INFJ and ENFJ dating | INFJ Forum

INFJ and ENFJ dating

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azzedine

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Oct 13, 2009
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I've been dating a young INFJ for a couple of months (seeing him once every week or 2). I'm the one making ALL the moves but when I call to say we should hang out again he's always receptive and plans a date. I tested it out not contacting him for 10 days once and I never heard from him. Then when I contacted him, he was once again receptive and we went out.

I'm not used to this kind of passive behavior and am never sure if he's losing interest or not. I started out thinking of him in a casual way but have grown to really like him. We always seem to have a great time and connect mentally and sexually EXTREMELY well. He gives me minimal feedback in the emotions department--which is making me a little crazy.

I don't want to read into things but it seems like I have to with him. I seek little "clues" (if you can call them that). We were having a long, deep conversation and he commented that that was a rarity. He once expressed that I don't email him anymore (which I thought was funny since he could have emailed me).

After a few fun all-night frolics and sleepovers he has asked me out on a weekend day date. Not sure what to think. Is he trying to phase me out as a lover/romantic interest? Or should I be happy that he wants more than a drunken late night together after hitting the town?

I know every situation/person is different but input would be great! Like how do you know if the INFJ is no longer interested, for starters?
 
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I think your partner could probably show a little more interest and affection. But if he's interested, he may be nervous about showing it. INFJs are a very passionate lot, even though it may not be immediately obvious when interacting with them initially. But when they're comfortable with a partner, they go full force. I think there's the fear that they may overwhelm someone with how much they feel if they reveal too much too quickly.

So, maybe he's feeling you out, seeing how interested you are, testing you so to speak, to see how responsive you are to someone like him. Many INFJs fear that they're not going to be appreciated as much if they open up too soon, so they hold back, to see how far this person will go to demonstrate their interest. He may not want to respond or return the affection too soon if he thinks it's not going to work out in the long term. Now, this is assuming that he's very interested.

On the other hand, it seems he's expecting you to do all the work, which seems a bit imbalanced. But he may be thinking that if you're willing to do the work, then he shouldn't have to. He may be taking advantage because you're the more extroverted of the two and the aggressor in the relationship. I'm not sure if you've done this, but maybe you could send him an email and lightly bring up the fact that you tend to be the one who initiates the interactions, and when he doesn't initiate as much, you're not sure what to think. But my experience is limited, so I'm not sure how helpful this is, but best of luck.
 
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hmm INFJs are very perceptive so he should have figured it out already that you like him. And if he's not making active moves yet then it means he has doubts about his feelings. Or maybe something is bothering him.
 
Restraint: I agree, communication is key. When I see him, I am going to gently mention that I do all the work and get no feedback (not in a complaining way but just to be honest). He could be being cautious because he perceives me as an independent social butterfly type. I'm very extroverted--and because of my job know a lot of people. I guess it could be intimidating. And he's young (younger than me) so maybe he doesn't feel as experienced? I like him a lot but I've definitely dated tons of guys who have made me feel better about myself with their nice compliments and verbal skills.

Tamagochi: I know, one would think he'd be intuitive to the fact that I like him. There is a chance--because I'm quite sexual--that he thinks I don't take it seriously. Then again, he could just be not that into me. Tough to say at this point. I will have to be a good extroverted intuitive and dig it out of him when I see him. I certainly don't want to keep putting my energies into someone if they feel lukewarm about me. I'm not really used to a lukewarm reaction--I'm generally loved or hated, so to speak ;)

And there are other fish in the sea who are better at communicating and making a girl feel pretty, charming and appreciated.
 
He could also see you as an older and more mature woman, and he is unsure how to act with this and REALLY doesn't want to screw it up. Have you tried to sit down and talk about it? Actually, it might be better not to discuss it face to face, I always have a hard time pinpointing my thoughts when I am face to face and I make myself look like a jackass.

Don't give up on him so quickly, but communication is definitely key. Can't tell you for sure though, we all have different contexts.
 
If he's like me, he probably isn't interested. He might be lonely and think he is interested. I know that my past two relationships have ended poorly because I let my desire to have a partner overwhelm any sort of reason or judgment.

But that's just if it was me.
 
I don't know about this INFJ, but I am really shy when it comes to stuff like that, so maybe he's shy.
 
If it were me, it'd be because I'd be afraid of connecting too quickly. It takes me a while to connect, but when I do, I connect strongly. That's hard for some people to understand and what not.

Plus, if you didn't call him, he might be worried that he was smothering you and you were avoiding him. He probably wanted to make sure that if you wanted space, he gave it to you. I do that sometimes -- it might not be that he doesn't like you as opposed to he was confused of your intentions.
 
I hope you guys are right. I think as an ENFJ I do appear independent and I've told him (if he was listening) that though I am a social creature I sometimes need quite a bit of space. Mine is a classic ENFJ problem--appearing incredibly confident and social but deep down being really sensitive and caring what people think about me. I guess INFJ's are similarly sensitive and get hurt easily, only they internalize a lot, right?
 
Yep. And the main problem is, we're both conflict-avoiding. Someone needs to take initiative in the conflict-communication area, which can be hard. Although it may feel like you're doing all the work, it might just be that the INFJ still isn't sure if you're ready to have them cling on you, and so they're keeping their distance until they're totally smitten.

Don't worry too much about being awkward or whatever. Say what you feel, and be confident in that; you'll be fine.
 
gloomy-optimist said:
Yep. And the main problem is, we're both conflict-avoiding. Someone needs to take initiative in the conflict-communication area, which can be hard. Although it may feel like you're doing all the work, it might just be that the INFJ still isn't sure if you're ready to have them cling on you, and so they're keeping their distance until they're totally smitten.

Don't worry too much about being awkward or whatever. Say what you feel, and be confident in that; you'll be fine.
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Agree 100%. Quickest way to find out is to let him know you are interested enough to share some of your feelings with him, that means a lot to me at least.

I am personally so used to going completely overboard that I "oversteer" completely shelling up and unintentionally becoming silent.
 
Are you sure he is an INFJ? It sounds as if he could be an INFP.

INFJs are assertive when it comes to social expectations, and are perceptive enough to understand them. If you guys are having a sexual relationship and he is an INFJ, then he does like you (though it is possible that he's been hurt recently and doesn't have as much to give because he gave it already and has to rebuild his capacity). If an INFJ likes you, he knows what his role is, and would be asking you out (though not as often as you might like, but he'd be doing it).

INFPs on the other hand... can get so lost in their heads that they forget anyone else exists. I'm an INFJ/ENFJ borderline, and I've had this exact problem with all four INFPs I've dated. The chemistry and connectivity are unbelievable, and then they don't call or contact you, ever. Yet, when you call them and say 'hey we should do something' they almost always jump at the chance. If he's an INFP, let me give you an important word of advice... He's thinking about you. A lot. And if you wait too long to contact him, he's going to assume you're not interested and take it personally. I know it makes no sense, but that's how they're wired. My latest (current) INFP did something the other night that I thought was very telling about this phenomenon. After hanging out with me all night, with lots of connection and passion, she checks her phone to see no calls or messages and says, "Hmph. Nobody loves me." If your guy is an INFP, the fact that he's agreeing to hang out with you is a huge sign that he likes you, because INFPs are amazing at being unreachable when they don't want to be.

In other words, if he's an INFJ, he likes you but is likely broken. If he's an INFP, he likes you, and thinks about you a lot. In either case, the fact that he's asked you to a weekday thing means he really likes you. I'm sure he's planning for the usual afterward unless he has some other obligations. Asking you to do that is definitely asking you to be a bigger part of his life.
 
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Von Hase said:
Are you sure he is an INFJ? It sounds as if he could be an INFP.

INFJs are assertive when it comes to social expectations, and are perceptive enough to understand them. If you guys are having a sexual relationship and he is an INFJ, then he does like you (though it is possible that he's been hurt recently and doesn't have as much to give because he gave it already and has to rebuild his capacity). If an INFJ likes you, he knows what his role is, and would be asking you out (though not as often as you might like, but he'd be doing it).
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You are a genius! He actually JUST informed me that on another MB test he came out INFP. So he could be a cross between INFJ and INFP.

I opened up to him a lot about my life and just took a deep breath and let some vulnerabilities hang out and he was very responsive. I felt we really clicked deeply because of it. He was even far more verbal and communicative about his life/personality (though still not much about his feelings for me).

I made sure to mention at the end of our date in a casual, light way that he was also welcome to call me (but that I of course don't mind being assertive either). Hopefully that was a good move and will get him to be a little more proactive without putting too much pressure on him.
 
As an INFJ, I totally suck at picking up my phone and calling someone. It's not that I don' want to talk to them. If they call, I'll talk their ear off and be happy that they called. But rarely do I actually end up being the one to make the call.

I spent years thinking that my ideal pairing as an INFJ male would be an ENFJ female. I finally dated a my ENFJ female a few months ago, and it only lasted a few weeks. As a side note my girlfriend before her was an INFJ. In both cases, I found the common ground to be over whelming and actually harder to work with when it came to communication. We were so in tune with how the other person was thinking that it sometimes was hard to know what to say, because they other person already knew it.

One other piece of advice- if he's being quite, shy, and not talking, it's not because he doesn't have anything to say. That's his "f" thinking hard, not wanting to say the wrong thing. Us INFJ's spend lots of time dwelling on wanting to say the perfect thing, and thinking about every possible alternative of how it can be interpreted prior to actually saying it. If I'm about to have a serious conversation with my girlfriend (especially a recently acquired one, which seemingly is all I deal with lately), I'm going to ponder what to say to endless possibilities prior to actually having the conversation. It will take you time, but learn to coax him into talking.
 
analyst said:
One other piece of advice- if he's being quite, shy, and not talking, it's not because he doesn't have anything to say. That's his "f" thinking hard, not wanting to say the wrong thing. Us INFJ's spend lots of time dwelling on wanting to say the perfect thing, and thinking about every possible alternative of how it can be interpreted prior to actually saying it. If I'm about to have a serious conversation with my girlfriend (especially a recently acquired one, which seemingly is all I deal with lately), I'm going to ponder what to say to endless possibilities prior to actually having the conversation. It will take you time, but learn to coax him into talking.
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Hmmm, quietness in conversations is not so much the problem with my INFJ/INFP. Actually when it's just the two of us, we're both quite talkative and have great, deep, fascinating conversations. It's that he never tells me how he feels about me or US. And then he just won't call after a great date (that usually lasts 2 days).

As mentioned in the thread above, the last time, I gently mentioned that he was also free to call me (though I'm happy being assertive) and he just gave me a big warm smile. It's been 3 days and still no phone call or email. Yet, so far 10/10 times when I reach out and ask him out he makes a date.

As an ENFJ I need some assurances--compliments or kind words or a tiny move on his part. I'm insecure too (though I seem independent and confident) and can't just keep buffalo'ing my way into this with minimal response.

Do you think he'll ever make a move or take action? I'm guessing he likes me but I take all the space and lack of calling as ambivalence and then it makes our connection lose its steam (at least for me--since I need energy to keep it going).
 
azzedine said:
You are a genius!
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I hear that a lot, hehe.

azzedine said:
He actually JUST informed me that on another MB test he came out INFP. So he could be a cross between INFJ and INFP.
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Yeah, it's more likely he's one or the other. The types are actually quite different.

However, let's review.

Every time you ask him out, he goes out with you and gives you a date that lasts several days. You have amazing conversations, great sex, and the only thing you're missing is that you're the one who initiates everything, but he takes it from there?

I'm failing to see the problem. Just call him and ask him out when you want to go out, and you will. You have a made-to-order boyfriend there. Instant lovin'. All you have to do is pick up the phone.

(I know how it is to feel that things should be a certain way, but as an ENFJ, you'll learn that sometimes they're just not, and when you adapt your perspective a little you realize that things are better exactly the way they already are.)
 
Von Hase said:
However, let's review.

Every time you ask him out, he goes out with you and gives you a date that lasts several days. You have amazing conversations, great sex, and the only thing you're missing is that you're the one who initiates everything, but he takes it from there?

I'm failing to see the problem. Just call him and ask him out when you want to go out, and you will. You have a made-to-order boyfriend there. Instant lovin'. All you have to do is pick up the phone.

(I know how it is to feel that things should be a certain way, but as an ENFJ, you'll learn that sometimes they're just not, and when you adapt your perspective a little you realize that things are better exactly the way they already are.)
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I know, this falls in the "Why Be Normal?" category. I am trying my best. I caved and invited him to dinner at my place and as usual he was readily available so I guess his actions reveal his feelings. I will keep what you said in mind. However, if this does become a more serious steady thing, he too will eventually have to meet me halfway on some things--that's what relationships are all about, no?
 
azzedine said:
I've been dating a young INFJ for a couple of months (seeing him once every week or 2). I'm the one making ALL the moves but when I call to say we should hang out again he's always receptive and plans a date. I tested it out not contacting him for 10 days once and I never heard from him. Then when I contacted him, he was once again receptive and we went out.

I'm not used to this kind of passive behavior and am never sure if he's losing interest or not. I started out thinking of him in a casual way but have grown to really like him. We always seem to have a great time and connect mentally and sexually EXTREMELY well. He gives me minimal feedback in the emotions department--which is making me a little crazy.

I don't want to read into things but it seems like I have to with him. I seek little "clues" (if you can call them that). We were having a long, deep conversation and he commented that that was a rarity. He once expressed that I don't email him anymore (which I thought was funny since he could have emailed me).

After a few fun all-night frolics and sleepovers he has asked me out on a weekend day date. Not sure what to think. Is he trying to phase me out as a lover/romantic interest? Or should I be happy that he wants more than a drunken late night together after hitting the town?

I know every situation/person is different but input would be great! Like how do you know if the INFJ is no longer interested, for starters?
Click to expand...

Are you still dating this individual?
 
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