I'm new to the forum, and although I'll also post this question in an INTP forum as well, I feel like there are enough members here who know INTPs intimately enough to offer some sound advice. And of course, if you're an INTP yourself, I'd love to hear from you.
I'm an INFJ and have been dating an INTP for a year and a half with two breakups. Both times I ended things because I didn't feel validated, which led to deeper insecurities, making me question whether or not he actually loved me. Our short breakups only remind us of how much we really do love each other, but once we're back in the relationship again I start feeling those same insecurities. He doesn't easily or often give words of admiration or validation and I've asked him to try to work on it, but I'm not sure if it's something he's capable of in the end. I'm scared that if I become too starved for those little pleasantries, I'll end up harboring a lot of resentment towards him and villifying him. I absolutely don't want to go down that road.
For my part, I've made a concerted effort to acknowledge his "I love you" actions as such. For example, he makes sure to spend lots of time with me, he encourages me to go after my goals, he really listens when I have to express something and he gives thoughtful and practical advice when I need it. He's a young INTP - 26, and I am almost 5 years older, so I don't know if he needs time for his emotional intelligence to develop or if this is a forever thing. He's a really special guy and I love him very much and would ultimately like this relationship to work out, which is why I pose this question to you:
Would it be wise for an INFJ to greatly alter their expectations for words of admiration and validation?
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