themselves by being so patient in the first place, thus being perceived as easy target. Then we take on the worst mannerisms observed over time to wreak havoc on the said individual to regain that sense of equality. The hurtful things brought up are usually the exact ones we have tried to help the person with in the past. It's uncanny how the OP said INFJs can find the precise words to maximise the pain in the target. One friend told me that one of my scathing emails almost sounded poetic lol.

But I also regret ever hurting undeserving people in my younger and immature days. The same compassion and righteousness compells me to feel haunted the rest of my life unless given a chance to appologise.

Perhaps Basil Fawlty was really a happy chap looking forward to marital bliss with that English rose in Sybil running their 27 room hotel, and a few bars every morning from Brahms' 3rd raquet. But his patience might have been eventually worn out by the constant nagging and less than desired class of clientel. Then everything became about bottoms.

Lame jokes aside, I hope finding out about myself will make me a better specimen of INFJ.
 
I saw this on a blog, thought i'd share it here. It's long but i thought it was worth it. Random thoughts welcome.


Shadow of INFJs: I'm queen bitch of the universe and you WILL listen to me.

Who ever blogged about this is describing a psychopath which is interesting as I had a similar thought, one of siding just one MBTI to all psychopaths but that isn't the case.

I've also been thinking about this a lot lately as I have dealt with more than a few psychopaths and just recently figured out that yes, that is what they are. People who have no empathy, have no sympathy, are very manipulative etc. ...psychopaths doesn't always mean that they go out and kill others. It just means that if they do, they're prone to do it again and become serial killers. However there are many psychopaths walking about and more than likely everyone has met at least one, if not more.

But it is interesting as I had a thought somewhat of the same of could you match up people's MBTI's with psychopathy? Could you match up one mental illness over the other with people's separate MBTI's? And the answer of course is no. You cannot put a group of people who have one similar attribute into a box with each other.

My question for whomever blogged about this is are they sure that they were dealing with an INFJ? As everything they have described is a trait of a psychopath, doesn't necessarily mean they are an INFJ.
 
I saw this on a blog, thought i'd share it here. It's long but i thought it was worth it. Random thoughts welcome.


Shadow of INFJs: I'm queen bitch of the universe and you WILL listen to me.
-----

Yep. That self righteous bitchiness? That's what makes us ugly.

---

In the unlikely event you have betrayed an INFJ, cut deeply through their hearts then watch out - because nothing is more frightening than seeing one get their all. Afterall, Jesus was apparently an model INFJ. That's right. Beware the scorch. You get him angry and he'll go locust on your arse.

Of course, everything below is 'worst case under-developed' INFJ anger cases. It isn't what INFJ's do all the time. It is, extremely rare. Most have the patience of an iceberg waiting for hell to freeze over. Or a turn the other cheek style. But for those of you who want some insight into the darker, shadier side of an INFJ ...venture down below, i dare you.

---

INFJ Anger style: The incorruptible ninja on a vendetta:

It means facing your fears and exposing the grittiness of your own human existence. Sound familiar INFJ? Okay, it sounds like martyr-dom and yes, it is. An INFJ knows ALL about martyrdom.

In extremely threatening cases, an INFJ can go all angry ninja style on anybody's arse. And i mean emotionally. They will cut you up and hang you out to dry. Emotionally. That is the key word here.

First, the light: He we won't stop until he's wasted your emotional landscape, and neither will we. INFj's at their weakest or best can be like double edged swords, yes we can see deep into people's hearts, their motivations their good qualities, mirror their thoughts, actions and their desires to bring you relief or joy. INFJ's listen not only with their ears, but with their heart, they can process and nurture people's good qualities instinctively and mirror your what you want to hear. They are capable of forgiveness even of those with heinous crimes on their records, because yes - they know instinctively that everybody is human, all of us are interconnected and we all make mistakes, an INFJ has an uncanny ability to recognize that everybody is just a mirror of themselves. The best INFJ's carry a karmic awareness at all times.

With that knowledge they back it up like a hard drive. They remember. How they use that information, is up to them. That choice, is what makes them grow or go backwards.

God forbid anybody come across an INFJ, hell or highwater because once you cross them - at best they will drop you like a hot pan and dissappear regardless of how long you've known them. At worst, be prepared for having all your insecurities and fears gutted and exposed. And they make sure you remember. They can dive deep into your heart to inspire you, but like that double edged sword they can cut straight into your heart with their words. They tell you the truth exactly as it is, whilst you are still grappling with the fact they knew how you felt all along, they expose all your ugliest motivations to air and for all to see. INFJ's are adept at understanding the language of the human heart and what it wants and needs on an intangible level. They are expert emotional anthropologists. They understand boundaries and will not tell people how you feel, what is on your mind. This is because they know this information is precious, of course... until the shit hits the fan so to speak and then, they reveal everything about you. The ugly you. Every. Ugly. Detail.

They get under your skin and let loose slowly and methodically (yep, there's that organization in action) anything they know about your weaknesses, everything they use turns it a kind of melodramatic piece of theatre relaying everything from your sexual indiscretions, faults, lack of listening skills and weaving it expertly by making sure every one of your emotional weaknesses are exploited. They hone in on your fears at the present moment and creatively exploit them for full effect, targeting fears, anxieties, guilt and expertly play them like a symphony. They understand the darkness in themselves and they recognize it in you.

Hell hath no fury like an INFJ scorned. Subtle, slow and insidioius is the scorned style of an INFJ. They can get creative with their scorn - they might have the dignity and coldness of a queen while they exploit your weaknesses. They personally tailor each and every remark for full emotional effect. They may tell you calmly and caustically why you cheated them and explain your insecurities in front of a large group of intimate friends whilst you sweat, hiding their motives behind dry wit and humour. They will adjust their level of scorn for whatever is appropriate for your character. If it's a quick, derisive comment or a long confession of your insecurities - they will know which button to press to get to your heart. If it's guilt they want to summon, they know what to say to make you feel it, they'll remember an event or a whisper of an insecurity you have and they will bring it up. They remember the nuances in your dialogue, your emotional landscape - they remember your weaknesses and in an organized (judging) manner, categorically shoot each and every one of them down till they are satisfied you have sated their need for justice.


The scariness (or genius) of an INFJ however lies in the fact that they know how to adjust the temperature of their perceived hurt so that the other person feels the full effect of their remarks. Just as they can easily take the emotional temperature of a room just by walking into it, they know that getting completely angry is ineffective. So they manage their delivery intuitively, depending on your character so that the recipient has no room to retaliate - an INFJ instincitively knows if they expose a certain insecurity in you and say something softly, it is more effective than going completely a-wohl. They skirt over your anger and any issues they know will completely provoke you to not listening at all. They want to expose the truth, come hell or high water and if that means you feel reduced to something like a small child - totally exposed and a little humiliated, so be it. They will broach the topic carefully, and then caustically add something they know you will feel weakened by but will not be able to retaliate to because the topic for you is so personal. It is completely tactical. They want to expose you remember, so they think carefully about the delivery of a remark and it's intention before it comes out.

You know that secret you told them when you first met them with an open heart and open mind? They will remember it, bring it up and flippantly tell you they weren't really listening, and they didn't really care for it if that's what it takes to hurt you.

The purpose? The truth of course. The phrase, 'Shed light on your sorry ass', has never been more apt.

This is the darkness and shadow of an INFJ.

I'd say I've been this angry on a few occasions (I have more anger issues playing multiplayer video games than interacting with people tbh :p). Once with my mother because she didn't seem to understand why I wanted to stay at my school (which I am now no longer attending :/). I was furious at her arrogance. She couldn't care less if I wanted a choice because I was the child and she the adult. Bullshit. Emotionally, she's proven time and time again to be as eloquent as a teenage Ti dom (sorry in advance :p). But regardless, I kept my mouth shut so I didn't explode... strangely, my sister proved to be a voice of reason for me. I'm still very curious what her type might be... she possesses a strangely potent amount of intuition for someone so different from me (very outgoing, loves to smoke and do other guff that I prefer not to understand).

On the second occasion, a friend whom I was rather close to started treating me like shit for not much of a reason. Like... completely reckless nonchalant abuse on an emotional scale (ironic considering she is an ENFP). One day, she did something that I found disgusting. I commented on the post giving the impression of confusion. She called me stupid. I called her an insufferable cunt. That was all it took to stop her abuse :D. I blew up on a very calculated scale but... it stopped the problem. Oddly enough, we started being friendly again the week I was moving.... I wonder why that was still... *shrugs*
 
Be cautious, as some will fall by the wayside just from your feelings toward them.
 
I'm in INFJ/INFJ lockdown with the man who broke my heart.
I know how to dissect him because he's like me.
He was the perfect match for me, but he decided to be the perfect enemy.
 
I'm in INFJ/INFJ lockdown with the man who broke my heart.
I know how to dissect him because he's like me.
He was the perfect match for me, but he decided to be the perfect enemy.

I wonder who will die first from stubbornness.
 
[MENTION=7267]Amalthea[/MENTION]
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I'm in INFJ/INFJ lockdown with the man who broke my heart.
I know how to dissect him because he's like me.
He was the perfect match for me, but he decided to be the perfect enemy.

How did he become the enemy? Did he know he was becoming one?