Happy alone yet lonely. The heart of the INFJ.

Zen said:

I am on a five year mission to seek out new worlds and civilisations...to boldly go where no one has gone before...in the heart of the INFJ.

I am truly happy alone and comfortable with my thoughts, dreams, ideas and philosophies. In short in my mind. This can go on for a few days or even a few months.

But after a three month cycle I start feeling lonely. That is when I let people in. I invite family over, I go to a play or a movie. I talk to the person I usually do not talk to per say. I often feel I have so much to offer but no one is listening. I inspire a few along the way and then I'm exhausted . I just want to be alone again.

Why do I feel like an alien just visiting? Is there a better way? If so please share. Thank you.

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This resonates with me. I am coming to the conclusion that I am a loner and that my default mode is as a hermit. This summer I made a tremendous effort to put myself out there and be social. I met a bunch of people. At times I was like a social butterfly. But then in August everything started to shift. I was drained. Too much drama, disappointment, rejection, confusion, and frustration. So I started scaling back. And door slamming (A skill I have mastered). I prefer being left alone most of the time. I feel like a misanthropic empath. Or a friendly loner. Or an abandoned alien like ET. I find people intriguing, but not very dependable. At this point in my life, friends seem like a burden. People are too complicated and self-absorbed and inconsiderate. I know I require some deep connection, but dating and hanging out with most people feels like a chore. I wish I had more to offer in the way of a solution, but sadly I do not. I try to focus on accepting myself and not comparing myself to others. I guess anything that makes you healthy and happy and authentic that doesn't harm anyone else must be fine, right? Having perspective helps. But feeling ambivalent about socializing and relationships is always going to be very challenging. There really is no easy solution. If there were, I probably would have discovered it by now.

Zen said:

I am on a five year mission to seek out new worlds and civilisations...to boldly go where no one has gone before...in the heart of the INFJ.

I am truly happy alone and comfortable with my thoughts, dreams, ideas and philosophies. In short in my mind. This can go on for a few days or even a few months.

But after a three month cycle I start feeling lonely. That is when I let people in. I invite family over, I go to a play or a movie. I talk to the person I usually do not talk to per say. I often feel I have so much to offer but no one is listening. I inspire a few along the way and then I'm exhausted . I just want to be alone again.

Why do I feel like an alien just visiting? Is there a better way? If so please share. Thank you.

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It's my tendency to care and not care at the same time. To learn people's way without following them at all. Knowing and applying what we know, in a way that people can understand, but never as them.

Really, explaining myself is useless to me, and eventually I rejected even to see the psychologists to save me from their additional trouble of needing to explain. Explaining it to myself is good enough, and so long as external activities continue I don't care.

People in this world are so naive, and stupid to the point that they take for granted their words can be listened nicely and quietly by others without being judged, not knowing nor aware that their inner world can lead them to trouble and no good if being exposed, a lot of times, by people that they think, to be the closest. The rejection and midunderstanding can only make things much worst..

So just get a common hobby (it worth effort to go against our natural tendency at times), talk to others about anything good, play more, get drained, but at the same time, stay mentally away from their negativity. If they put too much negativity on you, run, don't walk. Enjoy life, forget or put the issue down a while. Look at others, and learn from them.

You will feel less lonely. And you will be able to both develop and learn. A portion of you with learners, will eventually get something to share with each others, but for real emotional issues. Unless you *really really* can trust him or her, just never bother. Imo the Universe, or my plushies even, are much better listener than anyone alive.

Its very unfortunate that we have to be able to admit first, that we are really loners, but it does not stop us from being a better person.

It's an interesting topic. I have periods of more extroversion and periods of more introversion. When I have had work which requires me to work closely with people, this takes quite a lot of energy, and I would have less energy to socialise.
In any case I usually prefer smaller one-to-one gatherings and have always needed time alone.
In a society where being with people a lot is the norm, even being single is sometimes looked on as strange.I read a great book; 'solitude' by Anthony Storr. He argues that personal relationships are not the only key to happiness. Which is self-affirming in a world where it is sometimes considered a bit odd to be alone. It can also be a case of too much time alone not being a good thing for me, I think I have to balance the two.

I tend to lean on the side of introversion. But when I'm comfortable in my environment, my extroverted qualities come out. I can be a real social butterfly sometimes, but only if I'm interested in the people and topics of discussion.

But I never feel truly myself unless I'm alone. Alone time is very important to me. It's my time to stop wearing all the different hats and masks that I put on for others. But if I am alone for too long then I really miss the people who are most important to me. It is truly a balancing act. Too much people and stimulus really stresses me out because I just don't feel like myself.

But I think the worst kind of loneliness is when I feel alone even though I'm surrounded by a group of friends or in a crowd of people. That's when I feel most alien. It happens all the time.

What do you think? I would love to hear.

Frisk said:

I tend to lean on the side of introversion. But when I'm comfortable in my environment, my extroverted qualities come out. I can be a real social butterfly sometimes, but only if I'm interested in the people and topics of discussion.

But I never feel truly myself unless I'm alone. Alone time is very important to me. It's my time to stop wearing all the different hats and masks that I put on for others. But if I am alone for too long then I really miss the people who are most important to me. It is truly a balancing act. Too much people and stimulus really stresses me out because I just don't feel like myself.

But I think the worst kind of loneliness is when I feel alone even though I'm surrounded by a group of friends or in a crowd of people. That's when I feel most alien. It happens all the time.

What do you think? I would love to hear.

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Yes, it's better to be alone than feel alone among people, I think.

I'm new to the INFJ forum. I'm so glad I found it because I literally thought I was the only one feeling this sort of way. ... You know feeling the NEED to be alone, exhausted when others are around, guilty for spending time to myself, and confused because others see me as "weird" or "anti social" gosh I hate that term because it doesn't even mean what they think it means.

Simply INFJ said:

I'm new to the INFJ forum. I'm so glad I found it because I literally thought I was the only one feeling this sort of way. ... You know feeling the NEED to be alone, exhausted when others are around, guilty for spending time to myself, and confused because others see me as "weird" or "anti social" gosh I hate that term because it doesn't even mean what they think it means.

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Yeah, you've got be social in the first place to identify as anti-social

Exactly! Which I am most definitely Not! I'm the opposite of that.. Always caring about others to the point where I neglect myself.

I just wish others would understand and accept my introvertedness rather than try to make me an extrovert. Ugh!

But anyway.. Back to the topic. In my opinion as an INFJ I just schedule myself to socialize with others and make sure I take breaks in between to recharge. Otherwise, I tend to just shut down completely.
The INFJ struggle

The title of this thread pretty much explains my experience as well. One note on attending social gatherings; I always try to have an exit strategy.

Last summer I had to attend a wedding. I pretty much knew in advance when and how I was going to leave

Stillwater said:

One note on attending social gatherings; I always try to have an exit strategy.

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YES, I do this a lot. Always have a reason not to stay longer than you have to.

Simply INFJ said:

Exactly! Which I am most definitely Not! I'm the opposite of that.. Always caring about others to the point where I neglect myself.

I just wish others would understand and accept my introvertedness rather than try to make me an extrovert. Ugh!

But anyway.. Back to the topic. In my opinion as an INFJ I just schedule myself to socialize with others and make sure I take breaks in between to recharge. Otherwise, I tend to just shut down completely.
The INFJ struggle

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Only dumb pros do that lmao. Those ones there who think they are knowledgeable are among the most uncaring and the most dumb. They really *do* think that people need to be social and be good to be healthy.

The loneliest time I felt was when I was in my church days. The pros were happy oh yeah, but I was the most depressed at that time. I ended up at the hospital partly due to depression, and the other reason was the pressure from the religion. It almost killed me. Only when I realize that my church cannot help me, that I went elsewhere after I was out.

I think of myself as enjoying social interactions, despite being an introvert. I LOVE people!

However, from my experience, I think this lonliness-while-not-alone happens most often because of my giving nature. I always seek to make the other person (people) happy, and I am very easy going about most preferences people collect to identify who they are. As a result in most social settings people assume I am a mirror of themselves and feel completely understood by me (while completely misunderstanding me). I am giving what I wish to get. The recipients are very fulfilled, but I am empty. Drained. I think the experience is amplified by people (most it seems) being willing to take without giving and never being satiated...constantly thirsting for the giver to give more.

I don't know the answer to this problem, or if anyone else experiences this similiarly. However, my solution is to limit my consistent interactions to rare people who are willing to give as much as I do, and spend very little time (if any) with people who are never satiated. I try to keep them at an arms length, even family. Every single time I don't stick with my plan I become depleted.

The problem is that these people are hard to find.

Nan said:

However, from my experience, I think this lonliness-while-not-alone happens most often
because of my giving nature. I always seek to make the other person (people) happy, and I am very easy going about most preferences people collect to identify who they are. As a result in most social settings people assume I am a mirror of themselves and feel completely understood by me (while completely misunderstanding me

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That happens for me. Since finding out about INFJ I am just starting to understand why this has happened all my life. I have some close friends I feel very relaxed with, but quite often in other situations I loose myself in the dynamic. I consider myself a people person too. Recently I fell out of a social group because I realised that this dynamic you describe^ was happening to me, and I wasn't comfortable about it, but didn't know how to change it. I do enjoy people's company but not the feeling of being miss-read, or just being conscious of other's needs. There's got to be room for me there too. It's better with closer friends though, and other sensitive types are less taxing, even if I don't know them so well. As it's my nature to be like this it's interesting noticing it and wondering what to do about, and whether I can change something to make things better?

Connection takes away my loneliness. Authentic connection.
Being alone is the time I can be real - absorbed in my thoughts, reading, dreams, creativity. This is a joy to me.
Then there comes the time when I need human contact. With any personality type, talking about anything. An hour suffices. If it authentic and inspirational however I can be with this person for many hours.

I understand this feeling. I feel that when I let people in, they misunderstand or they can not grasp the point that I am trying to make. I also feel that trying to make others happy while I am trying to interact with them or entertain them is exhausting. I need the break afterwards to concentrate on myself. Does that make sense? Sometimes the loneliest feeling is simply never being able to completely connect with someone.

I do that too. I usually visit my favorite places and people watch if I'm feeling lonely after a period of time alone.

This reminds me of my constant conflict of whether to go to town or not. See I live about an hour out of the big city, and I tend to strongly dislike the city. On one hand, I don't want to go to town because it's draining and boring and I have no internet in town and it's stressful. But on the OTHER hand, if I stay home chances are I'll cry at some point in the day because I'm all alone!

So for me I tend to like to be around people- but not too many people. Right now it's perfect because my mom's vacuuming in the other room and the TV's on- I'm in my room and I don't mind the background noise that assures me there's people around. I like having people around but at the same time people exhaust me. Every once in awhile I still need to lay on the floor of an art gallery and soak up the thick emptiness that is silence. In fact I could probably use it more often. But I also love being around people.

I think INFJs love socializing, learning about people and things, but then those things start to weigh us down and we have to run back to our huts before the clock strikes midnight and we turn into a pumpkin again. Suddenly I'm starting to relate a lot more to Cinderella.

How much I understand everything that has been said in this thread so far...
I spent the first years of my life in a farm, surrounded by animals and a vast and beautiful countryside, near the sea. We had no neighbours, except from this old man who never spoke to us. Then I moved a lot and to a lot of different cities and crowded places. I hated school because I was always surrounded and it's so bad seen at school to be shy, introverted, lost in thoughts, dreaming... When I say I have never been to a party, people watch me weird with both a shocked and compassionate gaze. They feel pity for me, as if I was really missing something essential in life. How much I'd like them to know they are missing what's essential...

I now live in the same city for 4 years and I've not been able yet to make friends. And I know I won't. Each time I try, it's like, I get so energized, I'm ready to hang out a lot, even invite people at home... but then all of a sudden, I'm so done with all of it, I don't want to know anything from any of the people I just met and I isolate for days/weeks/months. I don't answer to any message and I basically spend all my free time composing music or playing video games. Then again, after some time spent alone, I feel miserable and lonely and feel the need to hang out again and reach out to those people. But of course, most of them won't answer. And I totally get it.

Yet, when I meet people, I never say anything about me. I'm only there to listen. I truly am so interested in everything they are telling me about them, even if it goes against my principles and beliefs, and I really, truly, want to help them if I can. But they just don't understand I also need time alone.
Truth is, I have never really tried to explain it to any of them... But.. I don't think I need friends. I need interactions from time to time of course, since I'm a human being, but listening to people and helping is actually enough, I think. I guess that's why I'm a psychologist... =)