ENFP + INFJ = ? | INFJ Forum


Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by atree, Jul 14, 2010.

More threads by atree
  1. How do you think a relationship between those typical of these types would work out according to theory. (It should be a no-brainer that individuals would allow for certain exceptions). What do you think are the pro's and con's of this pairing? What would be the factor of attraction?

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    #1 atree, Jul 14, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2010
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  2. Dragon

    Dragon green skies
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    Mar 9, 2009
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    I can't give you a good breakdown, but basically it might be difficult for the ENFP and INFJ to get close to each other because they'll have such a different way of doing things. If the ENFP is judgmental (or if the INFJ is judgmental), and they find how the other is acting to their dislike, it could break the relationship. If they're able to work around this and be comfortable with each other, then it should work well. I guess this would apply to any two types, but ENFPs and INFJs have very different ways of going about things when interacting with others.

    A factor for attraction will be that they should be able to manage a good emotional relationship. ENFPs are sensitive to those kinds of things and generally take great care not to do things that they would consider inappropriate.

    Honestly though it depends al ot on the individuals. Given your typical INFJ and ENFP, according to theory, I wouldn't be surprised to see them hating each other because in conflict each does the thing that the other hates the most, which makes it worse. The ENFP will rouse others against the INFJ, and the INFJ will become highly critical and judgmental of the approriateness of the ENFP's actions. If they go down this path, chances are they'll be more keen to break up than to try and fix this mess.
  3. Hmm...

    I would say in short; High risk, high reward. Very high potential of them not understanding each other's actions, but if they get along, the INFJ will learn how to make themselves more understandable (or more liked) to others, while the ENFP will learn how to make themselves more decisive.

    The factor of attraction would be...opposites attract. Without most of peripheral factors that might clash between both types (with, say, INFJ and ESTJ, for instance) The ENFP would be attracted by (amongst other things) the INFJ's quiet, yet powerful presence and their powerful drive to do things, while the INFJ would be attracted by the ENFP's ability to understand everyone..
  4. I have a great time around ENFPs in small doses, a little too much energy at times and they wear out my patience. And some of them have a tendency to be very flaky which is extremely annoying to someone like me who is always on time 5 minutes early.
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  5. Theory that is based on at least some scientific research states that people are attracted by similarities in character. Too much similarity would probably make it boring though.

    However it is unclear how to apply it correctly in MBTI terms. Is Ne closer to Ni rather than Si for example? ENFP seem to be the opposite of INFJ but they both value intuition and feelings.

    My (obviously limited) practice shows that I feel a lot more comfortable around ENFP than ESTP. But when we get into details the viewpoints are just too incompatible for a long term relationship.
  6. ---Disclaimer so no one gets offended and accuses me of claiming that all ENFPs are as follows... this is a generalization.---

    I've known more than a few ENFPs, and I've also dated an ENFP. She's amazing, brilliant, and has an utterly beautiful soul, but she is also quite possibly the most inconsiderate human being I've ever made the unfortunate mistake of investing in emotionally. ENFPs will let you down every time you expect something of them, then justify it as they should be allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want... and for us FJs, that gets old so incredibly fast.

    Here's the pros... they are nothing like us, absolutely fascinating, make great friends in direct proportion to how little you expect of them.

    Here's the issues.

    They start at extroverted and move inward. This can be really annoying for INFJs who have the opposite polarity. ENFPs jump then reason, and expect everyone else to jump with them.

    Their Ne will constantly wear you out because it is effectively a possibility fountain that will keep your Ni in a constant state of trying to reconcile the correct answer. Ni is like having an OCD for solving puzzles and Ne is like a person who keeps throwing puzzles at you. Intensely taxing.

    Their Fi will constantly strive to defy a sense of harmony, and they will insist upon not going along with the group, accommodating others, or accept the 'shoulds' of life. Most entertaining, they will accuse you of being a villain if ever your Fe tries to assert itself.

    But... in those rare moments when it works... it's utterly magical, like positive and negative high voltage wires connecting. Problem is, those sparks usually just melt everything and end up setting things on fire.

    To be as blunt as humanly possible, an ENFP makes the ideal fuck buddy for an INFJ. In short bursts, this pairing is utterly amazing. Any deeper emotional investment is begging for heartache, which your ENFP won't even have the decency to reciprocate. When it inevitably ends, they'll either move on with absolutely offensive speed, or label you a villain if you try to stop them. Worst case scenario, they'll lock you into a situation where they take advantage of your Fe's inability to say no, and use you indefinitely.
    #6 VH, Jul 15, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2010
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  7. The only friend i doorslam time and time again is an ENFP, he always finds his way back in, its good for a while, then he gets too needy, but not willing to reciprocate the need when I need something, and flake out on me which in turn causes me to doorslam him... its a cycle.
  8. It really depends.

    I find I'm actually rather similar to ENFPs, in a lot of ways. Then again, my Ne is often nearly as high as my Ni, so the jumps are fairly easy for me to make. Either way, ENFPs more often than not are extremely brilliant and willing to learn; some of the smartest people I've met are ENFPs, and I can often connect to them better than any other type in academia. They're just very enthusiastic. They can really inspire you if you let them, that's for sure.
    But, you have to make sure they're somewhat mature before you try dating them or anything. As with any ExxP type, they can have a tendency to be very full of energy. Also, ENFPs can become very moody, and they express it (and may sometimes take it out on you). They have a high possibility of creating a rather high-maintenance relationship. However, they are often good people that want to do good, so if you have patience and are willing to work a little, you can often help them to see how to control themselves better and take a second to pre-consider.

    And here's the theory:
    INFJ: Ni Fe Ti Se
    ENFP: Ne Fi Te Si
    We are actually, in many ways, a lot alike. We start with intuition, move to feeling, then thinking, then sensing. We just kind of do it backwards. Because of this, it may seem sometimes that an ENFP is an INFJ "flipped inside out," so to speak. We often have rich imaginations and strong emotions, but those are inside; outside, we take time to think, to be considerate, and to be collected. Well, ENFPs are living those vivid passions and strong emotions in the outer world, but they can often be very thoughtful in their inner worlds.

    But yeah. There are definitely pros and cons. In either case, I can guarantee you won't get bored.
  9. I'm not all too sure it would work. An INFJ and ENFP think totally differently. They do have one thing going for them, they both have a preference for intuition (and I think that matters a lot to some) but other than that, they think in a totally different matter. Now, being an INTJ, I share two functions with a ENFP and this is coming from personal experience so keep that in mind.

    The initial attracts comes from a difference in Ne and Ni. Ne seems utterly odd, always coming up with possibilities and ideas and Ni likes commenting on them, trying to see if the idea would work or not and such. For some reason, that draws the ENFP to the Ni dom. Now, after that, the initial interaction is awesome, you two are constantly bouncing ideas off of each other and just generally being interested in each other. In my case, it feels like the ENFP understands me because they both share both ways in which I judge life (Te/Fi) Now, I don't know a lot of ENFPs but...In certain situations, I actually think that some ENFPs are really...really selfish. Which is shocking because I have tertiary Fi instead of their auxiliary but they can be a bit selfish and whiny. I remember talking to my ENFP friend/interest and she told me that she hated seeing homeless people, I obviously assumed that she hated seeing them because they are poor and homeless. Not exactly the case. She just hated seeing them because it made her feel bad, not the situation in which they had to live in itself.

    Um. So. Yeah. The types are completely different and share a intuitive function so it has a better chance of working than some relationships theoretically but I'm not really sure if it would work.
  10. Well, that little tryst with an ENFP was rather short-lived. We got along rather well and I admit, he was entertaining company for a while, but there was something rather inauthentic about him that eventually turned me off. It was like he was constantly putting on a "show." He didn't take anything that remotely looked like criticism very well (he was very sensitive about the prospect of being wrong about anything, even if it was presented in a joking manner), and if he wasn't the center of attention, he would do his best to shift the conversation that way... exactly like one of the posters here pointed out.

    But what really put me off was how I felt like I was being used like some sort of trophy. Like he was affectionate when we were alone, but as soon as we ran into someone he or I knew, his body language turned downright possessive. Arms around my shoulders, waist, squishing me into him... inappropriate displays of affection like nuzzling my neck when someone was talking to us. It was really embarrassing for me to be treated like that and I'd push him off. He'd also laugh it off if I talked to him about it in private and usually steer the conversation to something more good natured.

    At first, it was endearing it be surrounded by somebody who was so positive and funny and upbeat, but it eventually got tiresome seeing the motivations behind the behaviour and how dishonest and selfish it all came to appear. His motivations seemed to be to put himself in the best possible light and "win" which completely juxtaposed my more harmonious, "everyone play fair," sensibilities.

    In the end, I think I'm going to keep him around as a friend that I can stand in low doses; I really don't see this going anywhere. (Interestingly enough, though, since I've distanced myself away from him, he calls all the freaking time ... ).
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  11. One of my sisters is ENFP, and I tend to unintentionally hurt her feelings, and sometimes she does the same to me.

    I do think that it might be unfavorable in the long run, but that's just based on my own experiences and personality. But I could be wrong due to the fact that I'm only one of many INFJ sub-types. The thing is that Ne and Ni types can sometimes misinterpret each others actions and intents. It's even more different in that our feelings also work differently.

    With my sister, this is compounded by the fact that I'm an INFJ with an underdeveloped Fe, and so it's not always turned on.

    A recent example of this is a fight we had today over something as trivial as coffee. In my community the tap water was digusting until recently. She was making half a pot of coffee with the good bottled water, and I told her that the tap water is now good (due to recently improved processes at the water works), and that she will be satisfied if I make a full pot with 1/2 tap water, since I tried this before (with a full pot of tap water) and it turned out great, as decided by her boyfriend back when they ran out of the bottled stuff. Then I invited her to take a sip of tap water that I prepared for her, and she adamantly refused. So I added a little bit to the coffee maker to fill out the rest of the water in there. After the coffee was finished she dumped out the whole pot, and started getting confrontational with me.

    I stated that I wanted her to try it out, and maybe she would change her mind. And she stated that I acted just like an a*hole who had no respect for her feelings, and that I was *trying* to be an a*hole just because I thought my way was better. I told her that "why would I intentionally try to hurt her feelings? That would not be a very logical course of action to take", and that I wish she would give me a little more credit and just try things first before passing judgement upon them. She reiterated that I act just like an a*hole when I force my way upon them like that.

    I concur with TDHT, that sometimes they don't take criticism very well, even if you try to word it tactfully. What in our opinion is 'improving a process' in order to make things better in the long run, can invalidate the ENFPs intuitions -- leading to insecurities.

    On the flipside, I think this is where ENTPs have to gain. Since NFJ and NTP are both often interested in improving processes, they can criticize each other and synthesize answers to little things together. Often with the ENTP leading the way, and the INFJ narrowing things down and fine tuning ideas. At least this is how it works with my friends. I have never been in a romantic relationship with an ENTP.
    #11 Zero Angel, Jul 27, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2010
  12. yeah I dont know if i would have the energy to date an ENFP... the ones I know are so whacky.

    Its like their every move is either about competition or trying to impress someone. The ENFPs I am close to define thier entire life by competing with people, but never directly, its always something they come back with the next time, i win today but they will win tomorrow when they come home with the bigger badder car, imac, girlfriend, watch, ps3, tv etc.

    They also invade personal space like crazy. I find that ENFJs work better for me, its the same basic understanding of self, but extroverted which is good for me, I need anchors to stir up my imagination.

    But the J in the ENFJ helps because there is much less flakey-ness.

    Plus, for some reason when I am around ENFP friends, they tend to feed my bad habits... thats not a good thing.
    #12 Billy, Jul 27, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2010
  13. Wow, the bolded part describes a couple of ENFPs I know to a T! I'm sure the more mature ones are not too bad about this, but I've seen this trait in action, unfortunately, and been utterly befuddled by it until I figured it out. But the personal space thing doesn't bother me much.
  14. The most insecure people I have ever met were ENFPs, like completely neurotic, I am neurotic, I overanalyze everything, but ENFPs dont analyze and find answers they just go from "oh no to the world is ending" in 2 seconds, it seems like everything about them is some "complex" or "emotional reaction" to something that had effected them in life, so they compensate for all these tiny complexes by being flakey, not putting constraints on their time, always chasing the greener grass, and highly highly competitive, but not for the sake of being the best, but beating someone who made them feel insecure.
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  15. @TDHT
    From the amount of concern he had for his social standing, it sounds like the guy was an under-developed enneatype 3 (third most common enneatype for ENFPs, apparently).

    Fi's all about the harmony too bro-ski, it's just that Fi feels that harmony between people is best achieved when we respect everybody's individuality (kind of a "live and let live" thing), whereas Fe feels that harmony between people is best achieved when we adopt other people's values as our own (ie. "go along to get along").
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  16. That's only partially how Fe works, Fe doesn't always go along, sometimes it takes over and pushes its ideals out onto others as well. Which I suppose is why they call Fe doms counselors usually. ENFJs and INFJs ESFJ and ISFJs can be super pushy with thier beliefs sometimes.
  17. Good spot, DC! Its funny because I've just been recently reading up on Enneagram theory and I thought that maybe I was a three myself, but the more and more I read up on it, the more my ENFP paramour came to mind. He even had the familial background of a typical 3 too.
  18. Good point.
  19. me and female enfps are a bit touch and go. i have a younger sis who is an enfp and i usually walk on eggshells around her, and am super careful about how i approach her, and Never criticize under just about any circumstance. we get along fairly well, its just more of the fact she wants to keep me at a distance for the most part, but i respect and understand it in the sense that i know shes sensitive and i also think she holds me in high regards being the older brother, so this example may be biased.

    at one time i also pursued an enfp who seemed to have little interest in me one day and then curious the next. she has since gotten a bf and now seems to want to talk whenever her bf is around.. hmm (;

    i have made friends with a few male enfps, and that usually seems to work out better. in highschool i was quite socially inept and oblivious really to how school worked socially speaking, but i had an enfp friend who really watched out for me, though i didnt know it at the time, we were pretty much inseperable and still talk today.

    so maybe infj enfp of the same sex get along a little better, at least for me this seems to be the case, though i think the ability to respect an enfps boundaries is really important regardless and vice versa.
  20. Ahh, sisters, they're the greatest.

    Dad is an ENTP and yep, he handles critiques very well and sometimes incorporates my advice.

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